


The Apartment

by AllenbysEyes



Series: How to Love [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst and Feels, F/F, Female Friendship, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Hamilton References, Just trying to make connections, Librarians, Literary References & Allusions, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Old Friends, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Unemployed, nerds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-15 06:15:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 54,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14785056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllenbysEyes/pseuds/AllenbysEyes
Summary: Human AU. At a low point in her life, twentysomething Peridot Forster reconnects with her old college friend, Lapis Lazuli. The two find comfort in their new relationship and connection in their mutual struggles, leading to regular visits from Peridot to Lapis's city apartment. But Peridot wonders if her feelings have deepened beyond friendship...and whether Lapis feels the same way.





	1. March

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my new fic! I'm revising The Family Jewels as we speak, but wanted to start a fresh story to keep my creative juices going. This one is much smaller scale and a bit more personal, if not necessarily less angsty. Hope you enjoy!

**March**

When she arrived in Capital City, Peridot imagined herself emerging from hibernation. The last remnants of winter faded away, a few stubborn snow piles turned gray from dirt and cigarette smoke and car exhaust and hobo urine and other city refuse, along with lingering slick spots where ice had harassed pedestrians and terrified motorists for four months. The weather remained cooler than Peridot liked, but warm enough that she could get away with a green spring jacket and a hoodie.

She hadn't been in Capital City for nearly a year...since losing her job, since  **It**  happened, and her life, never completely stable or satisfying to begin with, descended into a bottomless black pit. The memories remained raw and fresh and painful. And the sight of the capital's familiar skyscrapers sent a nasty chill down the back of her spine, forcing her to remember everything unplesant.

But she reminded herself that she wasn't working  _there_  any more, and that pleasant things awaited her today. Like a shopping trip in the Strip District, where she could look for new computer parts and books and music to fill her life with meaning, or at least entertainment. And some riverside parks that, despite a preponderance of pigeons and surfeit of squirrels, were somehow way nicer than the rolling open fields of Jones Bluff or the beaches of, well, Beach City. the best restaurants in the city, including a fancy Italian place which once kicked her out for not dressing nicely enough...okay, maybe not  _that_  one.

And that neat coffee shop which served super-expensive but tasty and fattening smoothies. In college she'd practically lived there, enjoying doing homework and reading and hammering out what she told everyone would be her first novel on notepads and scratch paper (and her laptop, when she remembered to bring it). She wasn't the nostalgic type, but those were the fondest memories of the city.

Though, she reminded herself as she drove around through the Strip looking for a decent parking spot, memories can be deceiving. Your brain edits them like a dialysis machines, removing the impurities, the fears and the terrors and the lusts and the confusion that make living in the moment difficult. What remains points up things that are nourishing and good and, even if they're not good, make sense.

Besides which, things change. Nothing, as her young library friend Steven said with philosophy far beyond his fourteen years, is ever still. Least of all a city, which devours everything and everyone within it. So Peridot couldn't even be sure that today would go well, just like she couldn't be sure that she'd ever find a parking space, or if the coffee shop was even still open.

At least there was, if things went according to plan, an evening with Lapis Lazuli. Though she wasn't entirely sure about _her_ , either.

* * *

Lapis's Saturday began like any other - sleeping in intermittent two hour spurts, catching a glimpse of her alarm clock during a break in her REM cycle, realizing that it was _past 11:00 am holy shit_  and falling out of bed in a tangle of clothes and limbs and blankets and terror.

Cursing under her breath, she took a quick shower and tried to make herself presentable. She messed with her hair, cursing herself that her black roots were visible through the blue dye, wondering if she had time to get a haircut, or retouch the dye, or do  _something_  to make it decent. Then she wondered if Peridot would care, since she was always a nerdy mess.

 _Well, fuck Peridot,_  Lapis thought, brushing a frazzled, half-black strand from her eyes.  _*I* care._

So she popped by the local SuperCuts and just had them buzz off the bottom of her do, leaving a blue fringe atop a fuzzy pad of short black hair.

Very cute.  **Very**  gay. Just what the doctor ordered.

Now time to do laundry and clean and straighten out her apartment.

Fuck. She'd been hoping to finish reading the Don DeLillo novel she'd borrowed from her coworker. It had been months since she'd been able to read an entire novel from cover-to-cover, and despite DeLillo's best efforts with opaque prose and elliptical narrative, she was **this close**. But now, it didn't seem likely.

 _At least I have things to do today_ , she assured herself.  _And it might even be worth the effort._

After all, what's wrong with catching up with an old friend?

* * *

She wondered why she was so  _excited_  to see Peridot. Excited enough, at least, to spend hours folding laundry and cleaning sheets and washing dishes and vacuuming carpets and battling centipedes and cockroaches so that her apartment might be presentable to another human being.

The two women hadn't spoken much in years, aside from occasional "Happy birthdays" and perfunctory check-ins on Facebook. She hadn't even remembered giving Peridot her number until she received a random text message the previous April. From what she recalled, it seemed meant for someone else, or perhaps not even to be sent at all. Still, it wasn't a message Lapis could just ignore:

_Hi - miserable. Need help. Seriously. - P_

Lapis, who'd been working at the library when the text came in, pondered it for a long time for responding. She wracked her brains trying to remember who "P" might be. What was wrong, or why they needed help. Or if they might just be dramatic.

Finally, she remembered Peridot Forster, a colleague from her work study days in the Capital College Library. A short, awkward, bespectacled blonde girl with frizzy hair and frazzled nerves, who seemed obsessed with weird things: computers, cult movies, doorstop novels, space aliens, and a shit-ass Canadian soap opera,  _Camp Pining Hearts_ , which she suckered Lapis into checking out (Lapis, to her shame, briefly becoming addicted). They most frequently worked the night shift together, Lapis handing out reserve textbooks to insomniac students doing homework at 1 am, Peridot arguing with others about laptops and interlibrary loans. They made a decent team.

Still, Lapis...didn't consider Peridot a  _close_  friend. Heck, calling her a friend seemed a stretch, sometimes. She was just someone Lapis worked with, and very infrequently hung out with outside of work, usually with other librarians and a few beers separating them. (Peridot, she remember, didn't drink very much, if at all. Whereas Lapis was...a little wild in those days.)

So why would Peridot, five years after graduation, even have Lapis's number? And why would she text her something so desperate?

Lapis had to wait until her lunch break, of course. Then she took a deep breath and dialed Peridot's number.

"Hello?" that nasal voice, still unmistakable despite years without hearing it, albeit distressingly flat and morose.

"Uh, hi," Lapis said, hesitantly. "This is, um, Lapis Lazuli."

"...Lapis?"

"Yeah. I, um, got your text message earlier..."

A pause. "Oh... **that's**  who I sent it to," she murmured. "Sorry, I mean to contact my friend Lars. Typical clod. I apologize for wasting your time..."

"No, no, wait!" Lapis interrupted, fearing for a moment that she might be the only thing standing between Peridot and...something drastic. But what could she possibly say?

"I called you because...it sounded like you needed someone to talk to. And, I mean...it would be nice to catch up some time."

Peridot sighed on the other end. Another pause, long and deadly.

"I could use a friend," she said finally.

"What happened?"

"Oh Christ, where to  _begin_?" Peridot groaned.

"Just...give me the cliff notes version," Lapis interrupted. She knew Peridot had a propensity for monologues, and didn't have the time to hear one right now. "I mean, if it's serious, we can talk about it later."

"...I lost my job."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"No, it's more than that. I  _left_  my job. I couldn't stand it any more. It was...driving me nuts."

"What job was it?" She racked her brain, trying to remember bits and pieces from Facebook. "Umm, was it a call center?"

"Yes. The most soul-crushing job on Earth."

"What happened?"

"It crushed my soul."

Unhelpful. "Maybe...be a little more specific?"

"Lapis, I'd love to chat, but...you don't wanna hear my sad story. I'm enough of a burden to enough people already, and..."

 _Wow, she was really serious_ , Lapis thought to herself. She remembered all the times when she had similar thoughts, and knew this wasn't a call she could just walk away from.

"Listen, Peridot...I'm here," she said. "Whatever's going on, I...don't want anything to happen to you. If you need to talk..."

God, she was bad at this. Usually it was someone else talking  **her**  down from a ledge.

"...What time do you get off work?"

"Oh! Um, 4:30. I'm usually home by 5:00, but...if you need me, you can call earlier."

"5:00 should be fine. It's not like I'm doing anything else..."

"Peridot, please...promise me you'll call."

"Why?"

"Because...like I said...I don't want to see you do anything...drastic. Promise me you'll call. And promise me if you have any other thoughts, you'll call someone else. Or go to a hospital. Or...something."

She hoped she didn't sound desperate. But mostly she hoped Peridot would listen to her.

Another long pause. Lapis heard her own heavy breathing and the sound of her heart beating in her ear.

Then another sigh on the other end.

"It might be nice to catch up," Peridot offered.

And now Lapis sighed. "Great. Talk to you later, then?"

"Yeah. I'm, uh...looking forward to it."

"Same here," Lapis said, summoning whatever cheer she could under the circumstances. "Sorry the circumstances aren't better, but...I'd love to hear what you've been up to."

"Hmm. Well, I'll call around 5:00. I promise. And Lapis?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for calling."

Peridot hung up. And Lapis put her phone down, wondering how she'd make it through the work day.

* * *

Peridot and Lapis spent almost three hours chatting that night, like they were sisters, or the oldest friends in the world. Peridot didn't disclose too many details about her current situation, but she did spew forth about how disappointing post-college life could be.

"Here I was, a textbook nerd with big hair and thick glasses and a thought that I had potential," she groused. "What a clod I was! No potential. No nothing! Either I didn't try hard enough or I'm a complete fucking clod. I should have followed my dad's advice and gone into computer science or engineering instead of liberal arts. There's no fucking place in this awful, rotten world for liberal artists like me."

"You're telling me!" Lapis responded. "I mean, I have a Masters in Library Science and it took me  **years**  to find a full-time job."

"Never pegged you for that kinda person."

"Why not?"

"I mean, didn't you want to be a fashion designer or something like that?"

Lapis smiled, impressed that she remembered. "Something like that," she said. "But it didn't work out. And what can I say, I liked working at the library. I still like it. I mean, the pay isn't great and it can be aggravating sometimes..."

"It had its charms," Peridot interrupted. "The slow pace..."

"Well...some nights."

"I hated the laptop desk."

"Truth. And all the students who would wait until fifteen minutes before we closed..."

"Who in hell would even want to study at 1:30 in the morning on a Friday? That's fucking ridiculous."

"I know, right?"

Lapis felt better, just having the conversation steered towards safer ground. They shared college memories and talked about a few relatively safe topics. Peridot seemed enthused and frustrated about her efforts to write professionally. "I've submitted articles on the history of the supervillain to a million sites, and none of them will publish them! Can you believe it?"

"Well, you could always do a blog."

"A blog? You mean a self-run site nobody reads? How  _empty_."

"Nobody will read it if you never create it."

"Hmm. Lazuli, you have a point."

And Lapis didn't feel entirely comfortable disclosing her own difficulties. Her bouts with depression and self-loathing, her lost jobs and times wasted in grad school, constant whipsawing between residences, her shitty run of girlfriends since college...most of all Jasper, who was still nominally her partner even though they hadn't talked in weeks, and who hovered over everything she did like a dark cloud.

But Peridot didn't ask. She was just happy to talk to someone.

Finally, around 8:00 pm Peridot ran out of steam. Or else her phone battery was about to die.

"Sorry I have to leave you," Peridot said. "Of course, it's not all bad.  _Camp Pining Hearts_  is on Netflix now, and I'm ready to go through Season Three again..."

"Did you hear they're planning to reboot it?" Lapis asked. She heard a non-verbal moan on the other end.

"...Don't remind me."

"Well, you'll have to face it eventually..."

"No, I can steadfastly refuse to acknowledge its existence because there is no way it will match the original."

"I guess you're right," she said. "Well Lazuli, it's been a pleasure, but...anyway, I hope we can talk again soon."

Lapis smiled, relieved. "Yeah, it was nice. Glad to hear from you again, Peridot. And seriously, if you need someone to talk to..."

"I'm fine," Peridot assured her. "I can be a little dramatic sometimes."

"Losing your job is worth being dramatic about. Trust me, I know."

"Well...I've gotta go. Bye."

"Bye."

Lapis put down her phone. She laid back on her bed, staring at the ceiling in wonderment, hoping that she'd at least done a good deed for today. And maybe even renewed a friendship.

After a few minutes, she turned on her laptop. And clicked over to  _Camp Pining Hearts_ , just for a laugh and something to do while she made dinner.

Before she knew it, it was one o'clock and she'd fallen asleep halfway through the two-part kayaking trip to Vancouver.

* * *

It took Peridot twenty minutes before she finally found a spot. She parked at a meter near a bike rack, about two blocks from Lapis's apartment.

She took a deep breath. She rolled up her sleeves impulsively, looking down at the cuts and scars on her arm and wrists, mostly old and healed but still there, mocking her. And blushed, hoping to God Lapis wouldn't have occasion to see them.

Then Peridot reached into her pocket and pulled out a small bottle of medication. She popped a pill into her mouth and forced it down, hoping it would help any lingering anxiety towards her friend.

I mean, why should she be nervous about seeing a friend?  _Especially_  Lapis, who was probably the best friend she had any more, even though Peridot moved away from Capital City last year and the two hadn't actually seen each other face-to-face in, what, six years? Maybe more? But then all of her friends from Jones Bluff and Beach City had moved away or were too busy to spend time with her. And Peridot wasn't the kind of person who felt comfortable going out and meeting new people.

Still, as she walked through the familiar neighborhood, watching a crush of college students heading out for dinner or drinks on the first warm Friday night in awhile, she envied them their youth and hopefulness, even as she resented their coarse language and the occasional vomiting on the sidewalk. Their easy friendship and simple happiness, something she hadn't had even in college, when she was a neurotic wreck whose one solace was that she had a lot of free time to indulge in fantasies and hobbies to make up for her relative lack of friends.

What lucky people they were.

But Peridot was many things that might make her nervous. She was a loser. She was interested in lame, loser things. She had no job. Very few friends. She lived with her parents. She had no money except what her parents were generous enough to give her. Only a part-time volunteer position and her writing, neither of which brought in any money. No hope, really, beyond a grim, instinctive determination to stay alive.

And these scars. And this broken, fractured brain that all the time and compassion could barely start putting back together.

And Lapis...well, maybe she had problems, too. She'd implied as much during their phone conversations and message chats over the past year. But she couldn't imagine them being as bad as hers. And Peridot worried that her baggage would remind Lapis of anything bad in her own life, and send her flying away.

These thoughts bounced around Peridot's head when she reached Lapis's home. A huge, two-story brick building with fancy windows and a large subterranean extension.

After hesitating another moment, she reached down and dialed Lapis's number.

"Hey, Peridot!"

"Hi, Lazuli. I'm here."

"Oh, great! I'll be down in just a minute. Meet me out front."

"Okay."

The conversation ended. And Peridot sighed, the first step completed without much pain.

 _Please let tonight go well,_  she thought.  _Please let me have this. I haven't had a win for a long, long time. And just seeing a friend would be...something._

If tonight wasn't a complete disaster...if her loserness and depression didn't scare Lapis away...then she'd count it as a success.

For now, she stood outside the door and waited.


	2. Stir Fry

Peridot was amazed at how big Lapis's apartment was...and how empty it seemed.

The ceiling loomed almost fifteen feet tall, the living room roughly the same length. Two huge windows looked out over an ally, with a small football stadium and part of a bridge nearby. Lapis had a separate bedroom next door, connected through a restroom, and a full kitchen attached. Peridot rued that it seemed nicer than her parents' house.

"This building used to be an old school, I think," Lapis told Peridot. "That's why there's the swanky stairs and the big, decorated hallways. This would have been a classroom."

"Huh. You don't see that too often," Peridot muttered, taking everything in.

It seemed even bigger because of how little Lapis put inside. She had the bare minimum of kitchen appliances, a few chairs - not even a couch - and a small flat screen TV. A few small, inoffensive art pieces, the kind of gauche, artless art mass produced and sold at Target or somewhere like that. Peridot saw a bookshelf against the wall, with some novels and videos.

"Yeah, it's pretty cool," Lapis said. "And I like the location. Being in the middle of everything, y'know? Of course, it's expensive as fuck..."

"I can imagine." Peridot examined the bookshelf, seeing a smattering of textbooks on library science, a couple of books on art and fashion, slim volumes on feminism and contemporary politics, and plenty of novels beloved by English lit majors and hated by everyone else.

Who the hell read  _Henry James_  in this day and age? Peridot wondered, spying  _Daisy Miller_. And Philip Roth,  **seriously**?

Suddenly, Lapis seemed a  _lot_  nerdier, or more intellectual, than Peridot remembered. Or maybe she didn't know her friend as well as she thought.

 _Then again, what were you **expecting**?_  Peridot asked herself.  _Dean Koontz and back issues of Cosmo?_

"I mean, I don't have a lot of money left over between rent and loan payments," Lapis admitted. "I've thought about taking a second job, but..."

Peridot looked over from the shelf, shooting Lapis a disapproving look.

"Please don't. That's a depressing idea."

"Ha. You're telling me."

The two women stood there for a moment, both happy and nervous and awkward in the presence of someone they hadn't seen for so long. Sizing each other up. Seeing how much they resembled the person they dimly remembered from school.

"Your hair is...interesting," Peridot said, taking in Lapis's short new do.

" _Interesting_?" Lapis arched an eyebrow, then laughed. "I  **guess**  that's a complement."

"Not what I was expecting, I mean," Peridot murmured, blushing. "You wore it longer back in the day...and your Facebook pix, for that matter..."

Lapis shrugged. "Wanted to try something new."

"Well, it looks nice," Peridot said, forcing out a complement. Lapis smiled, then leaned in the doorway.

"Well, your hair looks like it always did," she teased.

"It's my _style_ ," Peridot said, a little defensive.

"That's what I mean," Lapis replied.

"I mean, I don't always wear it up like tonight...I just figured...like you said, it's good to change things up a little bit, y'know?"

Lapis giggled. "Sorry, didn't mean to insult you. It looks...very you."

"That's still not registering as a complement."

"Well...I like your polo shirt. A  _green_  polo shirt, at that. Very bold."

"Hmm. You know green is my color...I mean, it's kinda right there in my name."

"With long sleeves, too."

"Why not? It's still pretty chilly out."

"I guess. I mean, your outfit's...nice. Maybe a little formal."

"A blue-and-white blouse and denim miniskirt aren't formal."

"I'd hate to see what do you for a night on the town."

"Kind of an academic question. There aren't many of those..."

Another silence descended. Peridot felt their conversation dying, and the awkwardness enveloping them, until Lapis asked:

"Now, what do you wanna do for dinner?"

Peridot was too flustered by everything to have thought about food. Though it made sense...it was already 6:30, and she usually scarfed down a sandwich or something much earlier than this.

"I dunno. Do you wanna go out somewhere?" Peridot asked. "I'm sure we could find a decent restaurant."

Lapis shook her head. "We could, but...I was thinking maybe we could stay in tonight. If you don't mind. I'll make you something."

This took Peridot by surprise.

"Well, I mean, I don't have  _much_. And I'm not, like, the best cook on the planet. But I do have some flank steak I saved from last night." Lapis surveyed the leftovers piled in her fridge, looking for things that were still edible. "And some chopped peppers and stuff. I could make stir fry or, I dunno, maybe some fajitas if you don't mind waiting for me to get some tortillas..."

"You  _sure_  you wanna cook for me?" Peridot said, surprised. "You really don't have to..."

"Oh, come on Perry," Lapis teased. "This is the first time I'm seeing you in, what, five years? Might as well make it a special occasion."

Peridot felt the first twinge of... _something_  in her chest. She couldn't identify what, just yet. But it was something that she didn't entirely welcome. That made her feel flush and nervous.

"Wow, thanks," she said, suddenly dizzy. She sat down opposite the kitchen counter, staring down at the table for a long moment for completing her thoughts.

"I just had tacos the other night, so..."

"Stir fry it is," Lapis interrupted triumphantly, snapping up a red plastic container.

And she went to work cooking, with Peridot burying her head in her hands, wondering what she'd done to deserve this.

* * *

_Peridot didn't expect this day to be different from any other. She woke up with the same feeling of dread that she always did in the middle of the week._

_Eight and half hours of work. A forty-five minute commute either way. A half-hour break for lunch._

_All phone calls. All angry customers screaming at her about prescriptions and co-pays and all sorts of nonsense she had no control over._

_She felt the urge to stay in bed long after her alarm went off. More than an urge - a premonition. A dead weight crushing her chest, pushing her down into bed, preventing her from going._

_But she managed to drag herself to the bathroom, get dressed, brush her teeth, smear on a little makeup, wet her hair just enough to keep it out of her eyes. Doing the bare minimum to be ready for the day._

_Lately, it seemed like she couldn't ever do better than the bare minimum._

_Ride the bus. Sitting next to a man in a suit typing incessantly on a laptop. Trying to scarf down snippets of her graphic novel. Unable to become truly engrossed in the story because she was looking, looking and listening for her stop._

_Behind her, two women screamed at each other, using gauche insults and threats. And everyone shrank down in their seats, averting their eyes, pretending not to notice._

_And the weight in her chest grew. The crushing agony of a panic attack. Of stress. Of dread._

_Something that even Squirrel Girl couldn't banish._

_You're stronger than this, Peridot told herself, looking around her. Remember what your therapist told you. Just because you feel stress doesn't mean you're a failure. Just because you don't like your job..._

_Just because you have those thoughts..._

_Just because..._

_She took deep breaths, closed her eyes, rubbed her temples. Tried everything to will herself into a good mindset. To convince herself everything would be okay._

_But no matter she did, there was eight-and-a-half hours of work staring her in the face._

_Her concentration was interrupted by someone yelling a racial epithet at a fellow passenger. The second passenger responded by throwing a coffee cup at the offending racist's head and calling him a honky._

_The door squeaked, opening for another harried, embarrassed commuter to exit the bus._

_The knee of the man beside her brushed against her thigh, followed by a hastily murmured apology._

_Sweat coated her forehead, pooled under her arms. Her heart pounded rapidly._

_"Fifth and Scott Street," announced a mechanical bus._

_The bus lurched into action, causing Peridot to lurch forward and drop her book._

_She bent down to pick it up. But stared._

_And stared._

_And stared._

_As the feeling returned. And this time, it overwhelmed her._

_You aren't weak because you have those thoughts._

_You're weak because **this is the best you can do**._

_You're weak because you wasted your life._

_You're weak because four years of college landed you a job that a monkey could do._

_You're weak because you're twenty-seven years old and can't do better than this._

_You're weak because you disappointed your family and friends and failed._

_You're weak because you're Peridot Forster._

_"Scott Street and Insurance Plaza," the bus burbled, bursting into her thoughts._

_And Peridot stared for another long, endless moment before finally bolting upright and reaching for the chord._

* * *

Peridot felt a little calmer after devouring two servings.

Lapis wasn't the world's best cook, and she seasoned the meat and peppers with a bare minimum of garlic and spices. Still, it was food, and Peridot was hungry enough to eat it. And grateful that Lapis would make it for her.

It helped that Lapis made a good conversationalist. All the awkwardness and teasing about hair and clothes vanished as the meal wore on.

"...Yeah, I'm teaching courses at school this semester. Didn't I tell you?"

"Huh. Maybe you did. What kinda classes?"

"Oh, you know, intro to library science. Glorified freshmen orientation, basically. Tell them what a library is, and what a librarian does, and give them some idea of the filing systems they use. You know."

"Ah. Never pictured you as a teaching type."

"That's the second time you've said something like that to me tonight!"

"Well, I'm sorry. Do you enjoy teaching?"

"Not really. But I kinda have to do it to keep my job."

"Huh. That's unfortunate. I don't think I could ever be a teacher."

"True, you have a low tolerance for fools. And there's few things more foolish than college freshmen..."

Peridot wondered, as they talked, why they hadn't made more of an effort to stay in touch over the years.

The more Peridot talked with Lapis, the more Lapis surprised her.

Because she had an image of Lapis, clear through memory, as the girl who was fun and wild and completely together - and, if Peridot, was honest, more than a little cute. Completely her opposite, in other words.

Seeing her like this, though, made the image fade, or at least sharpened the contours and revealed details. Made Lapis seem less like a Memory than a Human.

"So...I don't wanna press you on your job situation," Lapis said, averting her eyes. "But I am a little curious..."

"Well, I'm still technically unemployed," Peridot harrumphed.

"I'm sorry," Lapis apologized. "I didn't mean to, um..."

"That's okay, it was bound to come up eventually. I do things to keep myself occupied."

"Like...watching the reboot of  _Camp Pining Hearts_?"

Peridot's face turned beet red.

"Why on Earth would I do  **that** , Lazuli?" she asked. Lapis smiled, seeing her friend about to explode.

"Just wondering," Lapis chuckled, standing up and clearing the plates from the table. "But really..."

"I write," Peridot said. "Write about movies and books and graphic novels and...you know, nerd things, I guess. My usual stuff."

"Did you take my advice and start a blog?" Lapis wondered, moving over to the sink.

"No...well, I have a Tumblr, but...I mostly just reshare smutty fanart on there."

Lapis laughed, running a dish under hot water.

"At least you're honest. What do you do with your writing, then?"

"I've been submitting pieces to different sites," Peridot said. "You know, entertainment sites, webzines, anything that takes submissions."

"Any takers?"

"Not yet. Which is frustrating, you know, because you spend days researching and writing an article and...no one cares. Any idiot with a blog can get theri stuff on the internet, but I want...I want people to read it."

Her voice cracked, and sadness returned. Lapis put the dish in the sink and walked over to her, putting a hand on Peridot's shoulder.

"Will you let me read any of your stuff?"

Another stab of _that_  feeling in Peridot's chest.

"I mean, you have to be a pretty decent writer if you write that much. You've had lots of practice..."

"I don't follow your logic," Peridot said. "But yeah...most of the people I've shown my stuff to thinks it's well-written, even if it's not really...you know, their cup of tea."

"Hmm. Well, maybe when you get home you can email me one of your articles."

"I...would appreciate that." Peridot didn't know how to respond to this unsolicited kindness.

"Can you handle some honest feedback?" Lapis asked, sitting down next to her. "I mean, you won't mind if I...don't like it, or anything? I don't know how much our interests overlap..."

"No, that's fine," Peridot said. "I mean, I'm used to criticism from all manner of clods, so..." And she stopped herself. But Lapis laughed again.

"Well,  _this_  manner of clod thinks it's really cool," Lapis said, messing with Peridot's hair.

"Hey!" Peridot pushed her away. "I mean, maybe it's...cool. But that's not why I write it. I mean, it's a way to kill time..."

"You're so down on yourself," Lapis said. "And you shouldn't be. I mean, whatever you've got going on...you're not a complete mess like me."

Peridot blinked and stared at Lapis, not sure if she'd heard right.

"I'm...I'm  **not**  a complete mess?" she choked out, sounding angrier than she intended. "Are you kidding me?"

"I didn't mean it like that," Lapis assured her. "It's just...I mean..."

She looked down and nervously stroked her arms, like she wanted to confide something but couldn't get the words out. Like she was holding in something awful.

And Peridot instantly softened. She leaned over and patted Lapis on the shoulder, twice. And let her hand linger.

And though Lapis stared down at it for a moment, her face eventually changed into a smile. And clasped Peridot's hand.

And they stared into each others' eyes for a long, timeless moment.

It felt good, and right, and real.

For the five or six seconds it lasted.

"Weirdo," Lapis teased, brushing Peridot's hand away.

Peridot gasped, afraid she'd crossed a line. Felt the cold slap of rejection through her body. She opened her mouth to apologize.

But Lapis was still smiling. Her eyes brimming with tears, but filled with warmth and gratitude.

And Peridot's heart fluttered. The feeling came back. But this time, it felt  **good**.

"Now, let's do something more cheerful," Lapis offered, wiping away the tears. "You up for  _Camp Pining Hearts_?"

"Am I ever?" Peridot enthused, regaining her usual spark. Then she caught herself. "Wait..."

"Don't worry, it's the original series," Lapis assured her.

"Oh, thank  _Christ_ ," Peridot muttered. "Let me hit the bathroom before we start though, okay?"

"Sure thing," Lapis said. "I'll need a minute to boot up my laptop anyway..."

But Peridot had already vanished behind the bathroom door. And Lapis wondered how much she could, or should tell her.

_Peridot's been through so much lately, with her job loss and depression and...there's no reason she needs to know that I'm a mess, too. Except you just told her._

Lapis sighed, looking down at her left wrist. Spotting the burn mark across it. Touching it instinctively. Grateful that her watch or a bracelet would cover it, so Peridot couldn't see.

 _I'll let her know if she asks,_  Lapis told herself.  _But she won't ask._

And that made her feel a little better.

She went over to the computer, scrolling up her search history. And spotted her wallpaper, a picture of her and Jasper walking along the riverfront.

_Shit, I haven't changed it._

"Ugh!" Lapis instinctively slammed the laptop shut. Then cursed herself, reminding that now it needed to reboot.

She heard Peridot humming to herself in the bathroom, and groaned in frustration.

 _What is **wrong**  with me?_ she asked herself, watching the monitor boot up.

A voice in her head answered back:  _Where to **begin**? _

* * *

_Two weeks ago, that same apartment. A variation of a scene well-rehearsed, a drama played out a million times before._

_"Lapis, I told you that I was just meeting Jennie for lunch."_

_"Really? Is that why Jennie sent you that picture of herself with no shirt on?"_

_"That was just a joke."_

_"Yeah, just like us. A fucking joke. Everything about this relationship is a joke. Like how I keep letting you do this shit."_

_"Lapis, you gotta believe me..."_

_"When have you ever given me reason to believe you!?! This is so like you, Jasper."_

_"And this is so like **you**! Getting worked up over fucking NOTHING! Acting like you own me! Like I can't have any friends. Like my entire life has to revolve around you."_

_"You can have all the friends you want...So long as you don't fuck them behind my back."_

_(Jasper slaps Lapis across the face, hard. Lapis responds by kicking Jasper in the shins.)_

_"You fucking brat! I'm gonna make you pay for that."_

_(Lapis moves behind the kitchen counter. She lays her hand down on the counter...having forgotten that she'd just turned on the stove to make dinner.)_

_(Lapis screams in agony, feeling her flesh burn against the stove. Jasper's expression turns from anger to terror.)_

_(Fade to black.)_

* * *

 

"You comfy there, Perry?" Lapis asked, pulling a blanket over her legs. 

"I guess so," Peridot said, shifting nervously. "I mean, it's nice that we have coffee here..."

And she was glad to be here next to Lapis. But still a little annoyed that she was feeling that feeling again. 

"Glad that's what you notice," Lapis teased. "Do you wanna just start with Season One, or...?"

"Hmm. Season One isn't bad, but Two is the high point. And since this is just a one night thing...Might as well go with the best."

Lapis nodded in affirmation. Then she sprung to her feet and turned off the light before hitting play on the computer. 

The familiar theme song and credits began. And the two girls settled in.

"This is so nice," Lapis said. 

"Yeah," Peridot agreed. 

 _What the hell is wrong with you, Peridot?_  she scolded herself.  _You can't possibly be thinking...What would a girl like Lapis want with a pathetic depressed bum loser clod like you?_

"I'm...glad you have me here," Peridot said, in a stiltedly formal tone. She shifted again in her seat, careful to position her arms as far away from Lapis as possible, lest further touching.

"And I'm glad you're here," Lapis replied. Peridot caught a flash of light from the laptop in her eyes, and felt another shiver. 

"This is perfect," Lapis added, finally finding a comfortable position and snuggling in her blanket. "All we need is a dog at our feet, or something." 

"Yeah," Peridot thought, looking at Lapis again, then down at her arm. Which moved against the arm rest, as if of its own free will. Shifting her polo shirt just enough to reveal Peridot's arm, and the cuts thereon...

She rushed to pull up her sleeve, hoping Lapis wouldn't notice. Then she stared at the screen, muttering to herself:

"...Perfect." 

They went silent as the episode began. 


	3. Sleepless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who's been reading, commenting and leaving kudos! I'm so glad you're enjoying this story, it's a lot more personal than the previous ones and it's allowing me to reflect on issues I've experienced in real life.

Peridot couldn't sleep.

She tossed and turned on the small cot (not even a couch, a cloddy  _cot_ ) that Lapis provided for her, finding the small pad functioning as a quasi-mattress utterly insufficient, the wood of its frame digging into her back, or sides, or shoulders, depending on her position. At one point, she thought about rolling onto the floor and taking her chances, but figured that would be a bit extreme. Not to mention ungrateful to her host.

She stared at the light reflected on the ceiling from below. Street lamps, cars passing by. The occasional drunk students shouting or singing or making a ruckus. The dim twinkle of a fire in the distance. Life, and the city, passing.

It gave her time to think. Which was rarely a good thing.

Tonight, at least, she thought about Lapis. Which were mostly pleasant thoughts.

Mostly.

Because they'd spent almost four hours watching  _Camp Pining Hearts_ , trading barbs and observations about the patheticness of the characters, the cheesiness of the plots and the annoyingly wooden dialogue like they were MST3K or something.

Though Lapis, mischievous as she was, couldn't help pushing Peridot's buttons.

"Paulette is such a drip!" Peridot said. "How are we supposed to believe that she and Percy could  _possibly_  be a couple?"

"You're still on about that?" Lapis asked, rolling her eyes.

"A drippy loser clod like her with no personality, no position in the camp hierarchy, no discernible skills or talents..."

"True. Kinda hot though."

"Don't change the subject."

"Granted," Lapis said, shooting Perry a teasing side eye, "she's not as attractive as Paulette on the new series."

That did it. Before Peridot knew it, she'd started ranting about why this Paulette was the only Paulette, and how no cloddy brunette with short hair instead of long, flowing red ringlets, could  _possibly_  replace the original actress, let alone everything else wrong with that show that she'd never watched and swore she never would. It cost them both about six minutes of the show, but Lapis's snorting laugh and Peridot's confused groans made it worthwhile.

Before they knew it, they'd watched half the season and it was already 11:30. Lapis roused herself from her chair with a yawn and stretch.

"Well, that was...something."

"Something?" Peridot demanded, still animated from coffee and frantic nerd energy. "Only the greatest soap opera in the history of television!"

"Sure, if you say so," Lapis said. "I think I'm ready to hit the hay...if you don't mind."

"Um...sure. It is pretty late."

"I assumed you were gonna stay over."

Oh  **fuck.**

"I hadn't planned to...I mean, I don't want to put you out. I've already imposed enough. Besides, it's only an hour-and-a-half drive back to Jones Bluff..."

Lapis laughed. "What are you so  _nervous_  about, Perry? Just stay over. It's only for one night..."

How could Peridot say no to that offer, delivered in Lapis's sweet, pleading voice?

She just nodded dumbly, her body freezing up as Lapis moved away

"Okay, just gimme a minute and I'll get ready..."

Peridot watched as Lapis disappeared into her bedroom. And froze up, wondering...

_Oh my God! Is this...is this leading where I **think**  it is?_

She hadn't exactly forgotten Lapis was gay, but this...This is too fast!

 _We can't just leap from Camp Pining Hearts into bed!_  she told herself, arguing fiercely in her head.

_Can we?_

_Would that be so bad?_

_Yes, it **would**  be, Peridot, you cloudy-headed clod. Because she's your friend. She's offering you her friendship and a shoulder to cry on and a chance to have fun._

_And you, being Peridot, are screwing it up._

_Because of course, one nice night together and your mind instantly goes to fucking her._

_Like she's a smiling piece of meat. Not a person._

_You're almost as bad as a **guy**! What's wrong with you?_

_Can't you just have one friend without making it awkward!?_

The door opened. And for a moment Peridot panicked, half-expecting Lapis to come out of her room naked or at least clad in her underwear.

But no. Lapis emerged carrying a small, fold-out cot, which she stuck in front in the television.

And Peridot's fantasies, or fears, or  _whatever_  they were instantly deflated. Instead of helping Lapis, she watched the taller girl prepare the cot, slap down a small cushioned pad on top and call it a bed.

"There's a spare blanket and a pillow over there," she said, pointing to the corner. "I keep them for when...guests come over."

"Wow, thanks," Peridot grumbled. Not quite understanding herself as she went over and grabbed the pillow, which she found as fluffy as a dead armadillo.

"If you need anything...I mean, you know where the bathroom is, and you can get water or whatever when you're ready," Lapis said. She walked over to the thermostat. "If it's too hot, or cold, or whatever, you can fiddle around with this. Or open a window, although...you might not appreciate the sounds you'll hear outside. It can get pretty noisy on a Friday night."

"It's been awhile since I've dealt with drunken college students," Peridot said. She moved numbly over to the kitchen, pouring herself a drink of water, watching the bubbles slowly filter to the top.

She suddenly felt empty, disappointed. As if there should be something more to this.

As if the thing she'd worried about...wouldn't be so bad after all?

"Well, good night," Lapis said. "I usually sleep pretty late, but...I can be up whenever. If you want to get breakfast or something..."

_You bitch. Why are you **doing**  this to me?_

_Cram it, Perry. You're doing this to yourself._

"That would be nice," Peridot murmured, not looking at her. "Thanks."

Lapis smiled. "I had fun tonight." Not hearing a response, she walked tentatively into her room, before closing the door softly behind her.

"I had fun, too," Peridot muttered, staring down at the counter, dejectedly.

When she was sure Lapis was out of sight, she smashed her fist against the counter, spilling her water everywhere.

* * *

Lapis _always_  had trouble sleeping. One of her many,  _many_  problems, and tonight wasn't any different.

At least she retired to her room before midnight this evening.

She sat in bed with a small desk lamp, reading. Making another effort to force her way through Don DeLillo. Wishing that she'd grabbed a Jack Reacher novel, or even fucking James Patterson, instead. This weird, opaque story about government assassins and radical journalists and Nazi porn just wasn't doing it for her tonight.

She, too, thought about the night that had just passed.

How much fun she'd had with Peridot. Which she wasn't entirely expecting. Her nerd rants seemed much more endearing in person than over the telephone.

And she thought that she'd really made a connection with her little blonde friend.

Which was nice. Because Lapis...didn't have many friends any more. Just a few library coworkers that she infrequently saw outside work. And the few college acquaintances that she occasionally chatted with online.

And Jasper. To the extent she counted.

Best not to think about  **her**  tonight.

But then came the last minute. Peridot seeming upset over nothing. Like she expecting something else to happen.

At first, Lapis thought that she'd been a shitty host and that she'd done something to upset Peridot. Though another thought crossed her mind.

 _Does she have a crush on me?_  Lapis wondered.  _That would be something._

She thought about it for a moment, smiling to herself at how  **cute**  the idea was. Weird, wired little Peridot finding  _her_  attractive! Getting a crush like a teenager! Isn't that funny?

Then thinking maybe, if Peridot was serious, that it really wasn't so cute.

Because liking Lapis Lazuli meant trouble. More trouble for you than for her.

And Peridot had enough baggage in her life right now...she didn't need a girlfriend with her past and her problems on top of it.

Besides, she doesn't have a crush. She's just being...Peridot.

So she tried to let that thought die. Dove into the book as best as she could, managing to make it up to the final chapter before she quit. Not worth it tonight.

Distractedly, she grabbed a piece of paper sitting on the desk and started doodling. Something she'd started doing at work lately to relieve stress and boredom, even though she hadn't really doodled much since her fashion dreams died junior year of college in a fire of self-doubt.

A few minutes later, she came away with a goofy picture of her handing Peridot a leaf. She seemed serene and pleased with herself, Peridot seemed almost as excited as she'd been explaining Paulette's shortcomings.

Why a leaf?  _Camp Pining Hearts_  maybe?

It was silly, and the drawing wasn't very  **good** , anyway. But it made her happy.

Lapis finally turned out the light and laid back on the bed, smiling. But she still couldn't sleep.

* * *

"Can't believe you found this place," Peridot said through a yawn. She looked utterly disheveled, fitting as she hadn't slept at all, her hair a matted mess, the previous day's makeup smeared across her face.

"Can't believe you went out without making even the tiniest bit of self-adjustment," Lapis teased, looking as effortlessly beautiful as ever.

Peridot just blew her a raspberry. Then she turned to her plate and gobbled a forkful of home fries.

They were eating at a new diner just a few buildings down from Lapis's building. It had a chic, upscale decor, fancy without seeming tacky, and with high prices for eggs and bacon and fancier items to boot. Peridot just ordered eggs with home fries, while Lapis nibbled on a crepe.

"This is the perfect pick-me-up for hipsters," Lapis said, gesturing around her. "I mean, I'll bet you half the kids in here were completely hammered last night and this is their hangover breakfast."

As if on cue, a rough-looking boy a few tables over passed out into their food. His girlfriend uttered a single, way-too-loud "HA!" then resumed eating her food as if nothing happened.

"Well, I need as much breakfast as I can get this morning," Peridot mumbled, dipping her toast in the egg yolk.

"Didn't sleep much, huh?" Lapis asked. Peridot mumbled in response.

"I'm sorry. I know the cot isn't the comfiest..."

"Don't apologize," Peridot said. "It's nice enough that you offered."

"Of course. It's my pleasure. I try to be a good host, you know?"

"That you were," Peridot assured her. "Not your fault I'm an insomniac."

"Hey, I'm usually the one who can't get to sleep and wakes up at noon," Lapis responded. "I'm amazed that it's only...8:30 and I'm already functioning. Almost like a real adult.."

"Hmm."

An awkward silence as a waitress came and refilled their coffees.

"So, are you headed back home today?" Lapis asked.

"Planning to," Peridot said. "Meeting some friends for dinner in Jones Beach. Well, friends...more like, someone I went to high school with and still pretend to tolerate."

"Ah, that kind of friend."

"Yeah. Beats doing nothing, seeing no one."

"I've got a few errands to run," Lapis told her. "No big deal, shopping and stuff, I guess. I like to get everything done early on Saturday and rest Sunday. Plus it's been a long weekend, so..."

"Really? I always do my chores on Friday night so I can settle in and have fun."

"I mean,  **you**  were here Friday night," Lapis reminded her.

"True, but you took yesterday off."

"And spent all day cleaning!"

"Fair enough," Peridot said. "What do you do for fun?"

"Besides watching movies?"

"Besides watching movies."

"And  _Camp Pining Hearts_?"

"Nothing could be more fun than that. But yeah."

Lapis tilted her head thoughtfully, as if struck with a profound question. The only things that came to mind were movies, and her books, and...doing things with Jasper.

How much Jasper dominated her life and her thoughts. It made her sick.

"I like to read, I guess," she shrugged.

"Reading is fun," Peridot agreed. "Though not necessarily the books that you read..."

"Hey, literature is my jam," Lapis said. "We can't all read Squirrel Woman or whatever..."

"It's  _Squirrel Girl_! And yeah, I can see the appeal of wanting to read an...actual book. I do that on occasion. But, come on, Henry James?"

"What's wrong with Henry James?"

"Other than that his books are bloated, stentorian bloat fests, nothing."

"Hey!"

"And Philip Roth?"

"What  **about**  Philip Roth?"

"Jewish guy whines about his dick and occasionally masturbates for three hundred pages."

"That's all you get out of his...?  _The Human Stain_?  _American Pastoral_?"

"Nothing but raw male ego masked as intellect. Pass." 

"Great books and you reduce them to their grossest component parts."

"I'd say Roth reduced his own stories to their grossest component parts."

"See Peridot, this is why you'll never be a professional writer."

"Don't remind me."

Lapis felt herself getting a little defensive about her literary taste.

"You know, I don't tease you about the stuff that you like," Lapis said. Then she added, "Much."

Peridot, now resting her head on the table, arched an eyebrow and said nothing.

"Okay, fair enough. But still..."

"I'm sorry," Peridot said through a yawn. "Didn't mean to insult you or anything. Just a little...strange taste."

"My interests are quite diverse," Lapis answered. "I mean, it's like you don't know me at all."

The thought struck Peridot as almost profound.

"Maybe I don't," she muttered. After a moment, she elaborated.

"Guess I pictured you as, like, this really cool, together girl the whole time I knew you in school. Like, almost the opposite of me. Someone I had nothing in common with except, you know, we were both gay, but even there. You seemed so much...so sure about yourself."

Lapis made a strange noise, like a laugh caught in her throat.

"Man, did you  **read**  that wrong! I don't think we have time to mention all the ways I'm fucked up right now, but...sure about myself, really?"

"Well, what was I supposed to think?" Peridot said. "I mean...I really wasn't sure about my sexuality until...I dunno, maybe junior year? How many guys did I date before I realized that I didn't actually like them? How many times did I try forcing myself into a heteronormative box? I mean, that problem's mostly been sorted out now, but still, it made college a pain in the ass."

"And me?" Lapis asked. "I mean, look at me Peridot. Maybe not today, I mean..." She gestured to her haircut. "But come on, I've always been the feminine person that everybody likes, or thinks they likes, or at least tries to hit on or grope when they're drunk at a party. I mean, yeah, I knew I was gay from pretty early on, but...didn't make it any easier to deal with. Especially with my parents."

"Hmm. I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Lapis said softly. "Just...learn _tact_."

If Peridot recognized that Lapis had quoted Philip Roth, she didn't show it.

"Tact is one thing I'm not good at," she admitted, yawning again and stretching back against her chair.

Lapis couldn't help leaning forward to catch a glimpse of Peridot's pale belly. Peridot self-consciously patted her shirt into her jeans, shooting Lapis a look mixing indignation and...something else.

* * *

"So why did you give up fashion design, anyway? Don't think you ever told me that story."

"Kinda did. I mean, there's not much to tell. I just wasn't good at it. I mean, I had these really outlandish ideas for outfits that just didn't fly. Too many bows, or skin showing in the wrong places, or weird color schemes...They thought my work didn't make sense in the real world."

"Sounds like you should be an artist instead. Then nothing you produce needs to make sense."

Lapis laughed. "Maybe. I mean, I've started doodling lately. Good way to de-stress, get my mind off of things."

"Are you any good?"

Lapis smiled mysteriously.

"That bad, huh?"

"The worst."

"Well, if you have talent...I think you should use it," Peridot said, as they reached Lapis's apartment. "No reason for it to go to waste."

"Well, it's not talent if it's no good..."

"Okay, but do you like doing it?"

"Yeah."

"Then why not nurture it? Like, I write a lot. And most of it's shit, and none of it's been published by anyone, but...it's out there. And I'm expressing myself. And, I mean, that's what matters."

"You might have something there."

And they stood outside Lapis's building, not quite ready to break apart.

"I had a really good time this weekend," Lapis said, smiling.

"I did too," Peridot admitted. "You are a really good host."

"Thanks."

And Peridot hastened to add: "And a really good friend. Better than I deserve."

Lapis moved forward cautiously and put a hand on Peridot's shoulder. Peridot just stared at it for a long moment, pondering how to react, then leaned forward and gave Lapis a crushing hug.

Lapis gasped, then beamed, appreciating the warmth of the embrace, but not sure how to react. So she just folded her arms over Peridot's shoulders, her nose taking in the straw-like smell of her frazzled hair.

"Weirdo," she whispered in Peridot's ear as they pulled apart.

Good luck with everything," Lapis said. "I mean, looking for work or, selling articles, or...whatever you're trying to do."

"Staying alive would be a start," Peridot grumbled, with the slightest smirk to prevent Lapis from freaking out.

"Well, that too," Lapis said.

"And hey, seriously, keep drawing," Peridot said. "Who knows, maybe you can do something with it?"

"Yeah," Lapis responded.

"And maybe some day, let me see some of them," Peridot added.

"Sure."

"I mean, it's only fair, now that I've started you on your artistic career."

"What a great debt I owe you. But hey, I'll make a demand of my own."

"Oh?"

"You'll have to show me your articles sometime."

Now it was Peridot's turn to smile. She pressed her glasses tight against her face.

"It's only fair," she repeated.

"Well, guess I should get going," Peridot said. "It was nice."

"Yeah," Lapis said, leaving her words lingering in the air for a moment. Then, "Maybe we should do it again?"

Peridot started to answer, but the words caught half-formed in her throat.

"S-sure," she sputtered. "Hopefully soon. If it decides to get warm."

"Okay, see ya."

The two girls stared at each other for a moment. Then Peridot broke up the awkwardness by starting towards her car.

Lapis watched her walk for nearly a block, wondering. Then started towards the door.

She was just about inside when she felt her phone buzzing. And looked down to see the words she'd dreaded:

**"One missed call - JASPER"**

_Fuck me._

Well, this was almost a good weekend.

* * *

The farther Peridot drove away from Lapis, the happier she felt. Mostly because it seemed easier to process her feelings without Lapis staring right at her.

 _It was a nice weekend,_  she concluded after careful thought between dodging traffic. _Lazuli's company is quite pleasant and we have enough shared interests and knowledge bases to form the basis of a reasonable friendship._

 _Besides which,_  she thought, _she was nice to me._

_And she's a total babe._

Peridot noticed the exit lane at the last possible second, then made a sharp right into the lane, cutting off the car behind her.

The car honked, and Peridot shot the clod a middle finger.

 _Get that thought of your mind, Peridot,_  she said.

_You've made a friend. Lapis is your **friend**. You need a friend more than a girlfriend right now._

_Be satisfied with this. Don't fuck it up._

_A friend is better than nothing._

Only now did she realize that she'd taken the wrong exit. And that she'd have to loop around through the entire city to get back on the interstate. Which would only take her forty-five minutes, if the traffic cooperated.

"Fucking  **clod** ," she said through gritted teeth.

And Peridot wasn't sure if she meant Lazuli, or herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taking a break until the weekend, see you with a new chapter on Saturday!


	4. Awesome

_Another familiar scene in Lapis's apartment, with two women performing a well-rehearsed script:_

_"Lapis, please. I just want to see how you're doing."_

_"Jasper, I told you last time. I don't want anything to fucking do with you ever again."_

_"Come on, it wasn't my fault you burned yourself. That was...you were being careless."_

_"Careless? I was only careless because you were fucking trying to kill me!"_

_"I'm sorry about that. It...I overreacted."_

_"Well, you've overreacted for the last time."_

_"Come on baby, please just let me make it up to you. It's Saturday night and we're both lonely and...I know what you like. Remember, every time we fight it hurts both of us. And neither of us can feel better until we've made up. You know I'm right."_

_"...All right."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"I'm sorry, too."_

_"Just...let's get dinner or something."_

_"Okay. But that's it. Just dinner."_

_"Okay, whatever you say. That's all I'm asking for. A chance to make it up to you."_

_(Close on Lapis and Jasper in bed together, again. As Lapis wonders why she let this happen, again.)_

* * *

Lapis didn't need a primer on what she found attractive about Jasper. She liked her girlfriend's body, enjoyed her muscles and strength and her ability to make her come. Made her feel safe, when she was nice. And she could be sweet, and generous when she wanted to be.

But then she could also be awful. And violent. And abusive.

And Lapis felt sick. Because she was trapped.

Every time Jasper crossed a line, which seemed to be every week or so any more, Lapis swore her off. This time is the last time. I'll never let that bitch hurt me again.

And every time, Jasper came crawling back, groveling for forgiveness. And every time, Lapis listened and surrendered. Like a wimp. Like a coward.

Like a fucking  **moron**.

Lapis hated herself for it. She hated that she wasn't stronger. She hated that she didn't like the idea of being a single woman in her mid-twenties. (Why did  _that_  bother her so much? Maybe because her sister and so many of her classmates were already married.) Maybe because Jasper was already there, and patching things up with her was easier than meeting new people.

Or maybe...as Lapis feared...she  **enjoyed**  it. Which meant that she wasn't just a victim, but that she was as guilty as Jasper. And that hurt.

Because it meant there was something wrong with her. Besides the obvious.

And Lapis didn't need much persuading otherwise.

Still, when Jasper left her apartment that morning, barely bothering to acknowledge Lapis before slipping on her clothes and lurching out the door, Lapis went to her bathroom, turned on the shower and cried. Endless, heavy tears that mixed with the water in the drain.

Wondering why she was this way. Why she couldn't leave. Why she couldn't change.

Why she couldn't  _be better._

Only the sound of her phone, vibrating on the bathroom sink, punctured her self-loathing. She slipped and stumbled getting out of the tub, grabbing for the phone, thinking for a moment that Jasper might feel bad about leaving her like that. Knowing that a kind word, or a muttered, half-sincere apology, would reset everything.

Instead, she saw a text from someone else:

_"Lapis - thanks for this weekend. Had a great time. Talk soon. - P"_

And Lapis smiled, clenched the phone to her chest, and started crying again as a shell burst of joy and agony and confusion detonated her heart.

* * *

Peridot hated Sundays, because there was nothing to do.

She still attended church occasionally, more out of obligation to her parents rather than any real belief. Even though her parents were Methodists and the religion was relatively benign, she still found it hard to reconcile any faith with a god who viewed her as an abomination. Let alone the parishioners, who seemed less inclined than their priest to hate the sin, love the sinner. Or even tolerate the sinner, for that matter.

Most of Delmarva was liberal enough, but there remained stubborn packets of reaction away from the cities and the shore. Jones Bluff, the seat of Belcher County, seemed to conglomerate all of the state's rednecks into a small location. In Beach City or Capital City, Peridot could be herself; here, she had to be circumspect, disguising her true feelings while enduring taunts and sneers about the "gay agenda" and slightly more subtle, every day slurs and insults that she had to let roll off her back.

Not only did she hate having to hide a part of herself that she'd only belatedly and reluctantly embraced in college, after years of denial and torture and depression. She hated that she couldn't leave...that she  **had**  to be here. There was little to do there, little recreation (a couple of outdoor parks and box stores), only a handful of restaurants (some decent small-town diners and casual chain restaurants - how she missed Capital City's Strip District!) and no hope of escape.

And most of all, she hated that she'd put herself there. Because she hadn't been strong enough to keep her job. Or smart or skilled or determined or worthy enough to find something better. Waking up and seeing the rolling hills and farmland and rundown buildings around her proved that she remained a failure, destroyed by her own shortcomings.

Her parents, bless their hearts, tried to convince her otherwise. Her dad was a stern, pipe-smoking old-fashioned type who thought hard work, determination and rigidly enforced social roles would ensure success. He looked askance at her sexual orientation and viewed it as a "phase," than as "confusion," and still chose not to acknowledge it head-on. Still, he'd dealt with depression in his younger days and connected with his daughter on that level, if few others.

"Depression is a fucking monster, Perry," he said shortly after she moved home. "It takes over your life and destroys all hope, all sense of worth. Makes you feel like you're nothing. But that isn't true. You're a brilliant young woman, you have so much potential, and you can beat this. You  _have_  to beat it."

If he felt disappointed that she still hadn't found work after a year, he didn't show it. She could detect occasional flares of annoyance or frustration with her daughter, but he expertly masked them behind a stoic face and an endless cloud of tobacco smoke.

Her mom was more expressive, more outwardly loving, yet more willing to express disappointment. "Keep plugging away and you'll find something," she said, over and over again. At first it seemed like encouragement, then a banality. Now it seemed more like a threat or a complaint. If she didn't find something, the implication went, Peridot wasn't plugging away.

And she hated having to disappoint her parents. Having to rely on them for food and housing and money, things she'd provided for herself over the past few years. It made her feel like a kid again, only even more weak and useless than a child.

Lacking friends, she spent a lot of time hanging out around the house, watching  _Camp Pining Hearts_  and other TV shows, along with assorted movies. Or reading her books and graphic novels. Or slamming out music.

So she took to writing, whatever came into her head. An analysis of CPH here, a dissection of Marvel comics there, an occasional discourse on history or politics or extraterrestrial life for variety. Sometimes she tried her hand at fiction, though she proved awful at crafting stories and wouldn't let anyone read them. It was all more for her benefit, anyway, than anyone else's, a way to put her ideas into concrete form.

And that's how she spent this Sunday, polishing off an old article about CPH for submission to an entertainment magazine. She hadn't really wanted to, but she kept thinking about what Lapis told her the previous day. And the quiet encouragement of her parents, who rolled their eyes at Peridot's love for CPH but wanted her to be happy and successful.

 _I'm sure it won't get published,_  Peridot told herself as she pored over the manuscript.  _These clods have rejected my submissions like a dozen times in the past. But, what the hell. I've put more man-hours into this than I ever did into my actual job. Might as well do something with it._

Though, as she pasted it into an email message and prepared to send, her doubts seized her again.

 _Nobody's gonna read a 3,000 word article on an old soap opera,_  Peridot thought.  _Why bother?_

So she sighed, and prepared to close the email tab, when she her phone rang. She picked it up and read the text message.

_Perry - thanks for visiting! Always great to see you - means so much to me. Keep being awesome. - L_

Peridot smirked, both in pleasure and disbelief.  _Keep being awesome? That assumes I ever started._

Still, the message provided the jolt Peridot needed. She stared at the computer screen for a moment and reached a moment of quiet resolve.

 _What the hell,_  she said to herself.  _If I'm going to fail, I'm going to fail in an awesome way._

Peridot's smirk turned into a full-blown grin as she hit send. She felt a little thrill pass through her body as she did, like she'd broken through some huge, impenetrable mental wall. As if just sending the email was a huge accomplishment.

And maybe it was.

Maybe submitting this article was mistake. Maybe it was stupid. More than likely she would fail. But at least she'd tried. And for now, that was enough.

_Thanks, Lazuli._

* * *

Lapis spent the rest of the day doing little or nothing. She tried to blot Jasper out of her mind, difficult though that was. She received a text message from her coworker Aquamarine, asking if she'd go to some librarian's dinner with her. Lapis replied noncommittally, then forgot about it. She had TV to watch, books to read and thoughts to turn over.

She managed to finish  _Running Dog_  by about 4:00. What a strange and unsatisfying book. She laid back starting to sort through her feelings on it, but inevitably her mind turned back to her recent guest.

Peridot.

_Why can't I stop thinking about her?_

_Why does she matter so much right now?_

Lapis felt annoyed with herself. She hadn't ever thought about Peridot in any other terms than her friend, whom she could chat with and tease without really confiding too much. But her visit that weekend seemed to open some floodgate in her mind, made her wonder what the hell she was doing with herself.

Certainly, right now, she'd rather think about Peridot than Jasper. She kept telling herself that Jasper was a bitch, that she was better off without her, but those thoughts didn't really reassure her. Nor did she really believe them. She knew things weren't that simple, as much as she'd like them to be.

But Peridot...man,  _she_  wasn't simple either.

How could such a smart, accomplished girl be so self-loathing? How could such a frazzled, insecure person possess such a towering ego? How could someone so intelligent relish watching, and dissecting, the most awful soap opera ever conceived by Man?

How could Peridot look at someone like Lapis and see anything other than a complete mess? Was she  _that_  good at disguising her problems? Or maybe her first instinct was right...that Peridot had a crush.

And she wondered again if that was such a bad thing.

No. Put  **that**  thought of your mind. The last thing either of them needed was to start dating each other.

_We're just friends. And right now that's more than enough for either of us. Probably more than either of us deserve._

So she puttered through the rest of Sunday, picking out outfits for the week, eating cheap microwavable pasta and channel surfing, screaming in rage every time she spotted Donald Trump on some news broadcast. Finally, she settled on a channel that showed children's cartoons and watched mindlessly for awhile, not really paying attention but glad to have a distraction.

Not long before bed, she checked her emails. Mostly junk and spam, except for one which stood out. It didn't take much effort to place it.

_Lapis,_

_Thanks again for a lovely weekend and for your text. Thanks to your encouragement, I decided to submit my latest exegesis on Camp Pining Hearts to Eastern Entertainment. They'll probably turn it down (they usually do), but what the hell? If they can't see my spectacular brilliance, to hell with them._

_In all seriousness, though, I really appreciate having an awesome friend like you. You mean a lot to me, Lazuli, whether or not you realize it. Sometimes it's hard for me to connect with people, and I'm grateful for what we have. Not sure I deserve it, but I appreciate it, and you, all the same._

_Maybe I can visit you again sometime? If you don't mind putting up with me, that is. Could always use a break from this miserable town._

_Regards,_

_Peridot._

What a dork, signing off with regards like that. But Lapis felt too deeply moved by the rest of Peridot's email to dwell on that.

She felt a flush of warmth through her body, every word in the email seeming to activate some nerve in Lapis's body. Before she knew it, she started typing a response, writing in a daze that made her head spin.

_Peridot,_

_No problem! That's so amazing about your article! Please let me know if it's published, I loved to read it and to rag you about it._

_Trust me, I totally get it. It's hard for me to make and keep friends sometimes, too. And I'm not always as together as I probably should be. Must do a good job hiding it, if you don't think so. Maybe we're both losers, but if so we can at least be losers together._

_Just a reminder - you are awesome! And yes, I would love to see you again. Just let me know when you can make it to Capital City! It's not like I'll be doing anything any time anyway._

_Thanks,_

_Lapis_

Lapis smiled as she hit send, then clicked over to Netflix. She started  _Camp Pining Hearts_  where she and Peridot left off two nights before, and spent the rest of the evening watching it.

 _At least there's one good thing, and one decent person in my life,_  Lapis told herself. Someone who wasn't Jasper or Aquamarine or someone else she tolerated, at best. Someone who knew what it was like to feel like a loser. 

And at least now, if nothing else, Lapis had something to look forward to. She just hoped Peridot's schedule was as clear as hers. 


	5. Disaster

**April**

For their second evening together, both girls decided the weather was too nice to stay inside all night. So they decided to look for a restaurant.

Peridot had wanted to eat Mexican food, while Lapis suggested taking advantage of the warm spring evening by walking there. But it was far, and it was getting dark, and then it started to rain...so they scrambled into the nearest restaurant, which was an English-style pub. Unfortunately, it being Saturday night the restaurant was crowded with American soccer hooligans watching Manchester U on the big screen, screaming in raucous imitation of the most obnoxious English footie fans.

"Well, we could have picked a worse place," Peridot yelled over the din of the crowd, booing at a player's red card. "At least the food's good."

It was. Peridot loved their fish and chips, as close to authentic as anything to be found in the New World (even if Peridot blanched at adding mayonnaise or vinegar, per the waiter's suggestion). Lapis found some kind of beef pie which, to her surprise, hit just the right spot.

"You know, it's strange," she said through a mouthful of beef and carrots. "Every month I make a resolution that I'm gonna swear off meat, that I'm gonna try out being vegetarian for awhile. Because I always thought it was a cool idea, and healthier too. And my friends think it would be great. And yet somehow, I never follow through."

"Why's that?" Peridot asked.

Lapis answered by devouring a large chunk of beef, smiling as the gravy ran down her chin.

"I love meat too much." She said it in a strange tone, flat and unaffected but unavoidably suggestive.

"That's, um, a good reason," Peridot muttered, focusing on the gravy. Thinking about leaning across the table and licking it off her chin in front of everyone. And who cares what came next?

 _Kick that thought out of your mind, clod,_  she thought to herself, angry popping a chip into her mouth as distraction. But it only made her imagine how the chip might taste with Lapis's gravy on it...

"So, any luck with your article?"

"Huh?" Peridot snapped out of her meaty reverie.

"Your article. You know, that Camp Pining Hearts thing you told me about?"

It took Peridot a moment to remember.

"Oh yeah, _that_ ," she said dismissively. "Haven't heard back from them."

"Bummer," Lapis said, taking a sip of beer. "I really wanted to read it."

"Meh, like most publications they just can't appreciate the true genius of my analysis of Paulette's role within the CPH universe."

"Well, who would?" Lapis asked. "I mean, I can't imagine too many people have as thoroughly navigated her character arc as you. Probably not even the writers."

She meant it to reassure Peridot, but you wouldn't know it by the diminutive blonde's glower.

"You know nothing, Lazuli," she growled. "There are chat rooms and message boards and fanfics and Tumblr accounts you've never even  _dreamed_  existed!"

Lapis stared at her for a long moment. She had no idea if her friend was joking or serious at that moment. Or whether it mattered.

"Anyway, your hair's getting shaggy again," Peridot teased, changing the subject.

Lapis unconsciously ran a hand through her hair. Peridot was right.

"You think I should grow it back out?" Lapis asked. "I mean, I'd have to dye the whole thing, and..."

"No, no, no. I mean, I don't care. I mean...Blaargh, how is it that people handle these social interactions?"

Peridot took several deep breaths, making sure to carefully phrase every word.

"Lazuli, you look nice with your current hairdo. But you also looked nice with your old one. You...look nice. You're a very pretty woman. And...I don't care. I mean that in the best way possible."

She cringed at the queer look at Lazuli's face. Halfway between a smile and a baffled scowl.

"You could just say 'it's up to you,' dork," Lapis said. Though her face crinkled into a grin as she said it. And Peridot blushed and let a small snicker of delight escape.

Then she took a long swig of her beer. Peridot, who only had a glass of Diet Coke, watched in awe at her friend's fortitude.

* * *

Even after Lapis's pie congealed, Peridot's fish had grown oily and cold, the chips soggy and inedible, they remained at the restaurant chatting.

So much to catch up on in the past month. So much to talk about. And so much to avoid.

"The big issue at the library these days is...well, they're looking for full-time curators," Lapis explained, a little tipsy from drink. "Mostly that means they'd put me in charge of the special collections...antique books and rare books and research materials, and you know..." She belched. "Stuff that's not available to the general public."

"That's neat. Does it pay better?"

"Like $12,000 more a year than what I make now."

"Well, then definitely go for it."

"Oh, I hope I can! I mean, this fucking Master's Degree hasn't given me much use over the past few years. And I meet all the requirements. But there's this woman I work with...a bitch named Aquamarine...I think she's expecting to get it."

"Oh, really?"

"Total bitch," Lapis said, waving her hand for emphasis. "Came in one day with her hoity-toity English accent...I don't even think it's real, between you and me, but it makes her sound smart and sophisticated...and they gave her a job in my department as, like, a circulation assistant. Which you'll remember is Day One grunt stuff."

"Oh, I remember that  _very_  well."

"Right, laptops and shit. But within about five months or so, she gets promoted to Library Assistant. Which is, like, the job I needed three interviews to get. And she's already there and just like tormenting me every day with how great she supposedly is."

"One of those types, huh? Them I know very well."

"Like, sometimes I think she's just really better than me. But other times I think they're just impressed with her voice. Or that she's blowing somebody in the personnel department."

"Blow jobs are a surefire way to get ahead in libraries," Peridot commented dryly.

Lapis burst out laughing at that, a lot louder than Peridot was expecting. She must be perilously close to drunk.

And Peridot, being the gentle lady that she was, decided to wrap things up.

"Let's, uh, get back to your place, Lazuli," she said. "I'll pay."

Lapis scowled at her. "You will not."

"It's my pleasure..."

"Look Perry, you don't have any money. I do."

"Don't rub it in."

"But then it stands to reason that I should pay."

"No, this is  _my_  treat."

"You're  **my**  guest."

Eventually they decided to split the bill and exited the bar, tumbling past a few dudes singing Liverpool FC fight songs and a college kid puking on the sidewalk.

"The sights and sounds of the Strip District," Peridot grumbled, guiding Lapis away from the restaurant.

"At least it stopped raining," Lapis commented, looking at the sky.

It had. It was still cloudy, but the clouds and mist emitted an eerie pink-orange glow in the street lamps and the neon lights blazing from the restaurants. It was bizarrely beautiful, almost comforting.

"Sometimes I think you have it made," Lapis committed. "You don't have to worry about all this job shit."

"Yeah, I guess there's an upside to being unemployed," Peridot snarked.

" **And**  you don't have a so-called girlfriend to ruin your life," Lapis added.

She caught herself too late to stop the confession. Remembering that she had never mentioned Jasper to Peridot, not once.

She clamped her hands over her mouth in shock, backing away from Peridot for a moment, as if expecting Peridot to yell or run away or slap her. Dumbfounded, Peridot stood frozen, having no clue how to respond.

Finally, they resumed walking, but didn't say another word until they reached Lapis's apartment.

* * *

"Perry, I'm sorry."

Lapis leaned back in her chair, almost tipping it over. Peridot gently leaned over and steadied it.

"For what?"

"For...saying what I did."

"Why are you apologizing?"

"I didn't mean to make fun of you or anything. I'm bitching about my job and you don't even..."

"I didn't think you were. I mean, you're allowed to be stressed about your job. Whether I have one or not is immaterial to the level of stress you experience."

"I guess...when you put it in nerd talk like that."

Beat.

Then Peridot returned to what had  _really_  bugged her.

"What's this about a so-called girlfriend?"

Lapis groaned and closed her eyes.

"Make me some coffee and I'll tell you," she muttered. "If I can stay awake. I'm sorry, I don't usually drink that much."

"I remember you drinking a lot back in college," Peridot said, moving over towards the kitchen.

"That was  **college** , Perry. Everyone drank."

"I didn't," the little blonde replied, with a little too much pride.

"Well, weren't you Little Miss Perfect."

"It's not a question of being Perfect," Peridot answered, rooting around in the cupboards. "I simply didn't like alcohol. Although yes, I did take some satisfaction in exercising superior self-control. It's one thing I've always been good at."

"That why you were always single, too?"

Peridot just growled, pushing aside a cereal box.

 _At least you're making it hard for me to think about fucking you,_  she thought.

"Try the top shelf," Lapis offered.

Peridot grumbled to herself and stood up on her tiptoes, trying to reach. Finally, she wrapped her hands around a large metal cylinder.

"A-ha!" she cried out, nearly falling over as she pulled it out. She spun the can around in her hand and read the label.

"Herbal Instant Coffee Substitute?" she said, disgust dripping from each word. "Barley, Chickory and Rye. Yuck."

"That stuff's not bad," Lapis assured her. "You can brew it for us."

"Are you joking?" Peridot said. Then she noticed the top:  **CAFFEINE FREE.**

"There's not even any caffeine in this!" Peridot cried. "Then what's the point?"

"Just make it, Perry," Lapis grumbled. "A hot drink would be good right about now."

"But there's nothing in it that will even neutralize the alcohol! It's just, like, hot water with dirt in it."

"Perry, shut up. If you aren't gonna drink it, fine. But  **I**  want to drink it."

"Fine," Peridot said, emptying some of the weird gray-brown powder into a coffee mug. "But if I'm gonna make this for you, you've got to tell me about this girlfriend of yours."

A long pause.

"Deal," Lapis said finally.

Peridot smirked, not sure whether this development was good or bad. She decided to pour herself a cup too, even though she shuddered watching the dust rise from the powder.

What the hell? If she's gonna spill her guts, might as well drink her fucking coffee.

* * *

"Jasper and I met...God, how long has it been? I think we first met right after I moved back to Capital City. Fresh out of grad school and on the rebound. Went out to a bar near the library looking for drinks and maybe someone to take home with me.

"Well, I wasn't too familiar with the gay scene in town so I went to a regular bar. Guess I figured it didn't matter - I was more thirsty than horny that night. But I'd barely sat down when some frat brats sat down next to me and tried buying me a drink. They were douchebags who wouldn't take no for an answer, and things escalated.

"One them got a little frisky, and before I could pull myself away another woman came over and throttled the living daylights out of both of them. It was, like, the most amazing thing I'd ever seen! And...so was she. She was, like, a woman built like a tank, which was a bit intimidating, but...there was a sweetness to her. And real chivalry."

"Love at first sight, then?"

"Well, lust at least."

"So she took you home."

"More like the other way around."

"I see."

"And...well, it worked for awhile. She made me feel safe and secure. And...the sex was great, don't get me wrong. And she was capable of being sweet. But...she was a monster. Is a monster, I guess. She had a bad side."

"Had?"

"What?"

"You said had. Did it go away?"

"Not exactly."

"Does she hit you?"

"...She has. And worse. She's...she calls me names. Treats me like garbage. We don't even really have dates any more. She just comes over sometimes, or I come over to her place, and we have sex...and that's it. It's, like, not even a real relationship any more."

"Then why are you with her?"

"It's complicated."

"What's complicated about it? Sounds like she's abusing you." I think if my girlfriend was hitting me, I'd break it off."

"It's not that simple, Perry! God. I don't know why...I feel like I have to explain this to everyone because they don't get it. They don't get how many emotions you can have towards one person at once. And it's so hard to answer that question because I don't know. And how can I explain it to you if I don't understand it?"

Peridot cringed, surprised by her response. By how hurt Lapis appeared that she'd even ask that question.

"I'm sorry," she offered.

"It's okay."

"It's  _not_  okay. I of all people should know to be more empathetic towards someone who's in a difficult spot..."

"Don't beat yourself over it, Peridot. Really. It's not worth it. And...it's not like you're the only person who feels this way. It's so exhausting...And I don't know how much longer I can handle it."

"Is that why you've never mentioned her before?"

Lapis put her head in her hands and sighed.

"Maybe," she said, closing her eyes and rubbing her temples with her hands. "Maybe it's like, I don't even think of Jasper as my girlfriend any more. Or our arrangement, whatever you'd call it, as a relationship. It's more like...a thing that happens. A disaster, maybe. Once it's over, it's over. Once she's gone, she's gone. And I can move on and try to live my life until it happens again. But then it does and...I can't stop it."

"I'm not sure I understand," Peridot admitted. "But...I mean, it's not like you're encouraging it. It's definitely not your fault."

Lapis looked away from her. "What if I  **am**? What if I do encourage it? What if I like it, even? That's the part that scares me."

She didn't expand on that, looking deeply ashamed. Peridot didn't say anything more, though she drew closer to her friend, preparing to offer comfort.

"Nobody understands," Lapis said again, more sympathetically than before. "It's hard to understand. I'd just appreciate if someone would try. Just...listen. Rather than judge."

Peridot had never seen her friend so vulnerable, and it broke her heart. For once, all of her sexual confusion retreated into the back of her skull.

Right now, it was more important _to be there_.

She reached over Lapis's shoulder and clasped her hand. The two of them didn't say a word, didn't face each other, just enjoying the simple act of touching and the lack of judgment or fear. The feeling of friendship.

Then Lapis broke the reverie:

"What do you think of your drink?"

Peridot pulled her hand away. She hadn't yet worked up the courage to try it.

"Umm...let me refresh my memory."

She grabbed a cup and took a small sip of the lukewarm liquid. It made her gag.

"It tastes like a stick," she sputtered.

"What?"

"A stick. A hot, liquid stick."

"You silly little dork."

"Stick juice, if you will."

"Shut up."

"Hot stick juice."

"Can it, Perry. I invite you into my home..."

"You asked for my opinion, I gave it to you."

"Well, at least someone in my life's honest with me."

Silence. Then Peridot asked:

"Is...that what you meant when you said you were more messed up than me?"

Lapis bit her lip, hesitating, then chuckled sadly. 

"Well...it's a start," she said finally. "Maybe we can leave it there?"

She hugged herself, then shot Peridot a pleading look which melted Peridot's heart. She nodded, not daring to touch her friend again.

Then Lapis smiled and jumped to her feet, still a little shaky, and walked over to her bookshelf.

"Well, let's forget about that all depressing shit," she announced, searching furiously for something. "Let's have some fun before bed."

Peridot forced a smile on her face, even though she was still absorbing what she'd just learned. 

"What kinda fun do you have in mind?" 


	6. Morps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always to everyone who's commenting, especially Bundthead, DreamlandB and SeedSerotiny! Your reviews and encouragement mean so much!

"What on Earth  _is_  it, Perry? That's not helpful at all."

"If I could tell you, the game would be over."

"But you just drew a stick figure with a little dot in its hand. What the hell?"

"Urrgh. This shouldn't be rocket science, Lazuli. Just look at it."

"...Okay. I looked at it and it's a stick figure with a little dot in its hand."

"Look  **harder**. Concentrate."

"...Okay. I looked harder. I concentrated. It's a stick figure with a little dot in its hand."

"Okay, how about  _this_?"

A blur of hands and markers and grunts the dot turned into a massive triangle protruding from the stick figure's hand.

"What the...? Okay, I'm totally missing something here."

Peridot growled and clenched her fists. Then exploded:

**"GAAAAH! I CAN'T MAKE THIS _CLEARER_ , LAZULI! DO YOU GIVE UP!?"**

Lapis snorted and laughed, as she was wont to do whenever Peridot became agitated.

"Okay...I'll think about it for a sec."

"I wish you'd take this seriously," Peridot muttered.

"It's a  _game_ , Perry. But all right, if it makes you feel better."

She sat back, still smiling quizzically as she contemplated Peridot's pathetic drawing. She tried not to look at Peridot's expectant, twitchy face, lest she burst out laughing.

"Having seriously considered your drawing...I have no idea what the fuck it's supposed to be."

Peridot screamed out her frustration, tore the paper off the board and ripped it in half.

"It's a guy with a splinter in his hand, Lazuli!? What the hell else did you think would be sticking out of somebody's hand like that?"

"Whoa, calm down," Lapis said, a little surprised at her vehemence. Then she burst out laughing any way, and Peridot stalked to the other side of the room.

"Look, I tried, Ms. Artist," Peridot growled. "I'm sorry I can't draw. Just another thing I'm no good at."

"Perry, you're getting worked up over nothing. It's just a silly game."

Peridot took a few deep breaths and folded her arms. Then she turned back to Lapis.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," Lapis said soothingly. "Just...take a deep breath. Relax for a minute, okay? It's no big deal. Really."

Peridot moved sulkily over to the chair. She didn't even notice when Lapis put a calming hand on her shoulder. She was too angry at herself for making a scene.

 _What's wrong with me?_  she asked herself. That damn question again.

She never had an answer.

Fortunately, Lapis didn't give her much time to think of one.

"Now,  **this**  clue is a hard one," she said, holding the marker daintily in her hand, like a painter envisioning her masterpiece.

Peridot was able to calm herself down.

_It's okay. You completely lost your cool over something stupid and she didn't get angry or kick you out._

_Maybe this is okay._

_Maybe you're okay._

How simple it was to be happy, and how hard to realize that you are.

Fortunately, Lapis made it easier for her.

Watching her friend draw, her face etched with deep, disproportionate concentration, gave her a strange little thrill. Because Lapis seemed totally in her element. Like she was working on something much more serious than just a drawing for a silly game.

Strange though it was, it made Peridot appreciate her all the more. Just watching her work made her enjoy being there. Made her proud to be her friend. Made her ask about Lapis, if only in her mind.

_How could someone so wonderful feel so bad about herself?_

That was an even harder question to answer than her own recurring problems.

Though not as hard, evidently, as deciphering Lapis's drawing.

"Ta-da!" And Lapis moved away from the canvas, beaming. And Peridot goggled at the absurd drawing, an utterly indecipherable series of circles and shapes with something pointed on the end.

It was vivid and wild and strangely beautiful. But what the hell  **was**  it?

Peridot stared helplessly for a long, long moment.

"This is revenge for the splinter, isn't it?" Peridot asked.

Lapis shrugged. "It's just the clue I got," she said.

Peridot stared at for a moment. She even stood up and walked up close, hoping that closer examination of the chaotic marker stains might reveal their meaning.

It didn't.

"Umm...Is it a dog?"

Lapis stared incredulously at her for a moment. Then her laugh practically shook the walls of her apartment.

Peridot blushed and cringed. She wanted to die. Or at least to sink into her chair.

But she also felt wonderful.

* * *

By the time they finished their game, it was past eleven. Neither woman seemed ready for bed, so they just chatted and enjoyed each other's company. Which seemed easier, even when they had little to talk about.

"Personally, I've seen enough superhero movies for one lifetime," Lapis said.

"They do come out with a lot," Peridot replied, for once not snapping at a jab towards her nerdiness. "I mean, if I were Marvel I would definitely spread the release dates out more. One every, like, three months is a bit excessive for hype purposes."

"Exactly!" Lapis said, surprised and happy that Peridot would agree. "I mean, I know a lot of people like them and go see them and all, but...Do we really need one to come out practically every other week? And they're all sequels now. It's like, if you miss one Marvel movie you need a goddamned road map to catch up with everything."

"Or a Wiki," Peridot offered with a smirk.

"And that's not even mentioning the Batman-Superman things, whatever they are."

"Oh Lord, don't get me  _started_  on those abominations," Peridot moaned, rolling her eyes back practically into her skull.

"They release too often, too?" Lapis wondered, egging her on.

"Nah, that's not the issue," Peridot said. "With Marvel, it would be better if they released their movies so.

"Well?"

Peridot smiled as she pressed her glasses against her nose, the nerd in her natural element.

"If I were DC I'd close up shop and go cry in a corner."

"I dunno," Lapis said, " _Wonder Woman_  was pretty cool."

"True, but two of the three films she's appeared in so far have been complete, rancid, quasi-fascist garbage."

"But, Gal Gadot is a babe," Lapis insisted.

"Well...there's  _that_. But there are attractive women in many awful films, and I'm not  always obliged to watch them."

"But sometimes?" Lapis wondered, smiling.

"Ehhh...I plead the Fifth."

"Man, forget those magazines," Lapis offered, draping an arm around Peridot's shoulder. "Maybe you should be a film critic."

"Oh, that would be divine," Peridot said, smiling, more at the arm than the complement. "If only someone would pay me for it."

"Well, with a brain full of useless knowledge like that, you'd be great."

"Wow, thanks."

"I mean it."

The two smiled and stared at each other for a long moment. Maybe a little too long. Because both sensed the awkwardness simultaneously.

"Let me, um, refresh your drink," Lapis offered, pulling away grabbing her mug of faux coffee.

Peridot, confused as ever, leaned forward with a silent, self-loathing sigh. Then she muttered:

"Just get me some water."

* * *

The evening drew on, the conversation grew more banal and silly until they were arguing about Linkin Park albums and Sno-Cones.

And Lapis didn't want it to end.

She tried thinking of the last time she'd enjoyed someone else's company as much as this. And all she could think of was...the last time Peridot visited.

And how much she liked spending time with the little nerd, whether chatting about nonsense or playing mindless games or watching soap operas or deliberately irritating her.

And how much she...just  _liked_  her.

Peridot had a crush on her, and did a terrible job of hiding it. The way she blushed or looked away or how she murmured whenever things go too intimate.

And since she wasn't overtly creepy or weird...Lapis didn't mind. She thought it was a little awkward, she worried whether they should talk things out instead of letting Peridot suffer. Because she knew full well how rough unrequited love could be...especially when it went unacknowledged.

But...what if it wasn't unrequited?

 _That_ 's what started to trouble Lapis.

Peridot's endless self-loathing made her feel bad. Made her want to grab her shoulders and shake some sense into her. But she knew, from personal experience, it took a lot more than that to puncture her depression.

Still, though, someone who spends as much time reading and writing and thinking as Peridot did deserved a break. Or at least some sense of satisfaction. Clearly, she wasn't wasting her life if she was putting her mind to use.

It made her feel bad that she couldn't be more of a comfort, that she could empathize but not offer solutions. Which is why she'd been so reluctant to share her own problems...

Though that didn't matter. Because Peridot could only see the good in her.

And that's why she liked Peridot. She didn't get why Peridot refused to believe her when she said she was broken and damaged and a mess. Perry's confidence in Lapis seemed laughable, almost pathetic.

But it also touched her, deeply. Because the number of people in her life who believed in her weren't very high.

Not her parents, with whom she barely spoke any more.

Not her sister, who pretended she didn't exist.

Not her coworkers, who respected her professionally but didn't give a toss about her as a person.

Not her old friends, who had largely drifted out of her life, aside from occasional birthday wishes and drunk texts.

Not Jasper, who...Well, definitely  **not**  Jasper.

That's why she liked the little dork. Everything else - her silly hair and cute glasses and freckled face and petite figure and weird fashion sense and...God, the way she got so worked and passionate over nonsense...

Well, it  _was_  a great package. But most of it was just an adorable bonus.

It was her  _understanding_  Lapis liked. Her willingness not to judge. Her encouragement.

But Lapis wasn't  _sure_  that she loved Peridot. And she didn't want to press her luck, anyway.

Better to have half a loaf than the whole thing.

Better a lifetime friendship, however awkward, than a short-term fling that burns itself out and leaves misery in its wake.

And who knows how Peridot would react, even if she felt the same way? Maybe especially if she felt the same way?

Though Lapis, as the conversation petered out, finally felt comfortable enough to show Peridot something private and personal. Or at least, potentially embarrassing.

It seemed the least she could do, all things considered.

* * *

"Please tell me you don't have, like, a wall of corpses or some kinda S&M dungeon in there..."

"What if I did?" Lapis joked, pulling her friend into the bedroom. "Would that _really_  scare you off?"

" **Yes**!" Peridot squeaked, her face twisted in panic and confusion.

Lapis relished it, a little sadistically, then chuckled and relented.

"No, it's something...Let's just say Pictionary was practice."

"...Oh."

"You sound so disappointed," Lapis teased, comically frowning.

Lapis guided Peridot to her bed and then went into her closet.

"Now, I don't remember if I told you, but...I've been a bit of a doodle bug lately..."

"What does that mean?"

"It means what it sounds like," Lapis said dryly. "I doodle."

"And...you're a bug?"

"Okay, you don't  _have_  to make everything weird."

"It's kinda my job."

After a moment, Lapis emerged with a few large sheets of paper, similar to the ones used in their game.

"I decided to heed your advice...and I guess my own, sorta, and decided to turn my doodles into art."

"Art?" Peridot tilted her head to one side quizzically. Not sure what to expect, or what she'd done to deserve this...treat.

Lapis sensed her reaction. "Don't laugh until you actually see my work, okay?" she pleaded. " **Then**  you can laugh all you want!"

"I'll have to take you up on that," Peridot replied.

Lapis, blushing slightly, unfurled one of her canvases. "This one's pretty simple," she said. "I didn't do it from life, so it's a little..."

This one, Peridot recognized immediately. A dog. What appeared to be a beagle, at that, sitting on its haunches expectantly.

"Oh my. Lapis, that's really good. Really pretty."

"Thanks. This is my dog, Pumpkin. We had him when we were little, then...one day he ran away and...well, I guess from there he went to that farm upstate."

"That's really sad."

"Ehh, it was our fault. My dad refused to fix him because he had a thing about testicles, I guess. And look where it got us."

Peridot snickered at her friend's weird comment.

"Well, it's a very nice dog, Lapis. Not bad at all. Quite good, even."

"Thanks," Lapis replied flatly. "And this one-" She grabbed another piece of paper. "...is another one I drew from memory."

"It's a horse!" Peridot said, clapping her hands. "Delightful! Wait, you didn't own a horse, did you?"

"Man, I wish," Lapis said. "Just one of those childhood memories that you can't shake, I guess. I went to a farm with one of my friends and we saw this beautiful chestnut mare. Guess I didn't color it, but...I remembered the way that she looked at us like she wanted to jump over the fence and come home with us.

"Sorry for getting sappy," she said, noting Peridot's bizarre expression. "I guess I was a romantic little girl back then."

"I  **guess** ," Peridot mocked, snickering that weird snicker again. Lapis didn't know whether to cringe or punch her or plant a kiss on her lips.

"Sorry," Peridot said. "It was a nice drawing, even if the story was a little..."

"Gooshy?"

"Sure, let's adopt that bizarre neologism instead of a million commonplace words."

"Hmm." Lapis put her hands on her hips, pretending to be irritated. "If you're gonna behave like this, Perry, I won't show you the third one..."

"Whether that's a punishment depends on what it is," Peridot said.

What a fucking dork.

"What do  **you**  think it is?" Lapis challenged.

"Another animal, maybe...?"

"I guess a kind of animal...technically. Scientifically speaking, anyway. But not really."

"So...a person? An alien? What?"

Lapis smirked and unraveled the next roll of paper. Peridot's eyes bulged, then she burst into appreciative laughter.

It was a hyper-realistic rendering of Paulette from CPH!

The first was the clearly superior original version with her curvy figure and ample bosom and curly red hair and her vacant Canuck stare. Only it seemed furious, because she was beating the ever-loving shit out of another woman.

It took Peridot a moment to recognize that the other woman was the Other Paulette...specifically, the thin, reedy brunette with the short hair from the . Her face contorted into agony.

It was clever and strange and not a little mean.

It made Peridot tumble off the bed, laughing hysterically.

"Oh my...Oh my stars...Lapis! This is...the greatest thing I've ever seen! Holy shit!"

She stopped laughing just long enough to sit up and point. "The way you rendered both characters is breathtaking! Real!Paulette looks like a complete dingus sufficed with sexiness and righteous anger at being replaced. Pauline in Name Only, or PINO as the fan community calls her, exhibits all the unnecessary angst and trauma that the reboot added to her character, perverting it beyond all recognition. As brilliant a piece of fan commentary as I've ever seen!" 

Lapis rubbed her wrist vacantly and looked away, pleased, and a little overwhelmed at Peridot's reaction.

"Well, I wasn't expecting that detailed an analysis, but...thanks."

"Seriously Lapis, this is incredible! It's not just art, it's great  **fan**  art!"

"Wow, what a complement," Lapis snarked. "Think I can get my own Tumblr account?"

"Oh, this is too good for Tumblr! Try DeviantArt! Or hey, there are a million other sites you could use. Or..."

And she tried to regain some sense of seriousness as she said this, though her passion remained.

"You could try to get something published, like in a legit magazine or something. Did you ever think of making a graphic novel or something?"

Lapis giggled nervously. "All right, now you're flattering me."

"No, really! I guess you need a story or something to work with, but...I mean, you're really, really good."

Neither of them realized that Peridot had clasped Lapis's hands...until it happened. And then they looked into each other's eyes, and the smile faded into mutual surprise.

Again a moment of connection, suffused with awkwardness. 

And Lapis, staring at her friend, blue eyes meeting green from about a foot away, felt her heart catch fire. And she knew Peridot felt the same way. 

All it would take was one word, one gesture, one glance, and she'd melt into Peridot's arms.

Instead, Peridot pulled away, muttering and messing with her hair.

"Thanks...for showing me this," she said, more subdued, acting ashamed of herself. "You're really talented, Lazuli. I..."

"Hey, it's..." Lapis beat down the urge to say something. "Thanks, Peridot."

Both women seemed thoroughly disappointed that nothing more had happened. Each silently blaming themselves. 

"I'll...go set up the cot," Peridot said, walking out of the bedroom.

"Yeah," Lapis said, fidgeting with her hands. 

"Thanks again, Lapis, for showing me that," Peridot repeated. "Those drawings were...something."

"Thanks." 

"Well...good night."

"Good night, Peridot."

* * *

 

Stop it right now, you clod! Peridot berated herself. This is not the time to get all mushy! You should know this by now!

She growled angrily at herself as she swaddled herself in an undersized blanket. She was too angry at herself even to notice the hard bed frame digging into her back. She heard the familiar voices raging in her head, berating her for having feelings. 

_She is your friend._

_Your **friend.**_

_Nothing more._

_Leave it be._

_Don't ruin a good thing._

_Be an adult for once, Perry._

_She doesn't want you._

_Nobody wants you..._

That last thought stopped her cold, hanging in the air above Peridot as she struggled to sleep.

She lay in the darkness, trying not to cry. 

* * *

After putting away her drawings and turning her lights out, Lapis stood in the doorway of her bedroom.

She looked at Peridot for just a second, watching her toss and turn under the sheets, and sighed.

 _Don't do this to her,_  Lapis told herself.  _She deserves better than you._

_She's a friend. And that's fine._

_That's more than fine._

_You need a friend more than you need a girlfriend._

_Or... another girlfriend._

Still, she couldn't help herself. She couldn't completely close off the possibility.

She left her bedroom door open the tiniest smidgen, enough to be noticeable. An invitation, but not a demand.

But Peridot didn't notice. Or didn't react.

She didn't know which was worse.

And Lapis sighed and stared at the ceiling. Wondering whether she still had a friend.

Wondering if she'd always be alone. 

Wondering if she'd ever be happy.


	7. Books

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: even more literary nerdiness in this chapter than previous ones. And discussion of some books with, erm, adult content.

The warmer the weather became, the more time Peridot spent in the local library.

The Jones Bluff library was rather small - just two small floors with a few tables for reading and a computer station - and smelled of mildew and wet paper. Nor did it have a huge collection of books - mostly middlebrow doorstop novels from the likes of James Michener and Stephen King, along with Dad history books as sophisticated and insightful as your average History Channel show on aliens.

But it was something to do that didn't involve a huge trip or begging her parents for money. Heck, she could walk there in about fifteen minutes and bike in less, though she preferred to drive because she never missed an opportunity to use her car. And occasionally, a diligent bookworm could find _something_  worth checking out.

Today she sat at one of the tables skimming through Philip Roth's  _Indignation_ , wondering if she'd get something out of it that she'd missed before. If she could see what Lapis got from his work. She made it to the chapter where the protagonist ejaculated all over his hospital bed, then yelped in disgust and sent the book flying across the table. She half-thought about bolting upright to the bathroom, then calmed herself down when she realized half the patrons and the tall, red-haired librarian were staring at her.

Fortunately, she soothed her trauma and awkwardness by picking up another book she'd found on her own. Rainbow Rowell's  _Fangirl_ , a book she'd read a few times before and whose portrayal of fan culture was near and dear to her heart. She really liked Cather, feeling that Rowell got her a lot better than anyone else. And she wished Lapis would read books like this instead of the pseudo-readable snob lit that adorned her shelves.

 _Damn it,_  Peridot thought, _I can't stop thinking about Lapis for a second. Even here._

 _ **Especially**  here._ She remembered that Lapis worked in a library, too. Which didn't help.

"Hi Peridot!"

A familiar voice piped through the air. Peridot lowered the book and saw an eager adolescent face staring at her.

"What's up, Dot?" he said.

"Steven, it's nice to see you," Peridot said, not changing the scowl on her face.

"Find anything interesting to read?" Steven asked.

"Sort of," she said.

"Great. I just finished the fourth  _No Home Boys_  book, and it was lots of fun. Sometimes I wish I could run away from home..."

"You and me both," Peridot mumbled. "Glad to see you're still reading, Steven. It's a nice break from all the TV you watch."

"Well,  _Crying Breakfast Friends_  ran out of new episodes so I needed  **something**  to do."

"You're still watching that show?"

"Yep."

"Why?"

"The same reason you still watching _Camp Pining Hearts_." Steven grinned, so sweetly that Peridot wanted to smack him.

Peridot just grumbled in response.

"So are you headed up to Capital City again any time soon?" Steven asked.

"At some point," Peridot answered.

"Man, I've only been there a few times with my dad, but it's so much nicer than Jones Bluff. So many more places to eat, and to buy clothes, and so many interesting people. Some many ways to get chased down dark alleys by angry panhandlers..."

"...What exactly do you and your dad  **do**  when you're in Capital City, Steven?" Peridot asked.

"Secret Universe stuff," he assured her with a wink.

"Lucky you."

"Have you been in touch with your friend?" Steven asked.

"My friend? You mean Lapis?"

"Yeah, her. The girl with the blue hair."

Oh Christ, of course  **he'd**  mention her.

She regretted telling Steven about Lapis, since he sensed Peridot's feelings for the girl early on. Even before Peridot was sure herself. But then, she had few enough people to talk to in Jones Bluff. And Steven, who always seemed to hang out at the library when Peridot came, was a friendly, easygoing kid, just lots of fun to chat with. His enthusiasm for everything was infectious.

Still, though. Peridot wanted to go at least a minute without thinking about the woman who dominated her thoughts every waking moment.

"We've...talked once or twice since the last time I went up there," she said.

Which seemed a good way to characterize it: mostly terse, perfunctory exchanges of emails and texts, with none of the warmth or closeness they'd exhibited.

Which made Peridot worry deeply that whatever had happened..had  _almost_  happened...hadn't  **actually**  happened...had ruined everything.

"She's your best friend, huh?" Steven asked.

"Yeah...I guess she is. It's really hard to make any friends in a place like this..."

"Except me!" Steven said.

"Except you," Peridot smiled. But it was a hollow smile, and Steven picked up on it instantly.

"So, what's the problem?" he said, immediately sympathetic.

Peridot sighed. "Well, a couple things. I mean, I don't have a job, or money, or anything...so it's not like I can see her all that often."

"Peridot, you're just in the middle of a rough spot," Steven assured her.

Peridot smiled again, knowing that Steven, at least, would never judge her for it.

"Some day you'll get a job," he continued. "And then you'll have lots of money...and more time to spend with your friends up in Capital City."

"That would be nice," Peridot admitted.

"Have you done any job searching lately?" Steven said. "Any interesting leads or exciting new careers come your way?"

"I...haven't really looked."

"What? Well, how are you gonna find a job if you don't look?"

"Steven, it's not..." Peridot lashed out defensively. She'd grown tired of having to defend herself to friends and acquaintances and less understanding family members, how it wasn't just a question of her sending in resumes, how getting a job wasn't that easy...

But that's not how Steven meant it. He was just being Steven.

"Come here, I know someone who can help you!" he said, pulling Peridot's arm and causing her to drop  _Fangirl_  to the floor. Before she could react, they were already at the lending desk.

"Peridot, meet Pearl," Steven said, introducing her to the librarian with the light, pink-red hair. Even though Peridot had seen her weekly for several months, she hadn't known her name until now.

"Um, yes, you're Peridot Forster," Pearl said with a guarded smile. "You're the one always checking out those graphic novels and...shrieking a lot."

Peridot blushed and murmured nervously.

"Well, today she's not here to shriek," Steven promised Pearl.

"Well, that's a relief," Pearl said, smiling indulgently.

"She needs some career help, and I think you're the one to give it to her," Steven urged.

"Oh, yes," Pearl sputtered. "Well, we do have these career management pamphlets for those seeking a job search..."

Peridot looked over the pamphlet and groaned quietly. It gave her a link to a local Career Link office, some tips on searching for jobs online, common job websites...

First grade stuff. And she was pretty sure she had a few copies of this pamphlet lying around her bedroom already.

"I'll give this a look," Peridot said, turning over the pamphlet in her hand and pretending to study it. "Thanks."

The two stared awkwardly at each other for a moment, Peridot inexpressive, Pearl still wearing her forced librarian's smile. Only Steven, who was biting his lip and making an irritating humming noise, kept the conversation going.

"Well..." Pearl said, eyes darting nervously from Peridot to Steven. "I know from your checkouts that you like graphic novels and superheroes and things..."

"Yes."

"Well, I'm not super-interested in them, but I will read a comic book every now and then. Or, I guess you call it, a graphic novel. I really loved  _Persepolis_."

" _Persepolis_  is great," Peridot agreed, without any real enthusiasm.

Pearl sensed the conversation dying, and reached into her desk.

"Well, my friends and I have...I guess you could call it a book club," she said, nervously handing Peridot a small card. "We meet twice a week and discuss...well, we don't just talk about books. It's more of a way for us to hang out because sometimes it's hard to arrange schedules."

Peridot looked over the card, which featured cheesy clip art of a book with a few jewels on the cover and the phrase "The Crystal Gems" underneath in formal-looking font.

"Anyway...I mention it because one of my friends is a career counselor, and she might be able to help you look for work, or match you up with career opportunities."

Pearl was trying really hard to be friendly, yet stumbled over words and struggled to make eye contact with Peridot. She kept looking down, or over to Steven for reassurance that she's doing the right thing. And Peridot felt bad for her, being put on the spot like this.

"Anyway...we meet every other Tuesday at 8:00," Pearl continued. "Address is on the back. And you're more than welcome to join us..."

Peridot turned the card over again, then looked at Pearl, who seemed to be steeling herself for disappointment.

"Sure. Why not."

She said it without any real conviction or excitement, but it felt good to say. And to have the offer.

Why the hell not meet some new people? And what the hell _else_  was she gonna do besides rot in her bedroom and pine for Lapis?

It was worth a shot.

"Yay, book buddies!" Steven yelled. "Something tells me you two will get along great."

"Well, we both like...books?" Peridot offered, rubbing the back of her neck.

Pearl blushed and smiled, looking relieved.

"Well...our next meeting is next Tuesday," Pearl said. "I look forward to seeing you there."

"Wow, thanks," Peridot said, a lot more enthusiastically. "Umm, if I decide to join you, what is your reading?"

"Our reading?" Pearl seemed surprised for a moment.

"Yeah. If you're a book club, don't you have some book assigned?"

"Hmm? Oh yes, we're reading  _Big Little Lies_ ," Pearl said. "You know, the book they based that TV show on? It's not the highest of highbrow literature, but we all seem to like it..."

"Do you have a copy?" Peridot asked.

"Umm, I think all of our copies are checked out," Pearl said. She typed something into the computer and saw. "Yeah, both of our copies are checked out...But I think I have my copy if you'd like to borrow it."

Pearl handed her a paperback book, in astonishingly pristine condition. Upon closer inspection, Peridot saw that it was encased in a small sleeve of plastic.

Because of course it was.

"Thanks," Peridot said. "How far into it are you?"

"Well, I finished it weeks ago," Pearl said, a little too proud of herself. "But I think the assigned reading for this week is...um, to page 200. Think you can do that."

"In my sleep," Peridot bragged with a smirk. "You're talking to Jones Bluff's most accomplished speed reader."

"We'll see about that," Pearl said, a little defensively. The two women laughed at each other.

"Well, I'll see you around," Peridot said, walking back to her table.

"Great meeting you," Pearl said, now cheerful and looking a lot fresher and more enthusiastic than Peridot had ever seen her. Like someone had turned on a switch.

"See? Meeting someone new wasn't that hard, was it?" Steven offered.

Peridot thought about this, then looked at the book in her hand. Then back at Steven. And smiled.

"No, it wasn't."

* * *

Peridot spent the rest of the night reading. On the couch, on the toilet, in her bedroom. It seemed the least she could do for her future friends.

She managed to read half of  _Big Little Lies_  by the time she went to bed. It wasn't great or challenging literature, but it contained enough thematic content about abuse and violence and gender roles that it warranted discussion. Perfect book club material.

She was getting absorbed by the latest plot twist when she saw an email pop on her computer screen. Always an email or a text message at the least opportune time.

She opened it...and practically fell out of her chair.

* * *

Lapis came home exhausted from another day dealing with obnoxious coworkers. She sighed angrily and threw her bag down on her table, then collapsed like a sack into her chair.

She almost wished that she could spend her time in the stacks organizing books, far from her madding coworkers. She didn't even mind her customers so much, except for the strange ones, like the dude who wandered in one day to argue about why the Dewey Decimal System was superior to Library of Congress, a topic Lapis vehemently disagreed but didn't care enough to argue about. There was just so much backbiting at work to navigate around.

And Aquamarine was the cause of most of it.

Lapis didn't like Aquamarine from the start. She instantly struck Lapis as one of those girls who is too nice, too polite, too pretty, not to mention utterly full of themselves. The kind of girl Lapis called "preppy" in high school, and a "bitch" as an adult. The English accent didn't help, nor did her constant sucking up to superiors while tearing down colleagues.

Which struck Lapis as the reason why they were competing for a promotion. And today, she pushed just about all of Lapis's buttons.

"Lapis dear, your hair is getting all shaggy and unprofessional. Might do with a touch up so we don't have to see your roots."

"Lapis, I don't mean to be  _that_  girl, but didn't you wear that vest the other day? Maybe I could give you some wardrobe advice..."

"Lapis dear, did you stack the fiction books with the lit crit again? Semiotics is not a novel, it's **about**  novels. Unless your stacking them together is some sort of postmodern commentary on Derrida. How droll!"

"Lapis, are you sure you want to spend so much time checking your email? What if Emily sees? Won't help your chances for promotion, will it?"

"Lapis, still reading Elena Ferrante, I see? I finished those books  _ages_  ago! And they're not even  **that good**. I mean, she is no Alberto Moravia..."

And so on. Just about everything Lapis said or did earned some measure of criticism or reproach. And for whatever reason, today, she seemed especially on, a constant yapping of insults and passive-aggressive put downs laced with venom.

Then came lunch, when she parked herself uninvited next to Lapis and started blathering.

"I just talked with Emily, and she said they're starting interviews for the curator position next week."

"Uh-huh." Lapis pretended not to care, even though she really wanted that position.

"I hear it's down to you, me and Becca," Aquamarine said conspiratorially.

"Huh, wow," Lapis said, a little surprised. "Good luck, then, I guess."

"Yeah. I don't think it will be Becca, because she doesn't seem...I don't know, very good at organizational things. I mean, she has been with the library forever, and they do like to reward loyalty. But really, do you think they'd let someone like  **her**  take a promotion that important?"

"Someone like her?" Lapis asked. "What do you mean?"

"Someone who doesn't know what they're doing," Aquamarine said. "I mean, if it's between the three of us...clearly both of us are superior to her. In every way."

Lapis sighed and rolled her eyes. She knew that Aquamarine was playing some silly power game, trying to psych Lapis out.

And she just  _knew_  that the little bitch was saying the same things to Becca about her.

"Anyway...just thought you should know. I know it's gonna be one of us, and...no hard feelings whoever wins. Right?"

Lapis just glowered at Aquamarine, crumpling the latter's superior smile into a confused smirk. As the message finally sunk in, hostility boiled to the surface.

"Well, talk to you later, Lazuli," Aquamarine said, her voice suddenly laced with venom. Then she turned to leave, before adding:

"Oh, dear. One more piece of advice. Those shoes?  **Hideous**."

It took all of Lapis's self-control not to throw them at Aquamarine's head.

* * *

Lapis didn't want to think about Aquamarine, any more than she did Jasper or her parents or, frankly, Peridot. She just wanted to go home and let everything melt away. As hard as it was.

She kept thinking back to their last meeting, how close they seemed to pushing past friendship to something more. How willing and eager Lapis had been for it to it happen.

And then...nothing.

And she had reeled back and hated herself for it. Not really wanting to talk to Peridot about what had happened. Not wanting to be honest. Just wanting to forget.

Then she told herself that was even worse. Because she couldn't imagine her life without Peridot in it at this point.

 _Peridot is your friend, and that's important,_  Lapis insisted.  _Don't mess this up._

Tonight, she started preparing her inevitable bowl of cheap pasta and shitty tomato sauce when she saw the email from Peridot. She sighed loudly, not feeling in the mood for her dorkiness right now, until she saw the header promised big news.

Knowing Peridot, it was probably an early release of some obscure manga that Lapis never heard of. Or possibly she tripped and broke her glasses. But it made her curious enough to open it.

_Lazuli,_

_I wanted you to be the first to know that Eastern Entertainment contacted me today. They're planning to publish my CPH article in their upcoming summer issue! And not only that, they're gonna pay me $50 for it._

_Thanks for your encouragement. Despite our inconsolable differences on the character of Paulette, your positive attitude towards my writing ensured that I took a chance and submitted it. Now I can finally claim to be a professional writer. And it's because of you!_

_Regards,_

_Peridot_

Lapis smiled and cheered out loud. Suddenly her day seemed a lot happier because her friend accomplished something.

_Peridot,_

_Thanks for letting me know! That's awesome! You'll have to let me read it, or let me know_  when the magazine hits the stands.

_Things are kinda hectic at work lately...I'll tell you about it soon. I look forward to our next conversation. And hey, let me know the next time you can make it to Capital City. We need to celebrate._

_Lapis_

So they were on the clock again, counting down until the next time they would meet. Waiting to eat dinner and play silly games and be dorks together.

And Lapis didn't mind at all. Because Peridot was somebody worth waiting for.

 _But,_ she reminded herself... _we're friends._

_Just friends._


	8. The Trial

Every time Lapis had an interview, she prepared for it like it was her execution.

Consider her wardrobe. In place of her usually casual dress, today she wore a relatively formal outfit, a light blue dress shirt with a tie and a dark blue skirt, complemented by a necklace with her namesake gem. Her hair was freshly cut and perfumed; might as well go all out for a job interview.

Whenever an opportunity presented itself, Lapis tried to keep her expectations measured. Better to assume a good thing  **won't**  happen, and be pleasantly surprised, than to get your hopes up and be disappointed.

Because Lapis, more often than not, was crushed rather than disappointed. Defeated.

 _It'S only $12,000 extra a year,_  Lapis reminded herself as she walked down the hallway, smiling nervously.  _And a chance to do a serious, relatively stress-free job._   _No big deal._

Even her internal monologues were sarcastic, when they weren't self-effacing.

"Lapis, dear!"

She heard a chirpily familiar voice. Looked down, and saw Aquamarine walking up to her.

"Oh, hey," Lapis said, not able to muster her nemesis's name.

"On your way to your interview, Lapis?" Aquamarine asked, chipper as ever.

"Yes, I am," Lapis said, pointedly polite while avoiding eye contact or any sign of comradeship.

"Just got out of there," Aquamarine replied, gesturing towards the room. "Thought it went pretty well, considering the kind of person Holly is, but you never know until afterwards. _Especially_  when you're up against such stiff competition."

 _You're so fake, you little bitch_ , Lapis thought, despising Aquamarine.

"Well, maybe," she said noncommittally.

Aquamarine smiled broadly, practically  _batting_  her eyes at Lapis. "I mean I'm a relative newcomer in the library world and you've been working your arse off since you were in undergrad. I'd say you have the leg up."

Lapis nodded, not falling for her flattery, resisting the urge to kick the little woman across the room.

"That, and you must be an old hand at the interview game by now."

"Meh, I've gotten jobs before," Lapis said.

"Oh come now, don't be modest. You must be an ace."

"Not really."

"Given your experience, I'm sure you have **something**  special up your sleeve."

"We'll see," Lapis said, hoping the little gremlin would leave her be.

She didn't.

"I certainly wish you the best of luck," Aquamarine said with another smile. She offered Lapis her hand.

Lapis shot the little brunette the most forced, strained smile in the history of the human race. And shook her hand coldly, loosely, with all the firmness of a paraplegic fish.

"Thanks, you too," she muttered through clenched teeth.

Finally, Aquamarine brushed past her. A smirk and a appearing on her face before Lapis could truly register them. Letting her guard down just enough to let on that things weren't entirely right.

 _"I'm sure you have something special up your sleeve."_  Aquamarine's words replayed in Lapis's mind, now as a taunt or a warning.

 _Don't let that little bitch get into your head,_  Lapis told herself.  _She just wants you to think that she's up to something. Get you nervous._

Finally, Lapis stopped outside the door, standing stock still for a long moment. She closed her eyes, taking a few deep breaths.

The challenge of someone else tearing her down finally allowed her to get into the right mindset. Sort of.

 _Go for it, Lapis,_  she told herself.  _Prove Aquamarine wrong, so you can laugh in her smug little face. Prove yourself wrong, so you can look in the mirror and not see a failure._

_Because you **aren't**  a failure. You've worked too hard, prepared too much for this job to fail._

_You've got this._

_You've got this._

She opened her eyes, pushed a stray lock of hair out of her eyes. She pulled out her phone, and scrolled up a text message from this morning:

_Lapis - your big day! You've got this. Remember that you're awesome. - Peridot_

_I've got this,_  Lapis affirmed again.

She smiled briefly at her friend's words. At the reminder that at least someone believed in her.

She turned towards the door. Pushed down the butterflies raging in her stomach. And knocked.

* * *

Holly Blue Agate's office was sparse, with only a large desk, a single chair. No photos adorned her desk, and there were only two bland works of art on the wall, along with a diploma. Her bookshelf contained a few perfunctory volumes, academic works more for show than .

She wore her graying blonde hair in two buns, a plump, matronly figure in a dark suit and pearl necklace. She looked like Princess Leah and Nurse Ratched's mean aunt.

She wasn't mean, exactly, but she was strict and humorless. And she flashed Lapis only the most cursory of smiles as she greeted her. They began with some basic questions about the position and why Lapis wanted the job, which she handled easily.

"Lapis, I'm well acquainted with you and your record here," Holly said officiously, sitting heavily in her desk. "And your education - quite impressive. Undergraduate degree in English with a minor in Fashion Design. Masters in Library Science. Three years of library work in undergrad, three years in grad school, two years post-grad. You've certainly devoted a large chunk of your life to the library world, which is highly admirable."

"Thank you."

Lapis's mouth went dry, and her legs shifted unconsciously. She bit her lip and blinked rapidly, as she often did when she became agitated. She hoped that her interviewer wouldn't pick up on her nervousness.

"There's no question that your credentials are impeccable," Holly said. "And by your supervisor's account, you are a hard and studious worker."

"Well, I'm glad to hear it."

"Still, there are some...intangibles we like to consider in this position. Things beyond paper qualifications."

Lapis's heart dropped in her chest. Her mouth instantly went dry.

"What sort of intangibles do you mean?" Lapis said, shifting heavily in her chair. This approach took her completely by surprise.

Holly opened a desk drawer. Any trace of friendliness vanished, her face suddenly rigid and hostile. She pulled out a notepad and started taking notes.

"Do you have any hobbies outside of work?" she asked.

"Umm, not really," Lapis said. "Nothing major."

"Major? What do you consider major?"

"I read a lot."

"Interesting. What do you read?"

"Books."

"Books?"

"Mostly literature, some books on politics and feminist theory. Guess I watch TV and movies, like everyone else."

"That's good. It's nice to have interests...outside of work."

An uncertain pause, as if Holly expected Lapis to say more. But she didn't. She didn't even know  **what**  to say.

 _Where is she going with this?_  Lapis wondered.  _What does this matter? Is she even allowed to ask these questions?_

"You like to draw, yes?" Holly asked finally.

Lapis became even more confused. "Yeah?"

"Doodles and things?"

"Sure."

"One of your coworkers told me that you're quite the doodle bug."

_That little **bitch**._

"You draw caricatures of coworkers and patrons and things and show them to your friends."

"That's...I wouldn't consider them caricatures. That I'm implies I'm making fun of them."

"You just draw them for fun, I suppose."

"Yeah."

"When do you do these drawings?"

"Whenever I'm bored or, you know, have free time."

Lapis winced as she registered the words she'd unwittingly blurted out. Feeling Holly's disapproving glare, and averting her eyes. Hearing her scribble comments on her notepad.

 _Admitting that you're bored at work in an interview,_  she thought.  _Smooth._

And she wondered if that wasn't the point of this whole line of questioning. Though she still couldn't quite figure out  **why**.

"How often  _do_  you have free time in your current position?" Holly challenged.

"Not often," Lapis clarified. "I mean, there are lulls sometimes in mid-afternoon...fewer people coming in, so we have to do clerical work, shelving books, things like that. Which is fine."

Lapis heard her voice growing more nervous and desperate. The interview had already gotten away from her, and dread surged up and down her body.

Her stomach lurched, the butterflies turning to anvils.

"And yet you make time for drawings."

Lapis felt like she'd been slapped. She let the question hang there unanswered for a moment. Her mouth may have been agape, judging by Holly's irritated response.

Her hope crumbled. She knew that she'd already lost any chance of getting the job by this point. She wondered what boundaries of cordiality restrained her from losing her current position.

But at this point, she didn't care. She felt like she'd walked into a trap and lashing out was all she knew how to do.

"With all due respect, ma'am, what does that matter?"

Now it was Holly's turn to look shocked. Her officious glower turned angry and hateful in an instant. It chilled Lapis, but she decided to press on.

"How is my doodling at all germane to being a curator? I honestly don't understand why you're asking me these questions."

"The curator's department wishes to keep as professional an environment as possible," Holly said. "We would prefer if our employees focused on their work instead of engaging in frivolous, potentially hurtful activities."

"Hurtful? Are you kidding me?"

"Ms. Lazuli," Holly said, dropping her familiar address. "Watch your tone with me. And yes, I think if you're drawing little doodles of everyone, they can be "

"They're just doodles," Lapis insisted, her voice growing high and shrill. "They aren't meant to offend anyone."

"Hmm. Not from what I've heard."

Lapis's head spun. Her heart raced with fear. Her stomach felt ready to burst.

"What do you mean, heard?" Lapis choked out. "Heard from whom?"

"That's unimportant."

_What was happening here?_

It was like a nightmare.

"If it's unimportant..." Lapis began.

But couldn't finish the sentence. She barely managed to keep herself together. She took a few deep breaths, which helped her a little bit.

Was there any way she could emerge from here without her dignity? She tried to puzzle out a way.

But the game was clearly rigged. This interview served no purpose. It was just a way to humiliate her.

She heard Holly's voice, but didn't hear the words. But she did see that she'd produced three pieces of scratch paper, unfolding them and laying them out on her desk.

Lapis gasped in shock as she recognized.

Her doodles. Each slightly crinkled, the ink a bit smeared from rough handling. But they were unmistakably hers.

"Oh my God," Lapis muttered out loud, examining them.

Two pictures of her current supervisor, one mocking his oversized chin, the other showing the outline of an erection as he leered at a buxom customer.

And the third one was of a particularly rude and crude customer who had harassed one of Lapis's friends one day. And who Lapis had angrily told off. She had paid him back artistically by rendering him as a sweaty, inarticulate caveman menacing the librarians with a club.

"Would you mind looking these over and telling me that they're harmless?"

Lapis didn't even know what to say about this. Or where, and how she might have gotten them.

The third one had been drawn for the benefit of her coworkers, and surely offended no one. Certainly not the customer, who never returned to the library.

But the first two were indeed crude and mean and she could, at least, understand why someone (at least her target) might take offense. They were intended to offend, being born of frustration for a rough day and a boss acting obnoxiously towards her and other colleagues. And probably stupid to draw them at work, anyway.

But still. She had drawn them _for herself_ , in a moment of pique, and thrown them away without showing anyone. Harmless, she'd thought, since she drew them for herself and never showed them to anyone else. A mean but harmless form of catharsis. Like writing curse words or fantasies in a diary intended for her eyes only.

So she'd crumpled them up and thrown them away, where no one should have been able to see them.

Which means...

 _Someone_  had to retrieve them from her trash bin.

And she had a sinking feeling that she knew who that was.

"Is this what you think of your current supervisor? Or your customers, for that matter? Do you think these are _appropriate_  attitudes for a library employee to have?"

Lapis didn't really care what Holly said at this point. It was all officious nonsense anyway. She could be ranting in Slovenian for all it mattered.

But she was starting to feel anger and outrage. And the contours of revenge.

Which didn't stop her stomach from doing flip flops. Especially when she caught Holly's next threat.

"Ms. Lazuli, I wonder what would happen if I reported these drawings to your current supervisor."

"Are you...are you threatening me?" Lapis asked.

"I'm merely advising you that this sort of thing..."

"So, it's a threat," Lapis interrupted. "At least be honest with me."

"Ms. Lazuli..."

"Why did you even invite me here?" Lapis said. She bolted to her feet and stood over the desk. She swept the doodles away and crumpled them in her hands, throwing them dramatically onto the floor.

Holly didn't even act shock. Instead her face showed grim satisfaction, as if she'd been expecting this all along.

"This whole thing...it's some kind of set up," Lapis sputtered, feeling helpless. "Why didn't you tell me about this before now? If you really cared about it...if this really bothered you...why not go through my supervisor? Why drag me to a prescheduled interview and go through with the interview and..."

She was shouting, which made her dizzy, which exacerbated her stomach and made her fell faint. She lurched forward, dizzy, steadying herself on the desk, feeling waves of anxiety and nausea rushing through her stomach.

For the first time, Holly's face showed shock instead of anger or calculation. And concern, or at least pity, for Lapis completely losing control. Not that it mattered, at this point.

Lapis realized she wouldn't receive an honest answer to her questions. She realized she'd been trapped. And that now, her current job might well be in jeopardy.

She just had to figure out how this had happened. And  **why.**

Why it wasn't enough for Aquamarine merely to sabotage her interview, but to try and destroy her career. Her life. And why Holly would go along with it.

As Holly moved towards her, her voice suddenly tinged with concern, Lapis thought of Aquamarine, and that fake, monstrous smile she'd given just before the interview. And that brief glance of daemonic calculation she'd spotted moments later.

Then, being the nerd she was, Lapis conjured a literary quote:

_"Someone must have slandered Josef K., for one morning, without having done anything truly wrong, he was arrested."_

Then she remembered Peridot, and her words, and how much they'd comforted her. And how false they suddenly seemed.

Then she vomited all over Holly's desk.


	9. Connections

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it seems like the last chapter really hit a nerve with my readers. Sorry for any upset or trauma it caused, and I appreciate your sticking through a story that's turning out a lot less light and fluffy than I'd originally intended.
> 
> Warning: suicidal ideation and self-loathing. Also, spoilers for the book/series "Big Little Lies" if you haven't read/seen it.

Pearl told Peridot to arrive around 7:00. But because Peridot couldn't be on time for anything, and decided to walk to Pearl's apartment, and because it was such a nice spring evening that Peridot had to linger outside, she didn't arrive until a quarter after.

"Peridot, so glad you could make it!" Pearl greeted her, her hair fashioned into a stylish finger wave. "I have to admit I was a little worried...did you remember the address?"

"Yeah, I just...got held up," Peridot lied, figuring her new friend wouldn't hold it against her.

"Yes. Well, sometimes it happens," Pearl said, hiding her displeasure with a strained smile. "Did you bring the book?"

"Uh, yeah." Peridot held up Pearl's book, and she snatched it a way.

 _Just a **bit**  rude,_ Peridot thought, watching Pearl examine the cover for any tears or creases.

"Wonderful. Please come in."

Peridot sighed and entered the apartment.

Pearl's place seemed less like an apartment than a house. It was one big room, with a series of chairs and a couch in the middle; a table with snacks and refreshments sat in between them. Peridot spotted a nearly-made, Queen-sized bed hiding in the far corner. There was a somewhat drab, tidy decor, with a pleasant citrus smell in the air.

Peridot couldn't help noticing that Pearl didn't have a television. Only a laptop. Which struck her as profoundly strange.

"I share this building with my friends here," Pearl explained, gesturing to two other young women sitting nearby. "Only their rooms are upstairs."

"Hey P, you gonna introduce us or what?" one of Pearl's friends, a heavyset woman in a dark purple sweatshirt, asked. "Did you find another nerd to stack your book club?"

"Of course I'll introduce you," Pearl said, sounding a little irritated. "This is Peridot Forster. Peridot, these are my friends Amethyst Marquez and Garnet Wakely."

"This is the Jones Bluff Book Club?" Peridot asked.

"Technically, we call ourselves the Crystal Gems," Pearl reminded her. "But, we won't be offended if..."

"Nice to meet you," Garnet greeted Peridot, shaking her hand. She was a tall black woman in a red-and-black top with long, dark jeans.

"Hey," Amethyst said, waving from the couch. She quickly rubbed the palm of her hand on her pants, then offered it. Peridot hesitated for a long moment before shaking.

"Don't mind me, I'm just here for the food," she said, examining a peanut butter cookie on a plate before shoving it in her mouth.

"Well, I  _do_  make pretty decent cookies," Pearl admitted, though her face evinced irritation.

"Not as good as your pie," Garnet said.

"Well, the pie's only for special occasions," Pearl said. Then looked at Peridot and blushed.

"Not that, um, a new member isn't a special occasion!" she apologized. "Just, I mean, a holiday or something..."

"Pearl, you don't need to get flustered over every little thing," Amethyst said.

"I'm quite fine without pie," Peridot assured her. "It looks like there's a pretty decent spread without it."

"Don't forget the vino," Amethyst said, reaching for a bottle of wine. "Looks like you need it today, P."

"No wine until we've finished our discussion," Pearl chided, pulling it away from her. "Not that it isn't worth waiting for...I bought a nice Apothic Red...very classy vintage."

" _Very_  classy," Amethyst teased. "So classy you can buy a bottle for $10 at Wal-Mart."

"Classy  **and**  economical," Pearl insisted, coddling the wine like a baby before placing it out of Amethyst's reach. Amethyst snickered at Pearl's fussiness, and Garnet rolled her eyes.

Peridot looked at each woman, their personalities disparate yet bizarrely complementing each other. She still felt a little nervous - she was terrible at small talk, especially with people she'd just met.

So she sat down at one of the chairs. Then she did ask the obvious question:

"So, why do you guys call yourselves the Crystal Gems?"

"Uhh, isn't it obvious?" Amethyst demanded. "The names. We're all named after precious gem stones, so...Ha, Peridot. I didn't even realize that until now! Pearl, you sure know how to pick 'em."

"Technically, it was Steven who brought her to me," Pearl clarified.

"Aww, next time I see that little brat and I'll give him a noogie for his trouble."

"I hope you won't noogie him," Peridot said. "He's a good kid."

"He doesn't mind," Amethyst insisted. "He even joins us some nights...though I guess his dad has him busy with something serious."

Remembering their library conversation, Peridot shuddered to think what that might be.

"So, what do you for a living, Peridot?" Amethyst asked. "Is it Peri **dot** , or Peri-doh?"

"Peridot," she clarified.

"Hmm. I always thought it was Peri-doh."

"Well, it's not." Then she realized she hadn't answered the initial question.

"I'm, uh, kinda between jobs right now," she said, flushing with shame. "It's...a long story."

"That's cool," Amethyst assured her. "We've all been there. Heck, I still work part-time jobs for the most part. Nothing to be ashamed of."

"Yes," Pearl agreed. "It took me some time to find full-time work once I graduated college...of course, I would have liked a job in a bigger town than this, but beggars can't be choosers."

"And if you hadn't," Amethyst reminded her, "you never would have met us."

"That's true, as well," Pearl agreed.

"Well, if you need help looking for work," Garnet offered, "I work as a career counselor. We can talk off the clock if you want, but maybe it's best if you come to my office for a formal appointment. I can squeeze you in tomorrow afternoon, if you're free."

"I think Pearl mentioned that," Peridot said, with a smile, as grateful for the offer as she was surprised how easily she joined the conversation. And more than anything, the evident lack of judgment meant a lot to her.

"Thanks."

* * *

After some more small talk and argument over snacks and drinks, Pearl tried steering discussion towards the book.

"Well, last time I prepared discussion questions," she said, holding up a few note cards, which caused Amethyst to groan and Garnet to smirk. Pearl frowned.

"Of course, that didn't go over so well. So maybe we could just talk about what we thought of the chapters we read?"

"A little silly, but I like it," Garnet read. "I mean, it's a potboiler disguised as chick lit. I guess that's okay for light reading."

"I'm sorry we aren't reading Ta Nehisi Coates or anything," Amethyst moaned. "We told you...no politics allowed here. This is a stress-free zone."

Garnet chuckled. "Why do you assume I want something political?"

"I'm just razzing you, G," Amethyst insisted. "Maybe we could read a Toni Morrison novel again..."

"Well, you asked me what I thought, and I told you," Garnet said patiently. Her tone suggested her comfort with Amethyst's teasing.

"Personally, I think the prose could be a little better," Pearl interrupted. "But I do think the way Liane Moriarty draws the characters and their predicaments is very vivid and relateable."

"I guess," Amethyst said. "She certainly makes me hate that Perry prick."

"Perry is a colossal ass," Garnet agreed. "Everything wrong with the patriarchy and male privilege in one slimy package."

" **And**  he's white," Amethyst interrupted.

"So is everyone else," Garnet replied coolly, still not taking the bait.

"You don't feel he's a little over-the-top?" Pearl asked.

"Meh, maybe," Amethyst said. "I've dated guys like him before in real life, so...I know the type."

"If you think he's over the top," Garnet added, "take a look at...sorry, no politics. Let's just say...I have no problem believing that a rich banker could also be a manipulative sleaze."

"I suppose you're right," Pearl admitted. "Of course, that's such an easy way of villainizing him..."

"Sometimes villains aren't all that complicated in real life," Garnet said. "Quite a few people are exactly what they appear to be."

"That might be," Pearl said. "But don't you feel a novelist has a responsibility to draw out the deeper truths to explain a person's mindsets or actions?"

"Oh God," Amethyst rolled her eyes. "Here we go."

"I think novels should be more a reflection of reality," Garnet said. "And some people aren't complex."

"Don't read much science fiction, huh?" Amethyst asked.

"Nope."

"I just think if we're gonna spend so much time with a character..." Pearl continued.

"P, I don't know what you're getting at," Amethyst interrupted. "One, the story's not told from his perspective, so who cares? His wife who he's treating like shit's not gonna have the best opinion of him. Two, he gets what's coming to him, and that's what matters here."

"Umm...what?" Pearl asked.

"Yeah, there's this big confrontation at the end and Bonnie pushes him off a balcony. I mean, that seems a bit nice for that bastard..."

There was a silence. Garnet seemed mildly perturbed, but said nothing. Peridot facepalmed, embarrassed.

"How could you spoil the story for us!?" Pearl raged, suddenly flustered and angry. "Some of us are only halfway through the book..."

"Not cool," Garnet agreed, shaking her head. Though she didn't seem nearly so upset as Pearl, who looked ready to explode.

"I mean, I've already  _seen_  the miniseries," Amethyst insisted, crossing her arms. "We all know how it turns out. Don't need to read the book to..."

"Well,  ***I***  didn't!" Pearl yelled.

"I mean, what's the big deal? The ending's pretty obvious, isn't it?" Amethyst argued.

"Why would you think it's obvious?" Pearl asked. "There's so many ways a story like this could go, and you..."

Now Garnet put a hand on her friend's shoulder, seeking to calm her down. Peridot smirked, amused at how easily Pearl became worked up over something so silly.

"Sometimes murder is the only way to resolve a story," Amethyst argued. "Plus, that douchebag Perry totally deserves it."

"I don't disagree about murder," Garnet said. "As a reader, anyway." A sly grin crept on her face, and she winked at Pearl. Amethyst smiled and shoved a cracker into her mouth, chewing it noisily.

Peridot just watched their argument unfold, bewildered and a little amused. It seemed like these three were always fighting about something, but always in jest and never intending to offend. She envied their easy camaraderie and friendship.

The strangest thing about it was that she didn't care having the book spoiled...it wasn't a great work of literature anyway, and she could have guessed that plot twist on her own.

What surprised her, though, was how easily she fit in with everyone else. How non-anxious and comfortable she felt, for a change.

Then again, they were too busy arguing with each other to really notice Peridot.

"So, besides having the ending spoiled for you," Pearl began, still glaring at Amethyst (who flipped her the bird in response), "what did you think, Peridot?"

"What? Oh, the book. It's all right." Peridot said flippantly.

The threesome stared at her, as if waiting for more. Peridot felt uncomfortable, then sighed and began one of her trademark monologues.

"Well...I feel like the book's characterization is a little broad and obvious, and the prose is...workmanlike. Or work-woman-like, if you wish to be politically incorrect. Not that I'm a particular connoisseur of literature compared to, say, television or graphic novels or other mediums. Still, I do like that the novel addresses uncomfortable themes like abuse and spousal rape within a context where it's more likely to reach more people than, say, a so-called 'serious' work of literature read only by a few critics and serious readers."

Garnet looked amazed, her mouth agape. Pearl just stared. And Amethyst began a slow clap, relishing her own sarcasm.

"Pearl, you are no longer the biggest nerd here," Amethyst teased. "Our Perry here just stole that title away."

Peridot blushed and smiled.

"Well, being the biggest nerd in _this_  room is quite an accomplishment," she said, making an attempt at banter.

To her delight, Amethyst fell off her chair, convulsed by a heavy belly laugh. Pearl looked mortified, while Garnet struggled to keep from laughing herself.

"Peridot, you're gonna fit in just fine," Garnet assured her.

Peridot barely noticed her phone vibrating. She looked down and saw the number...

Lapis.

 _Probably wants to tell me about her job interview,_  Peridot thought. And she couldn't wait to tell her about tonight.

But she looked around at her new friends and decided against it.

 _I'll call her back when I'm done here,_  Peridot told herself.

She turned off her phone, then grabbed a cookie off Pearl's plate as Amethyst climbed back into her chair.

"Well, I suppose the book discussion's finished for tonight," Pearl said huffily. "So, I guess now we can get to the good part."

"All right, time to get hammered," Amethyst said, rubbing her hands together.

"If you get hammered on cheap wine, there's something wrong with you," Garnet chided.

"Fine, tipsy. Whatever. Pearl, let me at it."

Pearl ignored her and poured some wine into her glasses. "Peridot, you want some?"

"Oh, I don't really..." Peridot prepared to refuse, then noticed the expectant looks on their face. No way she couldn't cave into genteel peer pressure.

"What the hell? Live a little, right?" Peridot said out loud.

"Attagirl," Amethyst said, thrusting a glass into Peridot's hand and splashing some wine onto her shirt. She ineffectually dabbed at it with a napkin.

"Let's drink a toast before we start," Pearl offered.

"Man, you can even make drinking Wal-Mart wine seem lame," Amethyst groaned.

Pearl pretended to ignore her. "A toast to our group and our books and our wine. And most of all, to our new friend Peridot."

"Welcome to the group, Peridot," Garnet said.

"I have a toast," Amethyst offered. "To spoilers!"

"Ugh." Pearl rolled her eyes.

"To spoilers," Garnet said, clinking their glass.

"I'll drink to that," Peridot added cautiously. She looked around the room at the three women, each roughly her age, each enjoying each other's company despite getting on each others' nerves, and smiled. Suddenly, she felt warmth in her chest.

"I don't have a formal toast," she said, standing up. "But, I've decided that you ladies are a...unique group of women and I'd be pleased to call you friends. I hope this is the first of many fun nights with your club...with the Crystal Gems."

"Hear hear," Garnet said.

"We're happy to have you, Peridot," Pearl added with a smile.

"Aww Perry, that's beautiful," Amethyst said - then blew a raspberry right in Peridot's ear. "But you're still a nerd."

"I'll work that into my next toast," she grumbled. But deep down.

* * *

"Come on, Peridot, pick up.  **Please**."

The phone rang for what seemed like an eternity. Lapis felt sadder and more desperate and more alone for every second.

"Hello, you have reached The Great and Lovable Peridot. Please leave..."

"Dammit!" Lapis disconnected the call and slammed her cellphone on the kitchen table.

The whole day, somehow, grew even worse after she literally spilled her guts all over Holly Blue Agate's desk. She ignored the horrified manager's efforts to comfort her and summon help, storming out of the office with her head spinning, her body weak, no thought or goal beyond escaping.

She left work without telling her supervisors or her colleagues where she was headed. She couldn't bear to face them. And why bother? It's not like they'd stick up for her, anyway. Especially if they saw the drawings. 

So what if she got fired? She didn't care any more. Her life was already ruined. 

It took all the effort she had not to collapse in the street of exhaustion and despair. And her mind raced, trying to make sense of what happened.

Probably no job, now.

Her first instinct was to murder Aquamarine, and devious, fevered plans flashed through her mind throughout the bus ride home. But realized, like all rational humans, that the consequences of homicide outweighed the benefits.

Instead, she settled on self-loathing. Which offered a much safer target, and arguably a more deserving one.

 _If I hadn't drawn those stupid doodles at work..._  Lapis thought.  _I should have known Aquamarine would try something like this! She's the world's most colossal cunt! And I gave her perfect ammunition._

She couldn't help scolding herself. And it allowed the darkest thoughts to take over.

 _Of course I would do that,_  Lapis thought.  _Because I'm a failure. That's just the way I am._

_It's not Aquamarine or Holly or Peridot or anyone...It's me._

_It's always **me**._

And as she redirected her anger towards herself, the thoughts came back. More vivid and terrifying than they'd been in months.

She pictured herself walking into traffic. Jumping out a window. Pills. Razor. Hanging.

Anything but a gun. She hated guns and didn't know how to use one anyway.

It took all her will power to tamp these feelings down. It would have been so easy to give in and have done with her miserable life.

Instead, she reached out for a lifeline. She grabbed her phone, tried dialing Peridot again, and the call went to voicemail without even a dial tone.

"Fuck!" she shouted. She restrained herself from throwing the phone across the room, from losing it completely.

She was too depressed to cry. And now she was determined not to give up.

Even if the cost was...

Her hand trembled as she scrolled up her contacts list, staring for a long moment:

**JASPER.**

She thought about calling someone else, or trying Peridot again. Anything would be better than  **her**.

Well, anything except...

No. She wouldn't let those thoughts swallow her again.

She instinctively pressed dial, wincing as the call went through. She spoke to Jasper blankly, unemotionally. Like she was in a trance, being compelled by some force other than free will to invite her over.

Maybe she was.

"Hi, yeah, it's me. Look, I'm sorry I haven't been in touch...It's been kinda crazy, you know...Listen, I...kinda need you to come over...I'll explain why when you get here, okay...Okay. Thanks so much."

Lapis sighed, disgusted at herself as she hung up the phone. She sank into a chair in her kitchen and hugged herself, rocking back and forth, trying to stabilize herself.

Getting back in touch with Jasper...starting everything up again just as it seemed to be improving was the last thing she wanted to do.

Only things  **weren't**  improving anymore...

 _At least I won't hurt myself,_  Lapis told herself, though that thought gave her no particular comfort. So she focused on the next best thing...

At least she wouldn't be alone.


	10. Together

**May**

On May 2nd, they met for the third month in a row, this time at an open air coffee place a few blocks from Lapis's apartment. The air was thick with humidity, with the promise of a spring shower in the near-future.

By now, meeting like this seemed routine, yet today it felt...different.

Peridot indulged in a thick yogurt smoothie; not remotely _healthy_ , of course, but delicious and filling, and a nice tonic against the hot weather. Lapis sipped furtively at a glass of orange-flavored tea, seeming distant, distracted and hostile.

They exchanged pleasantries and routine small talk. Peridot was enthused by her new friends in Jones Bluff, and couldn't stop talking about their jovial dorkishness. But Lapis didn't seem remotely interested.

"So, it's a book club," Lapis said, flatly. In a voice seemingly designed to deflate every tremor of joy within Peridot.

"Well, yeah!" Peridot said, trying to project her excitement. "It's a stupendous. Who would have thought that I'd ever find three reasonably like-minded individuals in Jones Bluff?"

"Hmm. Who would have thought that you'd read actual  _books_?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean, graphic novels are your thing, right? Not, you know, novel novels?"

"Is that a dig?" Peridot asked, cocking an eyebrow. "Because I'll have you know that graphic novels..."

"No, not exactly..." Lapis interrupted, looking distractedly out the window. "I'm...happy for you. Really."

The hollowness of her comment struck Peridot through. She didn't know what to say.

A long, awkward minute passed without any further words. Peridot groaned uncomfortably, then decided to segue into another topic.

"So, I have another job interview coming up this week."

"Oh yeah?" Lapis's distracted tone indicated that she couldn't care less.

And that hurt. But Peridot pressed onward.

"Yeah. Garnet says there's a tech company in Beach City looking for communications specialists. Now, I didn't major in communications, but considering my background in writing, she thinks it's worth a shot."

"Beach City, huh? That would be cool."

"Better than Jones Bluff," Peridot said, smiling. "I mean, it's not much of a town, but living on the seashore would have its advantages."

"Definitely."

"Maybe you could even come visit  **me**  sometime."

"Hmm."

This wasn't working. Lapis still seemed glum and detached. And maybe a little resentful. Behind her smile, Peridot's eyes darted back and forth, visibly puzzling out how to proceed from here.

_Stop talking about yourself, clod._

"Well, I'm...sorry for what happened to you at work," Peridot said, reaching out and grabbing Lapis's hand. "That was...so rotten. I can't believe people could be so mean to someone."

"Meh, that's just how it is with me," Lapis muttered, pretending she was fascinated by an older couple walking down the street, bickering about something asinine. She didn't even react to Peridot's touching her.

"Well, that's not how it  **should**  be," Peridot said, slowly withdrawing her hand.

"Life is awful," Lapis said, with a finality born of heavy experience. "That's just how it is. Every time you think all the pieces are back together..."

And she smashed her palm flat on the table, causing Peridot to jump from her seat.

"I thought you liked your job," Peridot ventured.

"I  _did_ ," Lapis said. "Liked is past tense, Perry. I guess that didn't last."

"Sorry," Peridot shrugged helplessly. "Any new prospects?"

"No."

"Any interviews?"

Lapis just scoffed.

"So fatalistic," Peridot chided, still trying to lighten the tone.

"Well, it's not like I have much to be happy for," Lapis grumbled, swishing her tea around.

Finally, Peridot frowned. She felt a twinge of discomfort. A heavy drop of sweat fell down her forehead. She wiped it and hurriedly took a sip of her drink to cool down.

Her friend was right, of course; she had every reason to be upset, considering what had happened to her. But Lapis's pervasive pessimism was starting to wear her down. So Peridot groaned again and asked.

"Maybe...you could try being happy for  _me_."

Lapis shot her a cold glare. Peridot nearly gagged on a thick gulp of smoothie as she realized, belatedly, how selfish she'd sounded.

Then it started to rain.

* * *

Part of Peridot didn't want to follow Lapis back to her place. Considering how their conversation had gone, she wondered why Lapis even invited her.

Tradition? Routine? Self-flagellation? Maybe Lapis planned to murder her and dissect her body for science? Or at least steal her kidneys and sell them on the Internet?

Peridot's dread grew more paranoid as they approached the apartment.

Okay, those extremes weren't likely, and how valuable could Peridot's kidneys  **be** , any way? But still...Lapis was mad at her. Or at least, not happy to see her.

Yet that didn't make any sense to Peridot. Their meetings were pretty much the highlights of Peridot's life, any more. And she'd thought Lapis felt the same way...especially after their last night together.

Also, because she and Lapis had only spoken a few times since their last meeting. Maybe Lapis was just depressed over losing her job...or more the  **manner**  of losing her job. Something like that would be hard to just get over.

But what did Peridot have to do with that? Nothing. She hadn't even found out about it for a few days afterwards.

Well, maybe _that_  was why. And the realization weighted down Peridot's stomach like a rock.

As they entered the apartment, Lapis bore a weary, resigned look on her face, as if she didn't have a choice but to invite Peridot in.

And that hurt, more than anything else Lapis had said or done so far.

"Want anything to drink?" Lapis asked.

"No thanks," Peridot said, sitting on the chair.

"Well..." Lapis didn't bother to finish the thought, and sat down next to her. There was silence and tension, both of them playing a game neither seemed interested in.

Finally, Peridot broke the silence:

"So...what are we doing?"

"I don't know," Lapis shrugged. "Isn't this enough?"

"Just...sitting here, ignoring each other?"

"Well...Do you have any better ideas?" Lapis challenged, flashing her an angry look. "I mean, I'm not really in the mood for fun tonight."

"Then why did you invite me over in the first place?" Peridot snapped.

"We arranged this date so long ago..." Lapis said, her voice cracking in disbelief at herself.

"Well, if you didn't want to see me, you could have just asked to cancel or reschedule," Peridot huffed. "I mean, I'm your friend. I know you've been going through some rough things..."

"No, you  **don't**  know," Lapis replied. "You think I'm some kinda wonder woman who's always happy and successful..."

"That's not true."

"Then why do you act like everything's  **okay**!?"

Lapis didn't mean to shout, but the last word came out way louder than she intended. She was on her feet, trembling with rage, whether at Peridot or herself, her friend couldn't tell.

"What did I do?" Peridot wailed, waving her arms. Lapis recoiled from her in surprise.

"Look, I'm sorry for...whatever it is I did. I know that you've been through a rough patch, and that you can't help taking out your anger on someone. But why me?"

Peridot stood up and faced Lapis, then put a hand on her shoulder.

"Look...I'm trying to help. I'm your friend, Lazuli. I want you to feel better. I want to understand. Really! So, tell me. What did  ***I***  do that's so wrong?"

Lapis fixed Peridot with a hateful glower, then violently pushed her arm away. Then she exploded in uncomprehending anger:

_**"You weren't there!"** _

And then ran into the bedroom and slammed the door behind her. Peridot followed after her, and heard the door lock and the air conditioner hum to life.

Then she sat back down in the chair, crumpling into a sad, confused lump.

* * *

Lapis buried her head in her pillow and screamed at the top of her lungs. Then she punched the bedspread, again and again, hoping that Peridot couldn't hear her.

 _That stupid little bitch!_  she thought.  _Why doesn't she get it!? How could she not know?_

She laid face down on her bed for a long time, listening to the hum of the air conditioner and her own ragged breathing. She tried to calm herself, but rage and confusion and self-loathing battled within her skull. As usual.

She'd been there for Peridot. Why couldn't Peridot be there for  **her**?

Why, at the worst moment in Lapis's life, when she needed a friend, did Peridot  _not answer her fucking phone_?

She couldn't understand, even when Peridot told her what she'd been doing.

But the more she thought about it, the angrier she became at herself.

Because there was no way Peridot could have known. No reason she'd have had to expect the interview would be such a disaster. No reason she would have thought it couldn't wait.

No reason she would have thought that Lapis would have been so desperate...

Jasper flashed through her thoughts like a nightmare. And Lapis clenched her eyes shut and began punching her forehead with her fist, hoping to cast out the image left.

 _Of course  I'm gonna drive away the one friend I still have,_ Lapis reasoned.  _Once I'm done here, I'll be lucky if I still have Jasper._

But this time, somehow, she managed to tamp down those thoughts before they overtook her.

 _Well, she's here now,_  Lapis reassured herself.  _She's here. Waiting for you._

_That's what matters._

Lapis took another minute to compose herself. Closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths, letting the rage drain from her body.

Then she took another breath and walked towards the door. Hoping Peridot would forgive her.

* * *

Peridot just sat there feeling...dejected.

Somehow, it hadn't occurred to her until just then that Lapis might have been calling to tell her what happened at work. And naturally, that made.

 _Of course she's mad at you,_  Peridot thought.  _You weren't there for her when she needed you the most._

_All you add to do was answer your fucking phone..._

But she was too shocked by Lapis's outburst to plunge into outright despair. She didn't feel sad or angry or confused, now that she knew why she'd done it.

She thought about sneaking out of the apartment, not thinking Lapis would notice or care. But she didn't even have the energy, just now, to do that.

Peridot just felt...numb. Empty.

Because all of this was her fault.

Just like everything else in her life.

She heard the bedroom door creak open, heard the soft padding of Lapis's bare feet, but didn't think to move. Instead she buried her head in her hands, bracing herself for whatever rage Lapis might throw her way.

Finally, she felt Lapis over her shoulder. And then she put a hand on Peridot's back.

Peridot looked up, slowly, still expecting to be greeted with a face filled with rage and resentment.

But instead, there was a smile.

A sad, wistful smile beneath red eyes brimming with tears. But a smile nonetheless.

Peridot felt a lump in her throat.

"Lazuli..." she managed to choke out.

Then Lapis leaned down and hugged her, crushing the little blonde in her arms. Peridot practically choked.

"I'm sorry," Lapis muttered. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"No, Lapis," Peridot said softly, utterly baffled. "I'm the one who should be sorry..."

"It's not your fault," Lapis said. "None of this is your fault. It's just...it's all me. I'm sorry."

"It's not..." Peridot started again.

But Lapis knelt down next Peridot and buried her head in Peridot's shoulder, crying into her shirt.

Peridot was too shocked to move. Too stunned to do anything. Too tongue-tied and brain-teased to say something.

So she just patted Lapis on the head and hugged her close, allowing the girl to cry herself out.

"I'm here," Peridot assured her. "It's okay. I'm here."

* * *

After awhile, Lapis stopped crying and Peridot felt a little better. But the atmosphere remained thick with sadness.

They sat in the chairs again, not watching TV, not playing games, not even really talking just in each other's presence. What was there to say?

Then Lapis sniffled, and turned towards Peridot. Yet her expression remained sad, and she refused to make eye contact.

"I've been seeing Jasper again."

Peridot's heart sank.

"Ohh..."

"That night...I tried calling you so many times...Eventually I didn't know where else to turn...And she answered me..."

Lapis couldn't face Peridot as she admitted this. Her face burned with shame.

But it also made Peridot feel bad. Even worse than before.

Because the last thing Lapis needed in her life right now was... _her_.

"I know it's bad," Lapis apologized. "I know I should be stronger. But it's hard to be strong when you have nothing...And when you're alone...Sometimes, it just..."

Her apology sputtered into nothing. Peridot nodded and clasped her hand again, letting her know silently that she understood.

"That night...I don't know what would have happened..."

And Peridot felt a stab of guilt. She squeezed Lapis's hand, hard, and struggled to contain her own emotions.

"I never want to feel that way again."

Lapis turned her head, but Peridot still couldn't face her.

"I need  _someone_  to be there for me. I can't be alone when I'm...like that."

Her body shuddered, like a sob or a cry that didn't come out right. Her eyes watered.

"And I'm sorry, Peridot...I can't blame you for having a life outside of me. I want you to be happy. I do. But sometimes...it's hard enough just to be happy for myself...I can't always think of what's smart or what's right. Sometimes it's just a job to...stay alive."

Peridot felt stronger waves of guilt, this time tinged with resentment. Lapis's words felt almost like blackmail.

But she didn't have the heart to lash out, not any more. It was a struggle to think of something to say.

"Lapis Lazuli," Peridot began, staring down at the back of Lapis's hand, studying the fine black hairs and round, flat mole. So engrossed did she become that it took her a moment to remember what to say.

"Don't apologize for your feelings," she said. "Don't apologize for doing dumb things to make yourself feel better. I'd rather you...sleep with...Jasper" (she choked out the name with obvious distaste) "then...not be here. Obviously, that's not the _optimal_  solution, but..."

Lapis snorted, which made Peridot feel a little better. She snickered softly before continuing.

"Trust me. I've been there. I've been...in the dark place. So many times. And it's not going anywhere."

She sighed. "I'm sorry if I've ever made you think that you're...that your feelings don't matter. Because they do. If I ever thought that you had it together, it's because...You do such a good job of hiding it."

Lapis smiled slightly, but said nothing. Peridot felt her mouth growing dry, but soldiered on.

"And because you're such an awesome woman, Lapis! Believe me. You're so smart, and you've done so much, had so many experiences that...I'm a little jealous of you. Honestly! Because...I have baggage. But I've never accomplished anything. I'm a loser. A failure. I've never held down a job that a monkey couldn't do. You at least have been able to do something that you wanted to do, and..."

And she stopped herself from going too far down this road, realizing it might backfire.

"And I just want to help. Maybe you're as messed up as me. Maybe we're both messed up. But...that's what friends are for. We can both be messed up, and still enjoy each other's company. Maybe...we can be messed up together."

She didn't know what more to say. Lapis still wasn't saying anything, staring thoughtfully at the window.

"Say something," Peridot muttered. "Please."

Lapis's lip trembled; she bit down on it, trying to steady herself. Then she muttered something. 

"Peridot...you don't have anything to be jealous about. And...I appreciate your encouragement. I just...Please don't think of me that way. Like I'm some kind of...I'm not a success. I'm weak and flawed and just lost my job. If that's being successful, I'd hate to see myself fail."

"Then we're in the same boat," Peridot said, an uncomfortable half-smile on her face. 

Somehow this made Lapis break into laughter. Uncontrollable laughter.

"Sorry...it's just...your face was just..." And she doubled over in laughter. 

Peridot blushed, but felt better at the same time. 

"Anyway..." she said, a little annoyed. "Okay, I promise that I won't, like, put you on a pedestal any more. You can be sad and angry and have feelings...that's fine. If I can do it...Well, bad example. But I won't think less of you for it. Just, promise me one thing."

Lapis looked askance. "What's that?"

"Don't call yourself weak." Peridot's eyes grew steely serious. "You are  **not**  weak. If you were weak, you would have...you would still be here. You wouldn't be talking with me right now. You wouldn't have spent two-and-a-half decades on this miserable mudball of a planet suffering everything you've suffered without...Anyway..."

She heard Lapis gasp. And looked down.

To Peridot's mortification, her sleeve had ridden up, revealing a deep, ugly scar on her wrist. 

Lapis's mouth dropped open. And Peridot felt like crying. 

"Anyway..." She said, voice trembling. "Let's just agree to treat each other like...people. People who have something in common. Whatever's going on, we should...always have each other."

She swallowed her sadness, turned, and looked Lapis in the eye.

"You don't have to be alone. And neither do I...I hope."

That last note of hesitation drew another smile from Lapis's face. A sparkle in her royal blue eyes that made Peridot shiver. 

"You don't," Lapis assured her.  

And those two words meant so much to Peridot. She felt her heart aflame...felt the feeling that she'd tried so hard to fight welling up within her again.

Lapis Lazuli, I love you, she thought. But she couldn't make herself say the words out loud. 

"And I'm sorry I wasn't there for you," she added. "I'll try...not to let that happen again."

Lapis smiled and nodded. Then, after a pause, she said. 

"And...I'll try not to make you think that you're...that you owe me anything more than being my friend. I promise."

Peridot looked away, feeling the angst flutter off her chest. Looked over at Lapis looking, if not happy, then content and satisfied that they'd reconnected.

And she was still beautiful. Don't forget  **that**. 

Then Peridot looked down and let out a quiet gasp. Lapis's eyes followed her down, but she didn't audibly react.

They were still holding hands.


	11. Being There

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: discussion of self-harm and intense depression in this chapter. And more nerd talk!

**Warning:**   _intense discussion of self-harm and depression in this chapter. And more nerd talk!_

They sat there, hands clasped together, for several minutes without saying anything. Or moving. Just amazed that this had  _happened_.

It felt right. Why change it?

Then Lapis spoke:

"Peridot...can I ask...?"

She shot Peridot a plaintive look. Peridot unconsciously reached down and rubbed her forearms, knowing the question on her mind.

"Do you  _really_  want to know?" Peridot sighed, her face cast with shame.

"I mean...I can guess," Lapis said tentatively, fearing that she'd overstepped a boundary. "You don't have to tell me anything if you don't feel..."

"No, no. It's just...Not too many people want to hear the story. Pretty much no one, really, except my therapist. Like, I can't even talk to my parents about it...They'd get too upset."

"Would it  _help_  to talk about it? I mean...I'm here. Right?"

Peridot looked over at Lapis, smiling plaintively, sensitively. And felt warmth wash over her.

She, of all, people might understand.

Still, Peridot felt guarded and uncertain as she began. She choked out the words hesitantly, quietly, all painted in deep regret.

"Okay. I've told you a bit about how things went with the...last job, but maybe not...The unpleasant details.

"I spent like three years working in a call center, and I didn't mind it overmuch at first. I mean, it wasn't a  _great_  job...I worked for an insurance company, and the job was...honestly, it was a pain in the ass. Most of the calls you got were people complaining about prescriptions they can't get filled or bills not getting paid or, you know, the occasional crazy guy who will call in to scream incoherently at you. But the pay wasn't bad, and the hours were reasonable, and the benefits were good. And most of my coworkers were...not awful. I won't say I had too many close friends, but...Yeah. That's just how I am, I guess.

"Well, no, there was a girl I helped train and we hung out every once in awhile. She was kinda cute, but she was straight and had a boyfriend...Well, that's what I get for thinking that way. But she was cool. She didn't judge me. She let me ramble on and on about whatever was on my mind. And she seemed genuinely curious to learn. She was, like, the first friend I'd made since college. But I didn't see her that often. But I didn't need to.

"And I was in the city, living by myself. I felt like an adult. And that meant so much. I'd spent the first few years out of college living with my parents working minimum wage jobs, and anything after that seemed like...you know, a dream come true.

"I mean, I didn't have a car. I didn't have a girlfriend...though I tried...Well, online dating is a pain in the ass, especially when you're queer. But that didn't matter, because I could just go home and do my Peridot thing and that was...all right, you know. I didn't mind it. I had enough free time to be me, and that was .

"But things started to stack up. Some were petty shit, I guess. I got passed over for promotion a bunch of times by people who weren't there as long as me. I tried going to less stressful departments but that didn't work. That one girl I could claim as a friend, they transferred to another office because our department expanded. And I didn't have anyone else to talk to, to vent with, because..."

Peridot trembled and took a few breaths before continuing. She didn't look at Lapis.

"And then work started stacking up. I don't wanna break it down in too many details, but basically, I was hired to answer calls for one specific type of insurance, and...that was fine. But then they started adding different types of insurance - Medicare, Medicaid, everything we have. And we were expected to know all of them. And to shift from one to another between calls was...stressful.

"And then the calls picked up. More and more angry, confused people who knew even less about how insurance works than I did. And I started working more weekends. I didn't hate it at first - I mean, it meant more money, and what was I doing with my spare time, anyway? But over time...I mean, you work enough Saturdays and you start going crazy. One day with a few extra hours tacked on isn't enough to properly decompress, you know? You have to try and fit leisure and chores into 24 hours and that...doesn't work. At least it didn't for me.

"So that all started to pile up. And there was only so much stress one's mind could take.

"I remember the exact day the dam broke. I started getting calls from different kinds of insurance, and it shifted gears too quickly. It broke my brain. I started crying while I was still on the call. And just as a supervisor walked by to check on me, I...I jammed a pushpin into the palm of my hand. Right there. In front of everyone..."

Lapis put a hand on Peridot's arm and steadied her before she continued. It took a minute.

"The supervisor took me aside and called the police to take me to the ER. And I had a uniformed officer lead me out of the building in front of everyone. It was mortifying.

"I went to the ER and they said...Well, they were a little concerned, but they put me under observation for a few hours. They took away all my possessions like I was a fucking criminal. And I had to sit there amidst all these other people who were...unstable, I guess. That's mean, but...I don't know what else to say. I felt like a freak. There was something  **wrong**  with me.

"But they let me go. Didn't think I was really a threat. I told my parents what happened, and they convinced me...Like, they _really_  wanted it to be a one-time thing. Like it was just one bad day or one awful call that pushed me over the edge. And I tried to make myself believe it, too. Something that had to come out, but would never happen again.

"So I went back to work the next day and tried to pretend nothing happened.

"After that, it was all downhill. I started seeing a therapist who tried to help me cope with work, which was nice except it was just like a Band-Aid on my brain. It might make a few moments better, but it didn't fix anything. And I started missing days because I couldn't get out of bed, or I couldn't stop crying or hating myself. Which wasn't even the  _worst_  thing. Sometimes I'd come into work and have a breakdown in front of everyone and have to leave. I was embarrassed as hell. I felt like a complete fucking failure.

"A failure, Lapis. I was getting stressed out over an adult job. Me. Acting like a fucking baby who couldn't control themselves. I hated myself for it. Because there was something wrong with me. I couldn't even think it was depression or anything, just that I was lazy or stupid or worthless or...just not up to it.

"And you know what made it  **worse**? All my supervisors tried to help. They tried making sure I didn't get as many calls, and that I had some time off the phones to work on other projects. All my coworkers...well, all the ones who knew what was going on...supported me. I got a very nice letter from someone...Bill, a guy from the same training class as me, like ten years older and an even bigger nerd...like, he'd written movie reviews for some website before coming here, which is weird...

"But anyway, one day after I came back from a long weekend, I came into work and he left something on my desk. And it was one of those generic encouragement cards with a handwritten message saying, 'Peridot - You are an awesome coworker! You do your job so well. You're a hard worker. You never complain. You're really smart. And you're strong. You can beat this! Bill'

"It was the nicest thing anyone had done for me since...I dunno. I can't even remember. All from someone I only talked to every once in awhile, too. He was just reaching out and being nice for no reason. He was just being a good person."

Instead of feeling warm or happy at this memory, Peridot's face darkened with anger and disgust.

"And you know what I did? You know what I fucking  _did_? I wrote  **LIAR**  across the card in magic marker. And pinned it to the wall of my cubicle, where everyone could see. Where  **Bill**  could see it.

"Because...I couldn't  _believe_  anyone would honestly feel that way about me. That they could see things in me that I could **never**  see. That I could never  _feel_. That I couldn't..."

She started to cry. Dry heaves of her chest; no tears, just pain.

Lapis started crying enough for the both of them. All she could think to do was start rubbing Peridot's back as gently as she could until she regained control.

"And so I kept fighting it for a few months. When things I got too bad, I...skipped work. And I-I...I hurt myself again. More times than I count. Pencils, pushpins, one time a paperclip. I made careful to be sure no one saw any of them. I covered up my arms. I felt like a fucking emo teenager or something. It embarrassed the shit out of me. I didn't even tell my therapist about it.

"And then one day, I came into work and...I just couldn't any more. I had another meltdown before I even reached my desk. I wrote out a resignation letter by hand and gave it to my nearest supervisor, then left and went home.

"Was pretty melodramatic, if you think about it. I think I posted something on Facebook saying "Goodbye" which was an obvious cry for help. Oh, how I cried. I cried the whole bus ride home. I didn't even try to hide it.

"And I got home and I stood there in my bathroom. Holding a razor in my hand. Hovering it over my wrist. Trying to make myself do it. I mean, why the fuck not, at this point?

"But...I-I couldn't. I just felt numb. I didn't even have energy enough to do that. I was a failure even at ending it all."

And Peridot hung her head. Her voice got quiet.

"So, you see this..." Peridot held up the scar on her wrist.

"Didn't use a razor. I grabbed a fucking glass and I smashed it against the counter. And a big piece of glass just tore into my wrist and...I bled everywhere. Managed to staunch it with a towel, cover it up...And then my parents called. They'd seen my Facebook message. Thank God.

"I convinced them I was okay, or as okay as I could be. Even though I wasn't. At all. But...Well, a few days later we talked, and I think you know how the story goes from there."

She looked at Lapis, expecting some kind of revulsion or terror. Instead, she saw Lapis struggling not to break down.

"Well...I'm glad you couldn't do it," was all Lapis managed to choke out in that moment. "I'm glad you're still here."

"And...And so am I." Peridot said, her voice nearly a whisper.

It still hurt to relieve everything. To admit to another person that you're weak and flawed and broken.

But someone understanding...someone else  **being there**  made it a little better.

Finally, Peridot started to cry again. This time, with tears.

* * *

It took awhile for things to get back to normal. But they managed. Mostly by ordering pizza, drinking beers and talking about nerd things.

Peridot spent part of the evening trying to sell Lapis on some manga comic that she'd just reread for the fiftieth time. Lapis couldn't have cared less, but she listened politely as Peridot tried to describe it.

"So basically, the main character dresses up as a boy, enters a sword fighting contest to win some girlfriend...That is so fucking weird." Lapis giggled.

"That is a gross oversimplification," Peridot said. "I don't think you can appreciate  _Revolutionary Girl Utena_ 's brilliance unless you experience it firsthand. Not just hearing it from an unworthy clod like me."

"Never got into anime," Lapis admitted. "Just...I dunno if it's the style or the dubbing or what..."

"The anime isn't that great," Peridot groused. "But the manga...look, you just read it."

"And look at the pictures."

"Yes."

"Like a comic book."

Peridot growled angrily. "Sorta."

Lapis giggled. "Okay."

"Great!" Peridot hopped to her feet. "I didn't bring any of them with me, but you can probably find a volume at the bookstore, or..."

"Maybe I can borrow it from the library?" Lapis said. "Well...I don't know about the library..."

And she let that trail off.

"Or I could send you one of my copies in the mail!" Peridot said, now incurably excited in that nerdy fashion. "Yes! That's perfect! I'll mail it to you and you can read it and let me know what you think! Like, maybe even mail me back a review or something!"

"That's a bit weird, even for you," Lapis said. "But...sure, if I like it we can talk about it."

Peridot nodded. "A fair compromise."

"But!" Lapis said.

"Umm, but?" Peridot wondered.

"Maybe you could read something for me," she said, rubbing some pizza grease off her hands. And she walked over to a desk and grabbed a paperback, then placed it into Peridot's hand.

" _My Brilliant Friend_ ," she said, reading the cover.

And her eyes goggled at the grotesque, photoshoppy art of a married couple trailed by several adorable kids. It looked like the kind of Amish romance novel she'd see on the bargain bin at Wal-Mart or something.

Her instinct was to throw it across the room.

"Don't let the cover fool you," Lapis assured her. "It's really a work of serious literature."

"Umm...okay."

"Yeah. It's about two girls growing up in postwar Italy, and...like, it's not really a plot book. It's a theme and character kinda book."

"That could be interesting," Peridot conceded, though the cover still made her wretch.

"I mean, it helps if you know a little about Italian culture and politics..."

"I took a film class in college. I've sat through more dreary neo-realist movies than your average Cannes juror."

"I wouldn't say it's dreary exactly, but...yeah, it's a lot heavier than it looks."

"Well, it looks like  _Daughter's First Romance Novel_."

"I'm not gonna argue about it with you until you've read it," Lapis warned.

"Hmm. Well, I guess if you read  _Utena_  I can read this...thing."

"Why not?" Lapis smiled.

"Because I've got enough books on my plate already?" Peridot whined.

"Seriously?  **You're**  the one always complaining about how you have infinite free time. And now you're too busy?"

"I could use something heavier than  _Big Little Lies_."

"Watch the show instead, it's better."

"So Amethyst says."

Peridot ventured a glance at the clock. It was almost midnight.

"Holy shit," she asked. "Did we really spend that much time  **crying**?"

"And being nerds," Lapis reminded her, starting to throw away their plates and cups.

"Maybe  **you**  were."

Lapis finished cleaning up, then washed her hands and dried them off. Peridot smiled and said nothing.

"So..." Lapis asked.

"So?"

"Do you want to sleep on the cot, or...?"

"Or? Is there another option?"

Lapis shrugged, trying to seem casual. "I mean...would it be weird if...?"

_Holy shit. It was happening._

"Umm...are you sure?"

Not that the moment was here, Peridot was positively shaking. And terrified.

"Well..." Lapis stopped to consider this. She  **didn't**  seem sure.

Peridot could see, from the expression on her face, that she was fighting a battle within herself about what to do. And Peridot didn't know which side she wanted to win.

Finally, Lapis spoke.

"Tonight was...pretty intense, you know? Both of us kinda spilled our guts and...I dunno. I'm a mess, you know that. But it feels like it would be better if...Maybe we could both...use some company tonight."

Peridot, still shaking, just nodded dumbly.

"I mean, I'm not ready to like, start fucking or anything..."

" **Ha!** " Peridot ejaculated, causing Lapis to shrink in embarrassment.

"Sorry, carry on."

"Anyway..." Lapis said. "It just seems like...It would be better if we were together, you know? Would it be weird?"

She walked over to Peridot and put her hands on the shorter girl's shoulders. Peridot looked at Lapis's eyes and hair and, for the first time, spotted light brown freckles, barely visible on her olive skin, on her cheeks.

_**Fuck** , she was beautiful._

"It might be a little awkward," Peridot admitted. "But...it would be nice, too. It's just..."

"What?"

"I have never...slept with  _anyone_  before."

Lapis smiled warmly and put a hand against Peridot's cheek. Peridot grabbed her arm, enjoying the feeling of Lapis's warm skin against hers.

"It's easy. Just get in bed, put the covers over you, and wait until you fall asleep. It's not, like, rocket science."

"And you said no...fornication."

"Fornication? What are you, a Baptist preacher?"

"Fine. Fucking. Oral sex. Eating you out. Whatever grotesque and explicit language you wanna use."

"Language, Perry! Language!"

"I'm totally cool with that. I mean...I don't think I'm ready for... _that_...anyway. But, yes, spending the evening with you would be...pleasant."

Lapis smiled and pulled Peridot's glasses off. She smiled, but hesitated to do more. And Peridot didn't have the first clue of what to do next.

Peridot audibly sighed as Lapis kissed her gently on the forehead.

She was too stunned to respond in kind. And Lapis chuckled softly and brushed Peridot's hair with one hand.

"Weirdo."


	12. Seeing the Light

Peridot fell asleep first.

Lapis couldn't help noticing that she looked and sounded like a kitten, with her blonde hair poofing out and tiny little snores so muted they were more cute than irritating.

Lapis didn't feel weird or awkward, like she was afraid she might. Instead, this felt so...natural. Like Peridot had always shared a bed with her. Like they were meant to be together.

Lapis didn't really care  _that much_  about sex. Sure, it could be fun, it could mean something with the right person. But she had too many experiences with Jasper and other partners who treated her like a means to an end to want it for its own sake. It was hard to enjoy that once the stab of pleasure and the ripples of orgasm faded. And sometimes, even those didn't happen like they were supposed to, and she was just left with pain and regret.

No,  **this**  mattered. Having someone who loved you laying next to you in bed. The warmth of their body and the presence of their soul. That meant more than the physical things...or the labels, as much as Lapis might agonize over it.

Were they partners now? Were they lovers? Girlfriends? Did it matter?

Right now, it didn't.

Lapis carefully stroked Peridot's arm, noting the cuts and scars that she'd inflicted on herself. Each one she saw sent a stab of pain through her heart.

 _How could such a great person hate themselves so much?_  Lapis wondered.  _It didn't make sense._

But then, she realized that Peridot must feel the same way about  **her**.

That insight gave her pain. How much better she must be at hiding her baggage from everyone around her. Granted, she never hurt herself, at least physically (psychologically was another matter); she couldn't imagine doing anything so horrible to her own body. But people never seemed to get that someone as smart and pleasant and, dare she say, pretty as her (damn right she dared, with this little weirdo sleeping next to her) could suffer.

Not even Peridot.

Though now she understood.

And she understood Peridot.

She laid back, savoring the implications of this thought.

She enjoyed the soft moonlight dappling over the bed and the curtains ruffling slightly in the breeze. The rain had stopped, but the wet smell of an after shower hung in the air. It was so peaceful and calming, even the far-off whine of a car alarm and the inevitable drunken howls from inebriated twentysomethings spilling out of the local bars couldn't spoil it.

What lovely atmosphere. And Peridot completed it perfectly.

She stroked her friend's blonde hair, now a complete mess, and noted that it smelled almost like perfumed straw. She kept stroking it until the feel and the smell lulled her into a trance.

Then she fell asleep, and dreamed of happiness.

* * *

"These eggs taste like shit."

"What?"

"They taste like you burned them."

"You ungrateful bitch."

"Whoa,  **I'm**  not the one trying to serve  _you_  inedible food."

"Ugh. Remind me never to cook for  **you**  again."

Lapis grabbed Peridot's plate and scraped the food into the garbage.

"Hey, I wasn't done with that!" Peridot complained.

"Are you  **serious**  right now?" Lapis said, dramatically dropping the plate into the sink.

"I'm still hungry."

"Drink your orange juice and shut the fuck up."

Lapis grabbed the glass of juice and slammed it in front of Peridot, who stared at it like an angry child.

 _Guess we've skipped right to arguing like an old married couple,_  Lapis thought, more amused than irritated by Peridot's hypocritical tantrum.

Still, it would be nice if her guest would show her a little gratitude.

"If those eggs weren't any good, maybe you can eat some cereal or something."

"I was hoping we'd go out like we did last time."

"Yeah? Well, I don't have a lot of money at the moment..."

"We could grab a McMuffin or something if we have to."

"You talk about  **my**  food being shit and you want fast food for breakfast?"

"All right, I'm sorry, Lazuli. Your food...I'm sure it wasn't  _your_  fault that those eggs were horrible."

"...Thanks?"

"I mean, you didn't lay the eggs yourself...did you?"

"The human body doesn't work that way, Perry."

"Well, I am sorry...I have no filter when it comes to...Like, I'm not gonna pretend that I like something I don't. Food's a big thing for me."

"And yet you like McDonald's."

"Well, like is a strong word..."

"All right, Peridot. Maybe we can grab something. I could use a break from this stuffy apartment, anyway. I mean, after last night...it smells too much like you."

Peridot's face shrank. "Umm...excuse me?"

"I'm not saying it's a _bad_  thing," Lapis teased. "Just that, you know, a little fresh air and change of scenery might do us both some good."

"I'll have you know that I shower with the finest shampoos and conditioners I can find at CVS."

"Wow, I'm impressed," Lapis snarked.

"I spent  **ten whole dollars**  on hair products last week!" Peridot said. Then she sniffed her underarm and added triumphantly: "Not to mention deodorant."

Lapis wasn't sure how serious she was, at this point.

"And yet you want to bankrupt yourself eating breakfast?"

Peridot stuck out her tongue. "Better than shitty eggs."

"Fair enough," Lapis said, waiting for Peridot to grab her purse and jacket off the rack. Then she smacked her friend on the back of the head as she walked past.

* * *

"So, I'm fucked."

Lapis said that flatly, without any particular emotion, as she gnawed on some bacon. Just a plain statement of fact.

The finality of her tone shook Peridot, who didn't know how to react.

"No, you're...not. I'm sure you'll find something..."

"No, Peridot, I am fucked. I don't have a job. I probably won't be able to afford this apartment after the month's out. God knows my parents aren't gonna help me out."

"What happened with your parents, again?"

"They don't like having a gay daughter."

"I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry about. No dramatic disowning or anything, it's just...They're assholes, I don't deal with them any more than I have to. Like, we talk on holidays and my birthday and that's about it."

"Hmm. I am sorry, though."

"Thanks."

"I have a good relationship with my parents, although my mom gets on my nerves sometimes."

"Lucky."

"Yeah...sometimes I feel like they're a little too accommodating, which is nice, but it's not really an incentive to, like, do anything."

"Maybe they're just trying to be safe, you know? They're afraid that you're, like, depressed and they don't want to force you into doing anything until you're ready."

"Well...maybe. Sometimes I feel like I'm ready, sometimes it's just...Gah. It's so easy to get into a routine, even when it's a routine of doing nothing."

"I feel you. But you did remind me of one good thing about my predicament."

"What's that?"

Lapis smiled.

"Unlimited free time."

Peridot frowned.

"More a curse than a blessing," she warned.

"Yeah, well..."

Lapis felt her phone buzz and looked down.

"Oh shit..."

"What is it?" Peridot asked.

"It's...Jasper."

Peridot practically sprung out of her seat.

"What does she want?" she asked, trying to sound annoyed. Though she looked terrified.

"Probably to fuck me again," Lapis said offhandedly, earning side-eye from a waitress who stopped by to refill their coffee.

She quickly scanned the text message, slammed her phone down and sighed.

"Yep."

"Ohh..." Peridot's face twisted into a sour expression.

"Ahh, it's...what we do," Lapis said, grabbing a slice of toast and chomping on it, affecting casualness.

"Well, maybe it's..." Peridot looked down, twiddled her fingers, not sure of the right words.

"Dude, you haven't touched your food yet."

Peridot snapped out of it and looked at the cold eggs and stale bacon congealing on her plate.

"Huh? Well, maybe I'm not, um, that hungry."

"Seriously?" Lapis cocked an eyebrow. "You're gonna bitch me about my eggs and you're not even gonna eat.

"I'd really rather talk about something other than breakfast right now, Lapis," Peridot snapped out.

Then she sunk down in her seat, and bleated a quiet "Sorry."

Lapis drummed her fingers on the table a few times, until Peridot worked up the courage to speak.

"So...what  **are**  we?"

Lapis stopped drumming her fingers, but didn't say anything.

"I mean, last night was...really, really nice. And it felt like...Something special."

"It did," Lapis assured her, the smallest of smiles crossing her lips.

"So...what  _are_  we?" Peridot repeated. "Like, are we...?"

"Peridot, I'm not sure...labels help."

She reached across the tables and laced her fingers together with Peridot's. Peridot stared agog and blushed.

"Like, I wouldn't mind being your girlfriend at all," Lapis clarified. "You're such a...great, great person."

"Hmm. I highly doubt that."

"But...You live in Jones Bluff, and I live here."

"Right."

"It's a two hour drive."

"True."

"And you don't really have an income, so you can't come up that often."

"I'm fully aware of that, Lapis."

"And there's Jasper."

"I mean, that's why I asked."

Peridot gently lowered their hands to the table, palms down.

"And, I'm not the ideal girlfriend anyway," Lapis continued. "So..."

"You think  _I'm_  ideal? Come on, you saw my arms."

"I don't care about that, Perry. And besides, I think you're in a much better position than me right now."

"I highly doubt that. I mean, we're both unemployed..."

"Perry...I don't wanna seem flippant or dismissive or anything, because I know you hate not having a job. But...You've been unemployed for a year."

"Yeah. Wait, what?"

"And you've had time to...get used to it, I guess. It's still fresh and raw and traumatic for me right now. Like someone ripped off a band-aid over my pubes, or something."

Peridot stifled a chuckle.

"What?"

" **That** 's the analogy you thought of?"

Lapis blushed. "I guess it's not the best one possible..."

"Is that something you've done a lot?"

"I mean, razor bumps _are_  a thing, Perry..."

"Okay, I don't need to know all the furry details, Lazuli. But, yeah, I know what you're saying. And I can tell you this. I don't care. Or, maybe that's the wrong way to say it...I care a lot. About you. And that's what matters."

They clasped hands again and stared into each other's eyes, silent.

"Let's just...play it slow, then," Lapis said, looking away and breaking their hands apart. "At least until I sort things out with Jasper. Or, you know, start putting my self-esteem back together. Both could take some time."

Peridot nodded. "Okay." Then she added: "You're worth waiting for."

Lapis looked down, but allowed herself a smile. Then she kicked Peridot's shin under the table.

* * *

_"So, so, so_

_"So this is what it feels like_

_"To match wits_

_"With someone at your level_

_"What the hell is the catch?_

_"It's the feeling of freedom_

_"Of seeing the light_

_"It's Ben Franklin with a key and a kite_

_"You see it, right?"_

Lapis stared open mouth at Peridot's flow and poise. Somehow, the nerdy little white girl managed to keep pace with Renee Elise Goldsberry's rapid-fire rapping, all while driving through congested city streets.

Peridot seemed endlessly full of surprises. Though the sight and sound made her happy.

 _Why is this so hard?_  Lapis wondered.  _The one good thing that happens in my life..._

_Well, fuck. Don't beat yourself up over it. Not over this._

But she had to figure out a million things, awfully fast.

Like, how she was going to find work. And what she'd do if she couldn't. Where could she live?

She thought about moving to Jones Bluff with Peridot. Then remembered that Peridot lived with her parents, and that would be a fantasy anyway.

Somehow she didn't fancy living under a bridge. But that, at least, would be better than dead.

She thought about living with Jasper...

No. That wouldn't be right. Or fair to Jasper.

Because Jasper wouldn't ever agree to it, for one thing. And for another, it would further complicate a tar pit of a relationship even if she said yes.

Plus, Lapis wanted to get  _away_  from her. That seemed...counterproductive.

"I should have **known**  you liked  _Hamilton_ ," Lapis said when the song concluded.

"There truly is no end to my nerdiness," Peridot admitted with a smile as her iPod switched to the Decembrists.

"It would appear not."

And they rode together listening quietly to the music for a minute, until they arrived at Lapis's place.

"Well...it's been another fun weekend," Peridot said as she put the car into drive.

"I don't know if fun's the word I'd use," Lapis said. "I mean, it got pretty intense."

"Cathartic weekend, then?" Peridot asked, squeezing the steering wheel with both hands.

"I suppose."

"Clarifying weekend."

"Okay."

"Climactic weekend."

" _Enough_ , Madame Thesaurus. But yeah, it was...let's just say I won't forget it soon."

She put her hand on Peridot's, and both of them smiled.

"Yeah."

"We'll figure out how to make this work," Lapis promised with her warmest smile and most inviting eyes. "Just...let me finish figuring some things out."

"Okay. I understand."

"It's just...Don't get me wrong, if things were different..."

She left those words hanging there.

_If things were different..._

So many ways she could finish that thought.

_We could be together._

_We could be happy._

_I wouldn't be a failure._

_You wouldn't **feel**  like a failure._

The music changed over again and "Sowing the Seeds of Love" came on. Peridot's favorite, when she felt mad at the world.

"This one makes me think of Donald Trump," she said sourly. And Lapis heard the lyrics about "smashing every hope of democracy" and understood why.

"Well, we'll have to explore your musical tastes more thoroughly some other time," Lapis said.

"I guess...I mean, it's pretty banal stuff."

"I don't know, you don't meet too many twentysomethings who like Tears for Fears."

"You don't meet too many twentysomethings who read Italian romance novels."

"Hey, it's  _not_  a romance novel."

"Well, I hope you're right," Peridot said with a resigned scowl. "Because either way, I'm gonna find out."

Which made Lapis melt.

"Oh, I forgot to give you my copy!" Lapis said, sitting up with a start.

"Eh, don't worry about it," Peridot said, waving her hands. "My friend Pearl told me she has a copy."

"Well...then you'll have to send proof that you're reading it."

"Follow my Goodreads page. It will let me keep track of whether you're actually reading _Utena_ , as well."

"Oh, please. Don't make me sign up for  **another**  nerd site."

"Lapis... Fine. I'll make you sign up for the "can't cook eggs" site, then."

"Get over it, you weirdo," Lapis said again, flicking Peridot's ear.

"Well...I'll be in touch."

"Yeah."

Lapis leaned over the seat and gave Peridot a crushing hug. They held each other for a moment and awkwardly angled for a kiss, until their lips touched, fleetingly and stickily.

Decidedly...anticlimactic.

"Umm...we'll have to practice," Peridot said, a little embarrassed.

"We should have plenty of opportunities," Lapis said. Then climbed out of the car.

"Lapis...Good luck."

And she freighted those two words with everything they'd talked about over the weekend.

"Thanks."

And she watched Peridot drive off, until she disappeared around a corner. And sighed, clasping her hands over her heart.

And wondered which mess she would clean up first.


	13. Advice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: some discussion of American politics (and of course, Richard Nixon) in this chapter.

This Tuesday was busy, and Peridot had more pressing things to do than hang out in the library. She just planned to drop by, grab her book from Pearl and leave.

But Pearl proved especially chatty. And, in an odd turn, she wanted to discuss history.

"This library has twenty-eight books on Richard Nixon and Watergate and  _twenty-six_  are checked out at the same time!" Pearl chirped. "Can you **imagine**?

Peridot scratched her head, feigning interest. "That  **is**  weird. Is it his birthday or something?"

"I dunno. Fiftieth anniversary of his election this year, I think. But also...maybe some people just wanna brush up on presidential scandals." She winked.

Peridot rolled her eyes. She _really_  didn't want to talk politics today, let alone history. Even with someone who sympathized with her.

"I only read  _All the President's Men_  a million years ago," she said. "That's enough for me."

But Pearl continued, as she often did when she got on a roll (something she and Peridot had in common).

"I read that biography last year which discusses how Nixon sabotaged the Vietnam peace talks so he could win the election in '68. They had documents from his staff proving it."

"Huh. That's really shitty."

"It certainly was. Talk about collusion! And **treason**! How many people in Vietnam and Cambodia died just so that he could win an election? And he got away with it, too..."

"Pearl," Peridot interrupted. "Sorry, but...I've got kind of a busy schedule today. Do you have the Ferrante book or not?"

"What?" Pearl's face fell in confusion. "Oh yeah, I'm sorry. I forgot we talked about that. I'm surprised your friend, Laurie was it?"

"Lapis.

"Didn't give you her copy."

"She was gonna, but...It doesn't matter."

Pearl reached into her purse and pulled out the familiar paperback. Peridot again recoiled from the mawkish cover art, causing Pearl to giggle nervously at her reaction.

"Don't let the cover fool you," Pearl assured her. "It's a really, _really_  great book."

"So I've heard," Peridot groused, turning the book over in her hands. "Ever think of making it a book club selection?"

"Oh, all the time!" Pearl clasped her hands and smiled, then her expression sunk. "Of course, there's no way Amethyst would ever go for it."

"Probably not," Peridot admitted.

"Garnet, maybe, but sometimes I think she's just there for the company..."

"I dunno. She strikes me as pretty well-read..."

"She is, but I don't know if Italian fiction is in her wheelhouse."

"I'm seeing her later today, so I can ask her about it."

Pearl became flustered again. "Umm, no need," she assured Peridot. "Just so long as you enjoy it! I'll look forward to hearing your thoughts at our next meeting."

"Thanks, Pearl."

"No problem. And I have the other three books at home if you like that one."

"...There are  **more**?" She couldn't remember if Lapis had told her that. Certainly, she didn't relish the idea.

"Well, anyway, I'll see you soon. Thanks again, Pearl."

And she moved away from the desk and watched Pearl reach down for another paperback.

Peridot squinted at the cover.

Of course. A novel about Watergate. Which explained the conversation they'd just had.

Peridot rolled her eyes again and sat down at a nearby table. Pearl was nothing if not the suggestible type.

She started leafing through _My Brilliant Friend_ and skimmed a few pages, not really absorbing them, until the alarm on her phone rang and it was time to leave.

* * *

It was still May, and still nice enough to walk around outside, sunny and warm without being swelteringly hot. Peridot wore a gray-green t-shirt with an alien logo and dark cargo shorts, a duffel bag of books and notepads slung over her shoulder. It made her stand out in Jones Bluff, but she didn't particularly care.

People were already preparing for Memorial Day, putting out flags and advertisements for holiday ceremonies and events. Peridot saw two guys washing their car and talking about sports. And a stout middle-aged lady walking a yappy dog. Then she spotted a bunch of yard signs for Republican congressional candidates, some with slogans unabashedly borrowed from '40s Nazi appeasers, and blanched.

Peridot did her best to avoid politics these days. Not that she didn't care (how could she not?) but that the subject made her sick and depressed and angry. She couldn't even hear the President's voice on TV without feeling nauseous, let alone read about his freshest outrage or ungrammatical tweet.

And she felt helpless that she, as a single, conspicuously queer person, could do so little in this deeply conservative small town, whose denizens doubtless thought Nixon was framed and Reagan was God and Trump the Messiah. And that she, Peridot, was something less than human because she liked girls.

Another problem with being an adult, she realized. In college you're optimistic and naive enough to think that joining the College Democrats and Gay-Straight Alliance would actually make a difference. In your twenties, when you have a job and are too busy making it in the world, you feel like you can't do anything except vote and argue on message boards, and even that's not worth much.

Besides, she had other fish to fry. Fish that were vexing and nerve-wracking enough.

She stopped at a mailbox and dropped a yellow envelope addressed to **Lapis A. Lazuli**. It was her copy of  _Revolutionary Girl Utena_ , Vol. 1 along with a note imploring Lapis, "you'd better read this or next time I see you, I'll bring a box of those Italian books you like and throw them at your fucking head. Love, Peridot."

Well, she signed it "Love," at least. That's a step in the right direction.

It had been two-and-a-half days since she left Capital City, and Peridot still hadn't puzzled out...what exactly they  _were_. Lapis might not want a label on their relationship, but it would help Peridot feel better.

Because she didn't think ambiguity in a relationship was desirable for anyone. Especially if it might be more than friendship. Especially if it involved sleeping together and a kiss and shitty, inedible eggs.

Still, there was Jasper. Peridot had never met the woman, but Lapis's description terrified her. Made her imagine a mountain of hatred and violence in female form. And she didn't seem like someone who'd give up Lapis without a fight, however badly she treated her.

And, honestly, she wasn't sure how she felt about the prospect of being The Other Woman. It made her feel guilty and ashamed, but also gave her a secret thrill, that Lapis might risk everything she had for her. Which was flattering, in its way.

Though it also made Peridot wonder how secure she and Lapis might be, should they become a couple...

 _No, I'm not Jasper,_  Peridot assured herself.  _And Lapis and I aren't like that._

The doubt lingered in her mind. And she'd talked only fleetingly with Lapis since seeing her, mostly text messages, which didn't reassure her in the least.

 _One step at a time, Perry,_  Peridot told herself as she reached the career center.  _Your life's too fucked up to fix everything at once._

* * *

"Well, I'm glad everything went well with your friend," Garnet said. "Are you going to see her again?"

"Eventually," Peridot said. "It's kinda complicated."

"Ah, one of those situations," she said mysteriously. "I know those very well. Now, you can talk to me about that whenever you like, but for now...let's focus on your career."

Garnet pulled out a file folder while Peridot reached for her notebook. She grimaced at the staged formality.

"Did you schedule an interview with CareCom, like we discussed?"

"Ugh. I called them and no answer."

"You called them?"

"Twice. And sent an email. No response."

"Bad luck." Garnet scrolled up something on her computer. "Keep trying, I guess."

"Well, at some point you have to get discouraged," Peridot admitted.

"Only if you let yourself get discouraged," Garnet said, all encouragement.

"That's not how it works," Peridot grumbled in response. "Especially someone like me."

Garnet kept typing for a moment, inexpressive.

"I don't want to sound flippant or anything," Garnet said, eyes still glued to the screen. "I know that you're in a rough patch and you have to deal with depression. I'm sure that makes an already-hard task even more difficult. So I'm sorry if I came off as dismissing you."

 _You kinda did,_  Peridot wanted to say. But she knew Garnet wasn't being malicious, so she let it pass.

"All I  **meant**  to say is that you shouldn't give up," Garnet clarified. "Don't be too discouraged. As best you can. Just...be discouraged within reasonable limits."

Peridot snickered at that. "Great advice," she snarked.

"I do my best," Garnet said, loudly clicking her mouse as she landed on a result.

"Anyway...you've had six interviews in the past month. That's really impressive."

"Sure," Peridot replied. "Four turn downs, one with no follow-up and one "we'll get back to you" with no time frame. Impressive."

"It's hard to get a job," Garnet said.

"Harder to find one you wanna keep," Peridot added.

"Well, what are you looking for?" Garnet said. "I don't think you've specified that much."

Which irritated Peridot. "Well, like I told you, I  **want**  to write, but I know full-time writing jobs are pretty much impossible to come by."

"Unless you're really well-connected or have a master's degree. And even then..."

"Right."

"But what other jobs would you prefer to search for?" Garnet asked.

"Any job that's not terrible," Peridot responded.

Garnet turned back to her keyboard and pretended to type. "Jobs...that...aren't...terrible. Sorry, no results."

Peridot groaned.

"I appreciate that you're trying to keep things light here, but I'm in a bind, okay? I'm 26 years and I can't live with my fucking parents forever. I need something that I can do but..."

"...that's not terrible," Garnet repeated.

"Yes! Why is that so much to ask for?" Peridot asked.

Garnet shook her head. "Because the economy is garbage," she said. "I don't care what they tell you on the news, or what Obama or The Other One tell you. We never really got out of that recession from a decade back. People like you with degrees and intelligence have to take jobs that wouldn't have required a GED twenty years ago. It's just the way things are. Life is a holding action until you find what you're good at."

"Hmm. So you're telling me it's hopeless."

"No, I'm just telling you to maybe have more reasonable expectations. Keep writing, by all means, but find something else to do."

"It's not as simple as that..."

Garnet turned towards her and pushed her chair to the desk. Then leaned across and stared intently at Peridot.

"Why not?"

What a simple, stupid question. Yet when Peridot opened her mouth to answer, nothing came out.

Maybe  _that_  wasn't so simple, either.

"Because...look, I've told you about my...conditions, and what happened, more or less, at my last job. I can't just work for work's sake, you know? Any job like the last one's just gonna drive me insane. I might be able to fight through it for awhile, but sooner or later I'll reach a breaking point.

"And let's face facts, Garnet. I don't like dealing with people. I mean, not friends and family and...that part's fine. But I can't stand strangers. It makes me cringe and curl up and just feel...like, even talking to them on the phone, I hated it. I couldn't stand not being able to help someone who asked me for help. And I couldn't stand being yelled at. It took all my energy not to, like, completely lose it."

Garnet looked intently, resting her chin on her hands.

"Hmm. That  **is**  a problem."

"So, I know you're trying to help, but...just saying you need to have reasonable expectations isn't gonna help. Because I know that. I want to be reasonable. It's just..."

And Peridot crumpled in her chair, letting out a soft, mewing whimper.

Garnet leaned back, patting her fingers together as if deep in thought. Or else killing time.

"I don't know what to tell you, Peridot," Garnet admitted. "It's hard to find work. Harder still for people in your...predicament. Have you tried the State Aid office?"

"I'm on a waiting list," Peridot complained. "Could take two years to be approved."

"That's not right."

"That's bureaucracy for you."

"Ugh. Well, they're really good at setting you up with assistance. Doing limited capacity evaluations and vocational training and...finding work that you can do without too much difficulty. Letting you be independent. I know that means a lot to you."

"That would be all well and good..." Peridot began. But couldn't finish the thought.

"And I get it," Garnet assured her. "Really. I lived with my parents until two years ago, and I hated it. Made me feel like I was still a kid. Took me forever to find this job. But I stuck to it, and here I am today, floundering about while I try giving you advice."

"Garnet, I'm not trying to seem ungrateful," Peridot said, blushing apologetically. "It's just...Gaah! I don't know what I want! And now this thing with Lazuli! Like I need another stresser in my life..."

"Relationships can be hard, too," Garnet said with a wink. "Of course, I'm not  _professionally_  qualified to talk about that..."

Then she thought about it, and added: "Or otherwise, really."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I haven't dated anyone since I moved out here."

"Not much of a dating pool. Especially for someone like me."

"Me, too."

Pause.

"Wait, so you're...?" Peridot ventured.

"I guess the term is, pansexual?" Garnet said. "I've dated people of various genders in my life. I like who I like. Don't really have any preference except their being hot. But you can't really find many gay women in this town, outside of our book club, or non-binary, or...hell, people who look like me, or are willing to date someone who  _looks_  like me...Not too many of those either."

"Ohh. I'm sorry." Somehow that hadn't occurred to Peridot, and she blushed even harder.

Garnet shrugged. "I don't like living in a hick town any more than you do. But we play the hand life deals us."

"Truth," Peridot admitted. Then she added: "But  _man_ , I've been dealt a shitty hand."

Garnet burst out laughing. Peridot didn't know whether she was being laughed at or with, so she joined in.

"There's not an easy fix to either of those problems," Garnet advised. "All we can do is try." 

Peridot nodded. 

* * *

Peridot decided to eat out that night. She stopped in a local fast casual place, nibbled at some tough, overcooked steak and cheese-filled mashed potatoes, all while trying to read  _My Brilliant Friend_.

 _So much for my diet,_  Peridot thought, looking down at her belly. She could feel herself gaining weight with every bite. But it was worth it.

_At least I'm still walking everywhere. That counts for something...right?_

To her surprise, she wasn't hating the book so far. Slow moving and anachronic, but not bad once she figured out the setting and who all the characters were (what kind of sadistic author names their protagonists Linu and Lila?). And what she'd told Lapis proved true enough; her memories of Rossellini and De Sica movies in college offered enough background to keep the setting from being too daunting.

She wondered if Lapis was reading  _Utena_  right now, and what she might think about it...

Then remembered that she'd just mailed the book that day.

Stupid clod.

Still, even though the food wasn't great and the novel was a challenge, she liked eating out on her own with no company but a book. It made her feel like an adult. And it helped her forget.

She had just enough money to cover the food and offer a $3 tip to the pimply waiter who served her. Then left and emerged from the restaurant, just as the Sun starting going down.

She saw kids still playing on lawns and sidewalks. A mom with several toddlers licking ice cream cones. A shirtless older man jogging down the street with ancient, bulky headphones blocking his ears. Someone was barbecuing meat down the block, making Peridot's mouth water.

Peridot couldn't help enjoying the sights and feel of Jones Bluff, even if she hated it. Even if she felt awkward here all the time.

It was nice until you think about living here forever. And how, if all these people knew you were gay and liberal, they wouldn't spit in your direction.

So, maybe not so nice.

But at least she had friends now. And that was something.

 _Another rough day being unemployed,_  she thought as she made it home, rushing up stairs and sprawling out on the bed, sweaty and exhausted.

_Maybe tomorrow will be better._

_Remember what Garnet said...all you can do is try._

_Until then,_  she decided, feeling cold, stinky sweat puddling under her armpits,  _I should probably turn on the air conditioner._


	14. Mao II

When Lapis entered Sapphire's Books, she was surprised at how small it was. Just a little room carved out from a small building, with an Indian restaurant on one side and a music store on the other.

The store contained at least a dozen shelves, crammed with a seemingly endless variety of used books and periodicals, along with the occasional art works. A shelf of old vinyl records and Maoist propaganda posters (why they had _those_ , Lapis couldn't even guess) being browsed by an over aged hipster with a leather jacket and graying pony tail. And the store smelled heavily of old, musty paper with the slightest hint of Lysol.

Lapis wasn't sure if she loved the smell (old books, good for the brain!) or hated it (mold, awful on the lungs!). But seeing so many books in one place set her nerd sense to tingling. She already felt strangely at home, and she'd only been there for about thirty seconds.

She walked to the front desk, seeing a pile of books and magazines stacked behind it. And a vintage Rolling Stones record perched on top.

"I'll be with you in a minute," the clerk shouted. Lapis caught the glimpse of a short, cheerful blonde in a pastel blue outfit filing something in a far shelf. She drummed her fingers on the desk, taking a look around.

Behind her, the hipster coughed and muttered something about bourgeois appropriation of socialism under his breath.

"Sorry about that," the clerk said, hurrying over to the desk. "How can I help you?"

"Hi, I'm Lapis," she said. "Lapis Lazuli."

"Oh yes, we talked on the phone!" The clerk reached up and shook Lapis's hand. "Sapphire Barnes."

"What an...appropriate name," Lapis said. She saw that the woman's outfit was actually a dress, and that her pale blonde hair went down past her shoulders. She also wore a sapphire necklace, a metal bracelet and a thin brown belt around her waist.

Sapphire chuckled. "I could say the same about you," she said, gesturing at Lapis's hair. "Doesn't look like you have any jewelry, though."

"I mean, my ears are pierced, but I don't really like wearing earrings. It's annoying and vain...no offense."

"None taken. We all have our own personal style."

Sapphire's friendliness put Lapis instantly at ease. Along with the strange color of her dress, which screamed "non-threatening."

"So, I'm kind of alone today so I can't abandon my post for too long," Sapphire apologized. "Maybe our interview can wait until Captain Neckbeard here takes off."

The customer was currently too far up his own ass to take offense. Lapis snorted and snickered.

"So, tell me a little bit about yourself while we wait," Sapphire said. "How'd you hear about this job?"

"Listing in the paper."

"Hmm, you're only the second person to respond, and the first person was a dope who didn't know Tolstoy from Amy Tan. So I'm glad there's gonna be another option."

"Well, I read _The Joy Luck Club_  a million years ago," Lapis said unhelpfully.

"Better than that guy," Sapphire assured her. "What are you reading now?"

"Just finished  _My Brilliant Friend_."

"Ah. Elena Ferrante?"

"Yep!"

"Did you start the second book yet?"

"Not yet. I just bought it on Kindle the other day."

"Oh, eBooks?" Sapphire blanched. "I'm very, very disappointed in you, Lapis."

Lapis started to protest, maybe a little worried that she'd blown her nerd cred. Then she saw Sapphire's wry smile, and relaxed.

"It was $6," Lapis said. "And it's easier to hide the atrocious cover..."

"Guess that's true. But really, the second and third books are way better than the first. Linu's much more interesting as an adult than an adolescent, if you ask me."

"Excuse me," the hipster interrupted, carrying a large poster of Mao Zedong offering a bounty vegetables to some grateful Chinese peasants. "Is this an original?"

"Umm...no, it's a reproduction," Sapphire said.

"Where can I get an original?"

"I'd suggest Beijing."

The hipster frowned. "That's a shame. You should clearly label them. Would be nice if you got hold of an original..."

"We're not an art store," Sapphire said patiently. "Someone just donated a bunch of those posters to us last month. That's why they're on sale."

"Really?"

"You think we'd sell original historical art for $20?"

The hipster examined. "I just thought you were an ignorant plebe."

Sapphire face flinched, ever so slightly, then resumed her smiling.

"Buy it or get out, please," she said in the same equaninmous voice.

"Fucking bougie bitch," the hipster muttered, tossing the poster back on the rack.

Sapphire took several long, deep breaths, let out a strange, atonal hum, then walked to the front door and put a "closed" sign on it.

"So, you have to deal with idiots here, too?" Lapis said. Then she blanched, worried that she'd said something awful.

Sapphire giggled. "Yes, occasionally. But most of the people you'll meet are nice, and actually know what they're talking about."

 _Well, between that and the eBooks thing, that's two strikes without her kicking me out,_  Lapis thought.  _That's a good sign._

"You'll have to teach me that relaxation technique," Lapis said. "I mean, that was pretty boss."

"It's easy," Sapphire assured her, "so long as you commit to it. Just breathe in and think of the best thing in your life. Soon, all the assholes will shrivel up and float away on the breeze."

Lapis snorted. "That's certainly a...vivid image."

"Well, I  _may_  be a bourgeois plebe," Sapphire admitted, "but I certainly know my way around an analogy."

"Where did you get all this Communist crap from, anyway?" Lapis said.

Sapphire shrugged as she straightened the poster on the rack.

"Someone donated it. A college professor, or a Bolshevik, I can't recall. Dunno why, or what they expected us to do with it. I thought about giving it to my friend Vidalia, but she doesn't really sell or collect historical art like this. Might as well make a buck. I'm sure the Chairman would appreciate the irony."

Lapis could only think of Tiananmen Square when it came to Chinese Communism, so she smiled and nodded.

"Let's not make this too formal," Sapphire said, sitting back behind the counter. "Amazingly enough, I'm not the formal type."

"So, I understand you went to Capital City College?" Sapphire asked.

"I did."

"What year did you graduate?"

"Class of 2012. Of course, I've been in and out of grad school since then..."

"No kidding. You might have known my sister. She graduated a year behind you."

"Your sister...wait, Barnes is your last name?"

"Yes."

"Padparadscha?"

Sapphire smiled. "Yes!"

"Well, how could I forget her?" Lapis said. "She was an interesting girl."

Which was being polite. Lapis remembered her being cheerful and polite to everyone, but always seeming to take a few seconds to answer any question asked of her...sometimes well after a conversation moved on to other topics. She found it a little annoying, like most people, but the girl was so friendly you couldn't be mad at her.

"Very smart and very sweet," Sapphire agreed, clearly proud of her sister. "I mean, when she was diagnosed on the autism spectrum, our parents were afraid that she wouldn't be able to go to school or take care of herself. But you know what? She's living by herself and working at a grocery store  _and_  writing on the side."

"That's great. I'm glad she's doing well."

"I don't remember if she ever mentioned you, but...I'm so happy you remembered her."

Lapis was taken aback by the warmth of Sapphire's smile. All she could do was return it.

"You said you worked at a library, right?"

"Yeah. Emphasis on worked. Past tense."

"What happened?"

"I lost my job."

"Any particular reason? I mean, a bright, talented girl like you doesn't just lose their job. Were you laid off?"

"Umm, not exactly."

"Well, then?"

Lapis froze, not sure how much to admit.

"Umm...it was kinda shitty and I'm not sure it reflects well on me, either..."

"You can tell me all about it," Sapphire assured her with a warm smile. "The worst I can do is not hire you, and that leaves you exactly where you started."

"How philosophical of you," Lapis said, still skeptical.

"I try."

Lapis bit her lip, her eyes flitting nervously around the shop. Then looked at Sapphire, watching her warmly, but expectantly, and swallowed her regret.

_What do I have to lose?_

"Oh, there was some bitch at my office who didn't like me," Lapis said. Seeing no reaction to her profanity, she soldiered on. "So we went up for the same job and she gave some damning information to our interviewer and...I kinda had a meltdown."

"What kind of information?"

"Just some doodles I drew."

"Doodles? How offensive could they be?"

"Well, they kinda...mocked my supervisor."

"How?"

"Umm...do I really have to explain?"

"You don't have to," Sapphire assured her. "I'm just curious. But it doesn't matter. I'm not the check up on references type, especially if...well, if someone screwed you over."

Lapis shook her head, still in disbelief that this whole thing was so informal. That she could just be herself and not some weird, starched-up facsimile of Lapis.

"I drew a picture of my supervisor with an erection," she admitted.

"Any, erm, particular reason?" Sapphire asked, crossing her arms.

"Because...he was a skeeve who leered at female customers all the time," Lapis said.

"Well...that's understandable. But a bit crude..."

"I mean, I didn't draw it for public consumption," Lapis complained, defensively. "I kinda drew it while I frustrated at him one day to amuse myself."

"Oh. So how did your coworker get it?"

"They...must have dug it out of my trash."

Sapphire, for the first time, lost her friendly expression.

"Are you kidding me?"

Lapis shook her.

"Are you  **kidding**  me?" Sapphire asked again. "That is so fucking low..."

"Well, I'm glad you think so," Lapis admitted. "I mean, maybe I shouldn't have been dumb enough to draw them at work, but..."

"No, you could have been more discreet," Sapphire said. "But what kind of awful bitch even does something like that?"

"Your guess is as good as mine," Lapis said. She sighed, feeling like the danger had passed.

"Well, I don't really have a spiel about why you want to here or anything. But why do you want to work here?"

Lapis thought about this, hard as if she were at a real job interview.

"I love books, I like being around books, I like talking to people about books. And, of course, I need a job."

"Now, you were making pretty good money at your last position, I imagine?"

"Enough to live on."

"Hmm. Well, I can't pay you that much. And I'm not sure about hours...we are open six days a week."

"That's no trouble."

Sapphire sat back and calmly thought, sorting through ideas in her mind while Lapis waited impatiently.

"I don't even know if I can afford a full-time employee," Sapphire admitted. "I mean, our profits are up-and-down. We do very good business during the school year, but since the semester just ended..."

"Well, whatever you'll pay me," Lapis said. "Sorry. I don't wanna seem desperate, it's just...This seems like something I'd really like to do. Something I'd be good at. And...I really need a break right now."

She felt sick that she was virtually begging, pleading for a job from this complete stranger. She bent over in her chair, feeling anxiety swirling in her chest, preparing to take over.

Fortunately, Sapphire intervened.

"Well, you seem like someone who needs a break."

She put a hand on Lapis's shoulder. Lapis looked up, saw Sapphire's beatific smile, and felt the anxiety drain away.

"If you want this job, you're hired. Just one question for you."

Lapis felt like jumping from her chair. But she managed to keep her cool for the time being.

"Oh? What's that?"

"When can you start?"

* * *

Lapis waited until she was out of site before breaking into a happy dance. She skipped down the street, pumped her fist and shouted in glee, ignoring the surprised and perturbed passers-by.

She was so thrilled just to have a job, so soon after losing her last one! Especially one that promised similar work for less stress (though admittedly, much less pay). And burned through a recitation of all her professional enemies.

Suck on that, Aquamarine! Eat shit, Holly! Fuck you,  **Tim**!

 _And most of all,_  she thought,  _fuck you, anxiety!_

_You've been feeding me shit for so long, I almost started to believe it. I almost believed that I was worthless._

_Well guess what, you awful, brain-rotting fucker? I matter. I mean something._

_And this job's gonna be awesome._

She couldn't wait. She grabbed her phone and called Peridot. The phone rang for nearly minute before going to the answering machine.

"You have reached the Great and Lovable Peridot. Please leave..."

"Hi, Lapis! I'm sorry, I was just leaving a job interview."

"Wow, great timing."

"Are you okay? Is everything all right?"

"I'd say so," Lapis said, trying to remain nonchalant. "I just got a job."

"Lapis...you're kidding me? That's amazing!"

"Yeah! I had like a ten minute interview and they hired me on the spot."

"Ha, I knew you could do it! I told you I wasn't just saying that to cheer you up."

"Yeah, well, I still appreciate it," Lapis assured her.

"What kind of job is it?"

"Working in a bookstore."

"Oh, cool. Is it like a Books a Million, Barnes and Noble type deal? Or a campus bookstore?"

"No, it's a small little used bookstore in the College District."

"Oh, well that's pretty cool."

"Yeah. It's small, and they aren't gonna pay me too much, but...I mean, it's better than nothing."

"Way better."

"And the owner's really cool."

"A nice change of pace. As long as there's no Aquamarine around."

"If there is, I'll gut her."

"Good plan. Well, I'm really, really happy for you, Lapis."

"Thanks, Peridot."

"I mean it."

"I know. What was your interview?"

"Oh, it was another one of these wild goose chases. I took a train all the way to Dover...I mean, fuck, that's a two hour train ride...For a job that I'm probably not even qualified for. It would be a communications job, like the other ones."

"Well, I'm sure you did well."

"I'm fairly confident in my interview skills, of course."

"Well, of course." Lapis smiled.

"But still, I don't imagine my resume is the most impressive of the ones they have on offer."

Lapis shook her head. "Perry, you can't be pessimistic about every little thing."

"Why not? That's always been a great guidepost in the past. I mean, if I expect nothing, success will be a pleasant surprise."

"Wow."

"I know."

"I mean, that's true, sorta, but...Doesn't mean you have to knock yourself down. Any more than you already do..."

"I guess you're right. Garnet keeps telling me that just the fact that I'm getting so many interviews is a good sign."

"And it is."

"...I guess you're right."

"You're working hard, and it's starting to pay off."

"I don't know about that...I mean, you got an interview on your first try..."

"Perry, please don't be jealous of me. I mean, me of all people..."

"Right, sorry. It's just...frustrating, you know? Going to other fucking states for an interview?"

"Yeah, that's a bitch. I mean, you're talking to someone who spent the past few years drifting around the country..."

"Yeah. But, thanks for letting me know."

"Well, thanks for talking."

"I've been telling you you were awesome for months, so maybe now you'll finally believe me."

"Ha ha! Well, I don't know about awesome, but...I'm very happy."

"I'm glad."

"And I'm happy for you, too."

"...Thanks."

"Talk soon?"

"Talk soon."

Lapis wanted to tell Peridot that she loved her, but she froze. And Peridot hung up before she could say anything.

* * *

Her good mood lasted until she got home. She didn't think anything could ruin it.

Then she saw a familiar figure standing in the doorway, and gasped.

"Jasper?"

Jasper emerged from the shadows wearing an awkward grin.

"Hey babe," she said, fiddling nervously with her hair. "Can we, uh...can we talk?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize Sapphire isn't 100 percent in character for this chapter, but I wanted to fit her into the story and this seemed like a good way to do it. Maybe Ruby will make an appearance later on!


	15. Fugue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: domestic abuse and suicidal ideation

Lapis slipped into a trance.

Every instinct told her to brush past Jasper, or _fight_  past her if necessary, and lock herself safely in the apartment until she went away. Or to run the other way and wait for her to leave. Or to call the cops. Something.

But she was here, and that alone was too frightening...or too overwhelming to think about.

Lapis took leave of her senses. That's the only explanation that made sense. A fugue state, or hypnosis, or sleepwalking, or possession, or... _something_  otherworldly .

Why else would she let Jasper into her apartment, despite everything that had passed between them? Despite, finally, making a connection with Peridot? Despite landing a job on a first interview, and hence being in a good mood which didn't necessitate her falling back into the arms of a mistake.

Yet Jasper was  _here_. She'd come to her, unbidden. In the middle of the day. And God knows what that meant.

That must have been enough to jar her defenses loose. To destroy any resistance.

Which didn't mean that Lapis didn't feel dread when she led Jasper up the apartment stairs, through the halls. Brushing past Lapis's neighbors, oblivious to the tragedy unfolding before them. That she didn't feel sick to her stomach, that she didn't fear whatever would happen when they started talking to each other.

 _She's not in control_ , Lapis thought, steeling herself for a confrontation.  _Just let her know that...this can't happen any more. You're your own woman._

_Just please God, don't mention Peridot. She doesn't deserve to be drawn into this._

"I'm sorry for not calling or giving you any notice...I was just around, and I thought..."

But Jasper's voice was just white noise, a dim cloud buzzing in the back of her mind. Dread wrestled with resignation in Lapis's skull as they reached her door.

She turned the knob, head down, and gestured for Lapis to make it.

 _You're strong enough to make it through this_ , Lapis told herself.  _She gave Jasper a half-smile as she held the door open for her._

_And if you're not...if, after all this time, you aren't...You deserve whatever's coming to you._

She followed Jasper into the apartment, and locked the door behind them.

* * *

"Lapis, I've been thinking about it, and...Man, this is really hard for me to say."

"Do you want something to drink?"

"Anything but that hot stick juice."

"It's 75 degrees outside, I'm not making artificial coffee, or any coffee..."

"Anyway, let's not piss around about this...Can we sit down?"

Jasper put her hands in the pockets of her jeans and stumbled over to a chair. Lapis looked at Jasper in her black t-shirt and jeans, and shuddered at how attractive she appeared. Then poured out a glass of water, and walked over to her.

Jasper grabbed the water and took a long drink, water spilling down her chin and onto her shirt. Her eyes darted around the apartment.

"Well...first of all, how did your interview go?" She wiped some water away with the back of her hand and rubbed it into her shirt.

 _Did I even tell Jasper about my interview?_  Lapis searched her thoughts, came up blank.  _How else would she know?_

Then she realized she didn't want the answer to that question.

"It went...pretty good," Lapis said flatly. "Pretty sure they're gonna hire me."

"That's great. I'm really happy for you."

Jasper smiled as she said this, but her voice conveyed no enthusiasm. She still seemed nervous, twitching her foot, licking her lips. It made Lapis even more afraid.

"Well...guess I've been meaning to have this talk with you for awhile..." she admitted, looking away from Lapis. "It's...about us."

Lapis felt her chest knot in agony. Her heart started to race, and sweat started to bead on her forehead.

"Listen, I've been thinking about our relationship, and...Lapis, I love you, but I don't think this is gonna work."

Which was totally  **not**  what Lapis was expecting.

Her mouth dropped open in shock. She couldn't bring herself to speak.

"I mean, we've been kinda off-and-on for a long time, and...you're a really special girl, okay. And I like you, and I think you're cool and pretty and you're, like, one of the smartest people I've ever met. If we could make it work, I'd be all for it, even with all the bumps in the road. But..."

And she sighed and yelled, pounding her fist against the table. Making the half-empty water glass jump off the table, and Lapis flinch.

"Sorry," Jasper said, struggling to contain herself.

"Wait a second," Lapis said. "Are you...are you breaking up with me?"

She still couldn't believe it. The whole thing just didn't make sense.

"Guess you could call it that," Jasper said, nodding. "However much we're really together aside from, you know, fucking each other any more."

"I don't believe this," Lapis said out loud. "After all of this time..."

"Lapis, I'm sorry."

"No, I think..." Lapis stood up and paced away, putting her hand against her temple, struggling to make sense of everything. Her chest still knotted up, and now she felt a headache coming on.

_What the hell was this? Some kinda joke?_

_I'd been worrying about breaking up with her, and she pulls this shit on me?_

_There must be a catch._

"Okay, okay," Lapis said, rubbing her hair and pinching the bridge of her nose. She tried to collect herself, turning away from Jasper, her mind a whirl of mixed-up emotions.

"Okay. Let's start here.  **Why**  are you breaking up with me?"

"Babe, if I could give you a reason..."

"Don't call me babe!" Lapis shouted, much louder and angrier than she meant to. She heard Jasper whimper behind her, but still couldn't face her.

"Okay...I don't think we're good for each other."

" **That's**  an understatement," Lapis scoffed. She put her hand on the kitchen counter, just a few inches from the stove where she'd burned herself a few months back. She could still feel the heat on her palm.

"Lapis, please don't be like that," Jasper pleaded. "This is...really hard. You know I'm not good with emotional stuff..."

"No, you can't control your emotions at all," Lapis said.

"That's part of what I mean!" Jasper insisted. "I mean, you know...I can't control my temper, and a lot of times I treat you like shit. When I leave you in the middle of the night or whatever, it's because...I know this is wrong. I know I don't deserve you, and I know that we're not a good fit. It's guilt. It's...I want to be with you. I miss you all the time when we're not together. But I have to think about what's best for both of us."

Lapis still hadn't turned to face her. She could hear Jasper straining in the chair, awaiting her answer.

"Please say something."

Lapis shook her head, fiddled with her hair again and bit on her lip. What could she possibly say?

She chuckled in disbelief.

"Lapis...?"

"I've been agonizing over this for months, you know?" Lapis said. "I can't believe...You think we're wrong together? You think we're bad for each other? How do you think I feel about it?"

"Lapis, I'm trying to..."

Lapis finally turned and faced her. And Jasper immediately shut up.

"All the times you've hurt me," Lapis continued, rubbing her hand. "Physically or...otherwise. All the times you've treated me like a piece of meat. Like some fucking piece of garbage you can fuck and throw around and show off to all your friends. And brag about how you've got some hot chick who's way out of your league to sleep with you."

Jasper silently took the punishment. But Lapis watched her eyes, active and engaged, processing some response.

"And...I agonize over it because...I feel like I deserve it," she continued. "Because I'm a bad person. Because I'm a piece of shit with a broken mind and a useless fucking hobby. That I'm not good for anything except making a bitch like you come. And I'm worried what will happen if we break up...if you're gonna hurt me more! Or if we're gonna...if I'm gonna..."

And she finally lost it, and broke down crying.

Jasper stood up and walked over to her. Gingerly, she patted Lapis on the back.

"Lapis...I'm sorry. I'm sorry, babe. Really, I...Everything you just said is why I'm breaking up with you."

"Bullshit," Lapis choked out between sobs.

"No, it's not. I mean, I'm sure you think I'm a monster, and...hey, I am a lot of the time, all right? But I have feelings. Even monsters can be human, you know. And I realize that I'm hurting you, and that you deserve better."

"That's the thing," Lapis said in a quiet, childlike voice.

"What?"

"I don't feel like I do."

Suddenly Jasper pulled away from Lapis, her face steeled into an angry grimace.

"Don't say that, Lapis. Don't **ever**  say that. You are not a bad person. You aren't any of those things you called yourself. That's why I love you. And that's why...That's why I can't keep seeing you."

Lapis's tears turned to scornful laughter.

"Oh, so this is an act of charity for you, huh?"

"Lapis?"

"Trying to make yourself better. To make yourself seem like you're nobly giving up her beloved so she can be happy."

"Lapis, honest! I'm trying to do the right thing here..."

"Well fuck you!" Lapis screamed, so loud and hard that her voice practically broke.

"The right thing? The right fucking thing? Since when have you ever cared about  **that**?"

"Lapis..." Jasper sounded almost helpless. All her strength and rage seemed to have drained from her body.

"You're the most selfish person I've ever met!" Lapis said, her throat hoarse. "Except me," she added with a rueful chuckle. "Difference is, I don't try making myself out to be a martyr for love..."

"Oh, you don't?" Jasper asked.

Lapis quailed and cringed, recognizing the hint of rage.

She expected her girlfriend to lose her temper as she often did. But instead of that, she spoke in a calm, even but angry tone. Which chilled Lapis more than all the times Jasper had actually exploded on her.

"You make yourself out to be a martyr every fucking time you invite me into your apartment. Every fucking time you call me in the middle of the night begging me to come over. Every time you cry out for me to fuck you, knowing I'm not gonna stick around but because you want something to feel. Every time you bitch about me to your friends about how I'm such an awful ogress. Every time you feel twinges of guilt or beat yourself up over how you let me push you around. Or is it the other way around? Every single fucking time you tell yourself you deserve this, you act like a martyr.

"So don't give me that bullshit. Look, I came over here trying to be the bigger woman and let you down easy. And I'm not lying, I don't think I'm good for you, in any real way. Everything I said before...I meant it. I know I'm a piece of shit.

"But the truth is...Even if I were a better person, being in a relationship with you is fucking exhausting. Never know when you're gonna lose your shit over something small, or when you're gonna attack me for not saying the right thing. Always having to be on call for some kind of desperation booty call, when I'm the most important person in the world until we're through fucking each other and then I'm a piece of shit you want to see the back of. Makes me fucking sick.

"And how do you think I feel about it? How do you think I feel getting fucked around by you? How do you think all that makes me feel? Huh? Do you ever think about that? And that's why I'm breaking up with you...Because I know if you pretended to break up with me...You'd never go through with it. You'd be calling me at four o'clock in the morning asking me to jump into bed with you and lick your fucking pussy raw.

"Because that's you, Lapis. That's all you are. A fucking weak, sad, crazy little bitch too messed up to even know what she wants. Well, hope you figure it out. Because  ***I***  want out."

Lapis just stared at her, quivering with rage and sadness. Jasper's face had grown smug and cold, relishing the chance to vent at her partner.

"Get out," she said quietly.

Jasper smirked.

"Get out," Lapis repeated, her voice still trembling. "Before I throw you out. Before I take that steak knife there and ram it down your fucking throat."

Jasper let out a chuckle and shook her head.

"You crazy little bitch," she repeated.

 _Crazy._   **That**  word.

Without thinking, Lapis rushed forward and punched Jasper in the throat, as hard as she could.

Jasper fell back, sputtering for air, until she collapsed against a wall. She looked at Lapis in shock and fear.

Lapis stepped forward, half wanting to help Jasper up, half wanting to back away in case she lashed out.

Instead, Jasper stood up and shot Lapis a glare of pure hate. Then she growled and slammed her fist against the wall next to Lapis's head. So hard that the walls shook, and her glass fell on the floor, spilling water on the carpet.

She stared Lapis in the eyes for a long moment. Coughed and breathed heavily, trying to regain control of herself. Then tore herself away.

Without another word, she exited the apartment, slamming the door behind her.

* * *

Lapis just stared after her in shock.

She looked down at her fist, seeing that two of her knuckles were bleeding. And she'd broken a nail, though that didn't matter right now.

Slipping back into her fugue state, she wandered into the bathroom. Took off all her clothes, and sat in the shower.

After a few minutes, she turned it on. Water so hot it scalded her skin. But she didn't seem to notice.

She rocked back and forth, numb to everything. Numb to pain. Numb to depression and deaf to her thoughts. Numb to Jasper and deaf to her words. Not crying, not angry, not happy.

Just...wrecked.

Everything wrecked.

She couldn't process what happened. It was too much for her.

Instead, she watched the water go down the drain. Watched the blue dye start to run from her hair, streaking her body and then the shower.

Just vacant. Empty.

Dead.

Wrecked.

And until about half an hour ago, her day had been perfect.

At some point, she must have gone over to her cabinet. But she didn't register the action.

Because when she blinked, there was a razor blade in her hand.

She stared at it dumbly, not sure how it had gotten there. But knowing what it meant.

She started turning it in her hand, regarding the plastic handle, the straight metallic ends, dulled by use, rusted by water, caked with remnants of leg hair and shaving cream.

She forced herself to focus on it. Forced herself.

Because through the fog, she retained just enough consciousness to know what would happen if she lost focus.

* * *

After two hours, Lapis finally decided she was clean enough.

Mechanically she put on a robe and walked back to her room. Collapsed on the bed. Stared at the wall, then looked out the window. Watched the sun slowly set over the horizon, dappling her room in orange and blue and pink.

She tried reading Peridot's manga, but couldn't get into the weird story or art style tonight. Maybe some other time.

She grabbed her second Elena Ferrante book, and numbly leafed through the first chapter or so. She'd just read the protagonist's description of the most melancholy handjob in literary history when she realized this wasn't doing it either.

She felt dead. Empty. Deflated. Too depressed to be sad. Too empty to care.

Nothing mattered. Least of all time.

* * *

Finally, after endless staring, she looked at the clock next to her.

Nearly 10:00 pm.

Figures she'd spend the whole evening moping.

She had just enough energy to stand up and turn on her air conditioner. The rush of cold air felt good against her skin.

And it felt good just to move around.

She threw on a t-shirt and sleeping pants, not that it would matter to anyone but her.

She opened her laptop and saw Peridot had posted a self-affirming status on Facebook.

_"Look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now."_

It took Lapis a moment to recognize it as a  _Hamilton_  lyric. Of course.

Then she thought about their ride in the car together, Peridot singing "Satisfied" with all the reckless ardor of the nerdiest white girl trying to rap.

And she giggled.

And a spark lit in her brain. Thinking about Peridot. Thinking about being happy.

She didn't have any _Hamilton_  songs on her iPod, but other tunes could help her.

She scrolled through her playlist until she hit her choice. And heard the opening guitar licks from her favorite Taylor Swift song.

(Yes, Lapis loved Taylor Swift. And Meghan Trainor, and any number of other vapid pop acts. It was one of her deepest, darkest secrets. Who could imagine a depressed, moody nerdy like her would listen to that instead of Hozier or The Cure?)

"You've got that James Dean, daydream

_"Look in your eyes_

_"And I've got red-lipped classic_

_"Thing that you like_

She danced around and pumped her fists in the air and lip synced along to T-Swizzle's cheesy lyrics and catchy melody.

_"You've got that long hair, slicked back_

_"White t-shirt_

_"And I've got that good girl faith_

_"And a tight little skirt"_

It didn't matter that the song's lyrics might remind her of Jasper, if she thought about it. She never thought about it, though. And certainly not tonight.

_"And when we go crashing down_

_"We come back every time"_

Instead, it reinforced to her that today was a victory after all.

She'd interviewed for a job and landed it on her first try.

She'd finally driven Jasper out of her life. (And  _how_!)

She'd slipped into a suicidal fugue state...and not killed herself.

And now she felt happier than she had earlier.

_"We never go out of style_

_"We never go out of style"_

She stopped dancing when she slipped and hit her knee off the dresser. And hopped over to her bed, watching her knee turn purple and bruise.

But even this didn't bug her.

Instead she thought about how today suddenly seemed...okay.

And she thought about Peridot.

And how she couldn't wait to talk to her again.

 _How lucky we are to be alive right now_ , indeed.


	16. Pearl

Peridot's alarm went off promptly at 8:00. Her tired moan soon drowned out its shrill beeping.

She despised waking up early. Though lately she had few reasons to be awake this early, and sleeping past 9:00 wasn't uncommon.

Which she  _also_  hated, because it meant half the day was over by the time you scraped yourself out of bed. But the prospect of facing another pointless, empty day seemed even worse.

Life was meaningless when you had  **nothing**  to do.

She wiped the drool off her face and slammed the alarm until it fell asleep. Dragged herself to the bathroom, brushed her teeth and took the quickest possible shower. Her hair, naturally, refused all efforts at staying put. So she sprayed it with

She dressed herself, groaning at her potbelly. She wasn't exactly fat, certainly not  _obese_ , but had gained enough weight over the past year to feel self-conscious whenever she dressed or took a shower or thought of Lapis.

She'd managed a trim figure during her days in Capital City...probably slimmer than she'd been in school. But that came naturally when she walked a mile or so to the bus stop every day, and ate a strict regimen of turkey sandwiches and black bean tacos with the occasional salad. Nowadays she ate whatever high calorie, low nutrition meal her parents made, usually pizza or burgers or pasta, and spent most of her days watching TV or arguing on the internet or, more recently, reading.

 _There are worse things than being a little flabby,_  Peridot reminded herself as she slipped on her green polo shirt.  _Like, being unemployed and depressed and living with your parents._

Somehow, that didn't make her feel better. So she slammed down a granola bar for breakfast instead of her standard two bowls of cereal.

Another day, another interview. This one was in Jones Bluff, for a change. The job wasn't too thrilling: an insurance job. The company not dissimilar from the one she'd walked away from in a fit. But she'd be handling claims and not interacting with customers. So when she screwed someone, she wouldn't have to deal with them face to face.

An abstract screwing, if you will.

Besides which, the pay was decent enough, and she wouldn't have to work weekends or overtime. All of which were big incentives.

But then again, wouldn't it chain her to Jones Bluff even more? Pass.

Thinking about that, She really wouldn't mind if she completely tanked this interview. And started thinking of ways to sabotage herself without giving the game away.

 _You stupid clod_ , Peridot told herself, biting her lip as searched for her portfolio.

 _You're thinking like a snotty, lazy little kid again_. _Do you want to be stuck leeching off your parents forever?_

She found her portfolio sitting on the living room and smacked herself on the head. She couldn't even think how it might have gotten there.

_If you're gonna be stuck in this redneck shit hole, you might as well have a job and money while you're here._

_Which would make it easier to escape when you want._

_Which would make it easier to see Lapis._

She looked down and saw a post-it note on top:

_Peridot:_

_Good luck, honey! We're proud of you!_

_Love,_

_Mom and Dad_

Peridot blushed and smirked, even though she was alone.

 _How did I get such gushy, supportive parents?_  she asked herself, grateful and mortified at the same time.

And at least she had the book club tonight. That was...something.

She was about to head out the door when she heard the familiar, shrill beeping from somewhere in the house.

And groaned. _Of course_  I put the fucking alarm to sleep, rather than turning it off.

* * *

"I'm just saying, Pearl, you're a colossal snob and the rest of us aren't. Some of us like watching TV."

"There's nothing wrong with having high standards, Amethyst!"

"Look, I know all you fucking book worms say 'the book is better,' blah blah blah, but it's not always true. I mean, _Jaws_  was based on a book, and the movie was awesome but the book was shit. And that's just one example that I pulled out of my uneducated ass."

"Nobody would mistake _Big Little Lies_  for serious literature..."

"Right! But it's awesome TV! And it wouldn't our time be better spent watching the show now that we're done with the book?"

Peridot watched Pearl and Amethyst go at it like this, amused and bewildered by the intensity of their argument. Though she suspected that books weren't the main cause; that they'd be arguing over favorite movies or types of cheese or brands of underwear with equal intensity.

"Garnet, put some sense into her," Pearl pleaded, looking like she was about to explode.

Garnet shook her head. "Pearl, I actually agree with Amethyst, for once."

"Whaa?"

"First of all, the book wasn't very good. Which is fine, it's not a knock on you personally. But it would be okay if we wrapped up our discussion of it and moved on to something more...fun."

Pearl seemed deflated by her comments. She shrank into herself, looking sad and dejected.

"What I mean is..." Garnet started to apologize. And Amethyst's features softened, clearly shaken at the thought that she'd hurt her friend.

"No, it's fine," Pearl said. "It's just...like, what do you guys  _want_  to read? I thought this would be a good book that wasn't overly challenging but had enough to chew over, like Peridot said-" she gestured helplessly at her new friend, who wanted to intervene but couldn't think of words to say. "But...I just don't know what would be appropriate. It's not like there's a lot of crossover in our literary tastes."

Garnet nodded sympathetically. "Choosing a book by committee is an approach doomed to failure," she said.

"Yeah, man, trying to please everybody ends up not pleasing anyone," Amethyst added. "Even I know that."

A moment of silence, before Peridot jumped in.

"Well...maybe for future meetings, we could try a different approach."

Everyone looked at Peridot, and she felt a stab of nervousness for even suggesting anything.

"Umm, how about instead of trying to find one book everyone likes, maybe we can take turns selecting one? I mean, that way everyone can have a say, and at least one person will like the book we're reading in a given week..."

"That makes sense," Garnet said, folding her arms and smiling.

"Damn Perry, I knew there was a reason we kept you around!" Amethyst enthused.

Pearl was the last one to say anything. She still looked upset and uncertain, but took a deep breath and forced a smile.

"That's a very clever idea," she said, politely but without conviction.

"Then who gets to suggest first?" Amethyst said.

Peridot turned to Pearl, who still looked forlorn.

"How about Pearl?"

"What?" Pearl sputtered.

"I mean, it's only logical," Peridot said, adjusting her glasses. "Pearl is, after all, the one who started this book club, and therefore she should have pride of place in selecting our first book in our new system. After all, she didn't select this book because she thought it was a literary masterpiece, just because she assumed it would be the easiest book for everyone to read and not argue over. I'm guessing that Pearl would select a much better book, left purely to her discretion."

Everyone looked over now to Pearl. And she blushed and smiled again, more sincerely this time.

"Thanks," Pearl said softly.

"What book are you gonna pick?" Garnet asked. "Better be good."

" **Not**  that Watergate shit," Amethyst complained.

"It is not shit, Amethyst," Pearl repeated, causing Garnet to giggle at her friend's profanity. She blushed, then went on:

"I have other ideas, but I'd rather save them for now," she insisted. "Give me some time to see

"Well, I trust you," Amethyst said. "I mean, you are the nerdiest one here. If anyone knows a worthwhile book..."

"Excuse me?" Peridot fumed. "Pearl is the nerdiest one here? I'll have you know that I still collect Pokemon cards."

"Oh right," Amethyst said. "Forgot we crowned you Queen of the Nerds last time you were here."

"An unfortunate oversight," Peridot said with a grin. "But easily corrected."

"Well, now that we've settled the important part," Garnet insisted, reaching for a bottle of wine.

"Let's get  **wasted**."

* * *

Wasted was a matter of perspective. The cheap wine they bought was enough to make everyone tipsy and lightheaded, but not exactly drunk (unless you guzzled it like Amethyst did). Still, buzzed was better than nothing, and Peridot found herself relaxing for a change as they watched the first few episodes of _Big Little Lies_.

"I would so totally bone Nicole Kidman, you guys," Amethyst insisted. "Even at her age."

"She's not  _that_  old," Pearl complained.

"Well, by Hollywood standards she is," Amethyst said, belching.

The two devolved into another silly argument about the bangability of the show's cast. While Peridot and Garnet engaged in slightly more constructive conversation.

"You had another job interview today, right?" Garnet asked.

"Yep."

"How'd it go?"

"Fine."

"Good fine, or 'I don't wanna talk about it' fine?"

"Good fine. I mean, it's not my dream job, but...it's better than nothing. And I'm probably qualified for it. If I can keep myself under control..."

"No reason you can't. That's the one you were telling me about, right?"

"Yeah."

"No overtime or weekends sounds pretty sweet to me."

"Compared to other jobs, yes."

"And the pay isn't bad."

"Sure."

"Worst thing at a job like that is becoming bored."

"Blech."

"Well, boredom is better than freaking out."

"I guess so."

Peridot downed another glass of wine and felt the alcohol rushing to her head. She steadied herself on the arm of the chair.

"Are Pearl and Amethyst always like this?" she asked, casting side eye at their friends, who had somehow segued into a discussion of various John Green books.

"Oh, this is nothing," Garnet assured her. "They will find any reason to argue about anything. Once they spent an hour arguing over whether mechanical pencils or pens were a better writing instrument."

"I don't understand how they even manage to be in the same room together," Peridot admitted. "Sorry, is that the alcohol talking? Or am I always this blunt?"

"Maybe, but that's not a bad question to ask. I dunno. Amethyst and Pearl have known each other for a long time, and they act like two sisters who can't agree on anything. It's kinda funny."

"I guess," Peridot muttered. "Just hope they don't wind up killing each other. Or dragging me into it."

She took another sip, and felt the tiniest twinge of anxiety spark in her brain. A bead of sweat on her forehead, a stab of apprehension in her chest.

She hoped she could keep it together, and not let the endless, asinine arguments phase her too much.

"It's pretty simple," Garnet explained, surveying her friends with the detached air of a Discovery Channel narrator. "Amethyst is very insecure and always combative. She gets really pissed off if anyone threatens. Pearl's...I don't want to violate confidence, so I won't go into the gory details, but...she's had some turmoil in her personal life over the past few months. So this book club means a lot to her, and she tends to get really defensive about anything book-related."

"Oh." Peridot didn't feel like saying more.

 _Great job, you clod,_  she chastised herself.  _You hurt the feelings of one of the few people on this planet willing to tolerate you._

"She'll get over it," Garnet assured her, as if reading her thoughts.

Peridot wasn't so sure. So she kept her mouth shut and took another sip of wine.

But instead of making her feel better, it made her feel even worse.

* * *

"Well Peridot, thanks for coming over," Pearl said as she began cleaning up. "I'm just amazed that Amethyst didn't spill anything tonight, given how much she was drinking...

"Haha, yeah," Peridot laughed uneasily.

She was, as usual, the last one to leave. Garnet had walked Amethyst upstairs; she was clearly in no condition to stagger up several flights of stairs. And Peridot was within walking distance of her home.

Still, the feeling that she'd hurt Pearl lingered, and kept her from leaving. Or maybe it was the alcohol sitting weirdly on her stomach.

"Pearl...before I go, can we talk?" she asked tentatively.

"Uh...sure." Pearl seemed a little surprised, a little flustered. But then, she  _always_  seemed flustered when Peridot spoke to her.

"Listen...I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't want it to seem like I was taking away the book club from you or anything..."

"Don't worry about it," Pearl said, still smiling, though her words didn't carry particular conviction.

"I mean, I know it's not my place to suggest things..."

"Peridot, no," Pearl said, gently. "It's not that, it's just...I think you guys were right. I tried to think about what everybody wants instead of something that people might actually enjoy. That was actually a very astute observation on your part. And I'm sure it will make these gatherings of ours more enjoyable."

"Yeah, but...look, I dunno if it's just my anxiety talking or if it's the booze or what. But it's so...I like having friends. And you know how hard it is for me to meet people. And I don't want to, you know, push anyone away from me..."

"You're worried about that?" Pearl said, genuinely surprised. "Peridot, don't be."

"Ugh. I'm still trying to turn my life around, and I feel like it's all I can keep to do from screaming."

"Screaming isn't the most productive way of dealing with your problems," Pearl lectured. "But sometimes it can help."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I've been where you are. I'm originally from Beach City, and I moved to this town...to chase a job. Well, a bit more than that."

She leaned forward, clasping her hands together. Not sure how much she trusted to confide in Peridot.

"A girl named Rose," she said.

Peridot nodded, understanding.

"She meant everything to me," Pearl muttered as she walked over to a bookshelf. "And I...gave up my life in Beach City to be with her."

"What did you do there?"

Pearl sighed. "Mostly just puttering around...I was a young kid just out of college, with no job, no place, nothing to do...kinda like you now, I guess."

"I thought we were the same age," Peridot interrupted.

"Hmm. Well, I'll be thirty in December...So I won't be able to consider myself young any more."

"Thirty's way too young to give up on life, Pearl," Peridot assured her.

Pearl smiled. "Nice of you to say, but I certainly don't feel that way."

Peridot frowned.

"Well, I met Rose and...I remember that night so well. I was so shy and hated meeting people, but my sister convinced me to go to some party for recent college grads. And we met there and...well, it was kind of a natural connection. Or at least, it was on my end..."

She went over to a shelf and pulled down a small picture of her and Rose together. A plump redhead with the sweetest, warmest smile Peridot had ever seen.

"You know, it takes a very special person to bring me out of my shell...And Rose was that person. She showed me things about myself I never knew existed."

Peridot noticed Pearl staring starry-eyed into the distance. And found it a little discomforting, as if Rose were a dream or a myth rather than a person. Peridot decided to gently bring Pearl back to Earth.

"What was she? I mean, what did she do?"

"What  **didn't**  she do?" Pearl cooed. Then broke out of her trance, realizing what Peridot had meant, and flushed.

"Umm...she never told me," Pearl admitted hesitantly, fidgeting with her hands. "Well, she told me that she was an artist, and she did a lot of paintings and things...But I never knew if she made any money off of it, or not. Or if that was her day job, I mean."

"Wait. So she was an artist...and she lived  _here_?" Peridot couldn't believe that.

"She lived in Beach City then," Pearl corrected her. "But she got a job in Jones Bluff and moved out here. She invited me to come along, saying that she'd help me find work and let me stay with her, and...how could I say no?"

"Was that how you got the library job?"

Pearl nodded. "She knew the manager of the library and learned they were hiring people, and...Well, with my background I was a natural fit. It was a job that required organization and neatness and intelligence...plus, it didn't require me to interact with people in more than a cursory fashion, which certainly helped."

"Oh man, you just sold  **me**  on a library career!" Peridot laughed.

"Better than McDonald's," Pearl said.

"Or a call center," Peridot interrupted.

"Hmm. But yeah, for awhile I was happy with her...We did so much together that was just fun. Sometimes we'd go out in the countryside on long walks and not come back until after dark. Sometimes we'd go out to movies or visit amusement parks. Sometimes we'd even go up to Capital City and meet with her bohemian artist friends and talk about philosophical nothings for hours on end."

She sighed wistfully.

"Then...what happened?" Peridot asked gently.

Pearl stopped herself and sat on her bed, looking down. Then she said, with a voice heavy with regret, frustration and disbelief:

"Turned out she was with someone else."

Peridot's mouth dropped open. "Wow."

"Yeah."

"Someone you knew?"

"Not really. He was a musician..."

"Wait...she was with a  **guy**?"

"I guess she was bi, or pan, or whatever," Pearl said. "Never asked for details. Didn't matter. Because whatever Rose was...I wasn't. I only cared about her."

"I'm sorry," Peridot sympathized. "I mean, I've been there..."

"Well, she told me that she'd been seeing this guy, Greg..." She sighed heavily.

"Man, this is really, really heavy." Pearl buried her head in her hands and rubbed her hair for a long time.

"And she had a kid..." Her voice practically broke.

"And they were getting back together..."

She seemed on the verge of tears.

"Wow. That is really shitty of her," Peridot said. Pearl shot her a scornful glare, and Peridot instantly swallowed her words.

"I'm sorry."

"No, you're not wrong. It's just...God, how could I have been so stupid!?"

"Well, you needed a connection," Peridot said soothingly. "Someone offered you kindness and...you took it. There's nothing wrong with that."

"Nothing wrong with that," Pearl repeated emptily. "Unless she's married to someone else."

Peridot swallowed a loud, anguished gulp and sat down.

"Jesus..."

"So she and Greg got back together, and left me by myself. With no friends or connections or any reason to be here. Just a job and this apartment. And no reason to live."

She left that thought hang heavily there. And Peridot felt a pang of sympathy.

"Well...you have this book club," Peridot offered. Then winced as she realized how lame that sounded.

Pearl scoffed. "Sure. When you don't even like the books I pick, that means  **so**  much..."

"That's not true," Peridot said. "I mean, no one  _hated_  the book you picked..."

That sounded lame too. And Pearl clearly didn't feel better. So Peridot tried another track.

"Pearl, I'm new here, but I'm not here for the books. I'm here because you ladies are...well, a bit strange for me. But I like that you've accepted me for no reason other than I wanted to join. I mean, that matters. We're friends. And friends matter. Connections matter."

Pearl looked down in surprise as Peridot placed one hand on hers. 

"Guess you're right," Pearl admitted, though her voice seemed empty. She rubbed Peridot's hand back and allowed a smile to creep on her face.

"You know the funny part? Rose didn't even stay with Greg."

"What?"

"Rose didn't even stay with Greg."

Peridot suddenly flushed with anger. "Are you kidding me?"

"No...she left Greg for someone else. Or at least that what he said. I guess they couldn't make it work."

"That's really...wow."

"And it's not like Greg's a bad person or anything, it's just hard not to resent...you know...what happened."

Peridot couldn't think of anything to say. 

"But the really funny part is that Rose left their kid with Greg."

"Well,  _that_  figures," Peridot said, rolling her eyes.

Wondering what Pearl could have ever seen in this bitch. But then remembering that she never met her, never saw what Pearl saw, and stayed herself from saying more. 

"And that kid...well, I resented him at first. Immensely. But when he got older he started visiting me at the library. Because he remembered that I was his mom's...special friend. And treated me like his friend, even though I'm however many years older than him. Almost like a big sister. He'd ask me for recommendations and tell me about whatever books he'd read that week...and then he just started hanging out to be friendly. And it meant so much."

Peridot didn't say anything, but she soon realized who Pearl was talking about. 

"And, you know what? He's so guileless and kind that I fell for him. He's everything good about Rose, and none of the bad. Or he's too young to show the bad, at least. And...it made things easier. It gave me a reason to stay here. To not give up. To feel like I mattered."

Pearl seemed on the verge of tears. But she managed to control herself. 

"Steven was the one who came up with the idea for this book club," Pearl said. Though by now, it seemed like stating the obvious. "And helped me meet Amethyst and Garnet, who are, like, my only two friends here...So, I guess Rose did leave a positive impact, after all." 

"Well...he brought us together, too," Peridot said. "For what little that might be worth."

Pearl blushed and chuckled softly. The two women clasped hands for a moment, both feeling a little better at making a new connection. 

"Well, I should be going," Peridot said. "Sorry to keep you."

"Not at all," Pearl said, showing the same pained smile as before. "Sometimes it helps to...to get some stuff out of your system. Thanks."

"Thanks for having me, Pearl," Peridot said, feeling a little awkward now. Not least because thoughts of her own relationships, her own loneliness and attempts at connections started playing through her mind.

 _Lapis needs to know,_  she decided. _Next time needs to count._

As Peridot went to leave, she looked back at Pearl, who remained her bed staring at her hands, deep in thought. 

Then she closed the door. 


	17. Character

**June**

Driving to Capital City, Peridot felt the usual flush of excitement and tension.

Every time she saw Lapis, it became a question of where their relationship stood, how much they liked each other, and what they'd do about it. Especially after last time.

She hoped for the best. Expected the worst. Worried that if she said the wrong thing, made the wrong move, that it would be  _over_.

That the relationship she cherished most would implode, leaving her with nothing.

 _Especially_  with the exciting news she had to share! Especially since, for once, she'd decided to dress up beyond a polo shirt, wearing a nice green blazer with a dress shirt.

But when she actually  _met_  Lapis that day, it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

Because Lapis, first of all, hadn't dressed up. She was usually the stylish one, the one who put together an actual outfit.

But today she'd lazily thrown on a blue-and-white striped top with khaki cargo pants. And she was letting her hair grow out again; it was long enough, now, to be scraggly but not even, a mess of blue and black hair. Clearly she needed a touch up.

The two goggled at each other, then burst into laughter at the mismatch. It was so  _them_.

Which put Peridot instantly at ease.

Then Lapis greeted her, not just with their customary awkward hug, but with a kiss.

Which was, itself, awkward, if only because Peridot didn't expect it. The quickest brush of lips against each other. Then Lapis turned away for a moment, as if she'd made a mistake, not really allowing Peridot to return the favor.

Which was still enough to make Peridot shiver down to her toes. To make her blush redder than a beet.

And Lapis smiled and blushed in return. Which told Peridot it was alright.

After that, what they did scarcely seemed to matter.

* * *

"So how's the book business going?"

"It's...all right. It's very slow this time of year...Sapphire says most of our clientele are college kids, and there aren't many around in the summer. So we sell some to hipsters and college professors."

"What a fun crowd."

"You laugh, but it's better than dealing with the dreaded General Public."

"Oh, I have no doubt."

They dined at the same British-themed restaurant as before. No soccer hooligans this time, though it was still packed and loud with '80s New Wave music, while the girls were crammed into a small side booth. Both Lapis and Peridot ordered a chipped beef sandwich; Lapis liked it, Peridot wasn't a fan, though she still enjoyed the fries.

"Did you ever finish the Ferrante book?" Lapis asked between bites.

"Yeah, I did."

"What did you think?" She leaned forward expectantly, her eyes daring Peridot to offer an unlearned criticism.

"Well...I liked it," Peridot answered cautiously. "A bit slow, and it took awhile for the story to get going..."

"Yeah, I think you're right. I'm reading the second book right now, and it's a lot better."

"I imagine that the characters would be more interesting grown up than as kids."

"Definitely. And it's easier to sort out the protagonists and the background once you're kinda immersed in the world."

"Hmm. That's kinda how I feel whenever I start reading a graphic novel, or comic book, or..."

Lapis giggled. "Yeah, sort of."

"That better not be a  _patronizing_  giggle," Peridot warned. Though she wasn't really upset by it.

"Not at all! It's just...I hadn't thought of that way. But yeah! I mean, what's the saying? The past is a foreign country. They do things differently there."

"Never heard that one."

"It's from a book called  _The Go-Between_. Read it, like, a million years ago. I remember it involved a romance with some English people and a kid was involved and...not my favorite novel ever. But I liked that line. It really stayed with me."

"Well, it's a good quote. Especially if we're dealing with Italy...Like I said, though, all those Vittorio De Sica films I watched in school paid off."

"Man, I don't know how you could stand those," Lapis rolled her eyes. "They're so fucking  **dreary**."

"Well, they capture life as it was right after the most destructive war in world history," Peridot said. "You shouldn't expect them to be  _cheerful_ , Lapis."

"Hmm. Guess you're right."

"Picking up the pieces of fascism wasn't pretty, after all..."

"...Well, God help all of  _us_ , then."

Peridot snorted. "You said it, not me."

Silence as the waitress arrived with refills. Then Lapis leaned forward, grinning mischievously.

"Well...there is one thing I really love about the bookstore."

"What's that?"

"Sapphire. She's such a great boss to work for, and she's so nice and friendly and patient. Doesn't care if I show up a few minutes late or have to leave early. Though really, I avoid that when I can. Because she has a partner named Ruby who...doesn't take kindly to that."

"Well, that's cool. Better than those awful bitches you worked for before."

"And if you can believe it, she's an even bigger book nerd than me!"

"That is not possible," Peridot declared skeptically.

"If you met her, you'd see what I mean. But that's not the only reason why she's cool."

Peridot sensed a story, so she sat rapt at attention, waiting Lapis to spill. It took Lapis a moment, whether from nervousness or conscious suspense-building, she couldn't tell.

"Well...turns out Sapphire, on top of everything else...has a lot of interesting connections."

Peridot nodded, urging her to go on. Lapis took a sip of her drink before continuing.

 _Stop drawing out the suspense, woman,_  Peridot urged her silently.

"Turns out that she has a little sister named Padparadscha that I went to college with. She's a sweet girl, but she has...a developmental condition. Kinda weird how it manifested itself. She would take a few seconds longer than anyone else to answer a question or express a thought, and sometimes it was awkward, especially when there was a group of people. But yeah, you don't forget someone like that.

"Anyway...One day we were about to close-up shop when someone came in looking for a book. I looked up and guess who it was? Aquamarine."

"Holy  **shit**." Peridot leaned forward; she hadn't been expecting  _that_.

"So we stared at each other from, like, three feet away. Horror and disbelief. And, like, neither of us bothered to hide it. If there wasn't a desk between us, I probably would have killed her."

"There  **are**  projectile weapons, you know," Peridot said dryly.

"I guess. But what happened next was much more satisfying."

Another drawn out silence. Finally, Peridot exploded.

"Gah! Enough suspense, woman!" she said, waving her arms. "Tell me what happened."

"Okay, okay," Lapis said, clearly amused that she'd pushed Peridot's buttons. "Sorry, I just wanted to set the scene."

"Are you telling me an anecdote or performing some Greek tragedy?"

"Maybe a little of both," Lapis said darkly. "Shall I continue, or do you want to bitch some more?"

"I could do either," Peridot continued. "But you may continue if you wish."

Lapis grabbed the paper from her straw and flicked it at Peridot's head. It landed in her food.

" **Anyway** ," Lapis continued, rolling her eyes. "So  _that_  happened, and then Sapphire came out to see what happened and she recognized Aquamarine immediately. Dunno if Aquamarine recognized her or not; she was just too stunned from my being there. So we started going through the motions of buying her book, when Sapphire grabbed it and examined the cover.

"'This is a second edition printing of  _The Color Purple_ ,' she said. 'Very rare.' And Aquamarine did her usual obnoxious thing where she smiled and batted her eyelashes and acted all coy and appreciative and said, 'Yes, I'm so impressed that you have it! It's been so hard to find.' Ugh! I wanted to hit her."

"Yeah yeah, she's awful. Then what happened?"

"Whoa Perry, you run out of patience _already_?"

" **TELL ME**!"

"Okay, okay! Well, Sapphire looked at the book again and then at Aquamarine and her faced curled up into this really mischievous smile. And she said something like, 'Unfortunately, there's one problem.' And Aquamarine looked at me, like I'd done something, and demanded: 'What's that?'

"And Sapphire slammed the book on the desk and said: 'We have a strict policy of not selling rare books to bitches.'"

Peridot's mouthed dropped open. "Holy..."

"It was, like, time stood still. Like in one of those bad sitcoms. Aquamarine just stood there and stared. Her mouth dropped open...kinda like yours. And I just stared, looking back and forth between Sapphire, who had this gloriously beatific, satisfied smile on her face, and Aquamarine, who looked like Sapphire had just strangled her dog or something...It was so fucking

"And then I burst out laughing. And I doubled over and collapsed, right there in front of both of them. I fell behind the desk and couldn't get up for like five minutes. And by the time I did, Aquamarine, needless to say, had gone."

"Wow."

"I talked to Sapphire, who hadn't moved and was still smiling. And she said, 'Well, I didn't expect to see _her_  in here,' without breaking her expression. And I asked what she meant. Couldn't remember if I'd told her that Aquamarine was the one who..."

Lapis collected herself, grinning at the memory. She was too pleased to notice Peridot's renewed annoyance.

"Lazuli, I appreciate that you're trying to be dramatic..."

"Huh? Oh, right. Well, she told me that...Aquamarine knew Padparadscha. You know, Sapphire's sister. They went to high school together or something. But Padparadscha had those problems with her speech and they were, apparently, even worse when she was a teenager. And so she got bullied all the time."

"Oh, wow. So Aquamarine..."

"Oh, it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out she was a colossal cunt in high school, too. I mean, everyone is, pretty much, but...She pretended to be Paddy's friend, and even took her out for dinner one night, and then...Well, she humiliated her in front of the whole high school."

"...That is fucking low."

"Yeah. Sapphire didn't really get into details. She wasn't there when it happened, I guess, and I don't know if Paddy could tell her. But there was an assembly or something where they were both onstage, and Aquamarine did something to mock her. Make her look like a dummy. Which she isn't dumb at all! She's just...a little off. But whatever she did, Paddy wouldn't talk at all for several days afterward."

Peridot felt enraged herself, wishing the short little woman was there so she could pound her with her tiny nerd fists. But she managed to tamp it down into her stomach.

"Well, it sounds like refusing her service was the least you could have done to her..." she offered.

Lapis smiled and bit her lip. "Well, that's just the overture."

Peridot sighed again. Lapis snickered, then continued.

"So I told her about my history with her, and Sapphire listened. Somehow, she didn't act surprised at all. Almost seemed like she was expecting it. So she told me, 'Well, I'll take care of her,' and we started locking up for the day.

"So I went home worried that she would send Ruby to kill Aquamarine, or shove her in front of a bus, or something like that. And I spent the next couple of days scanning newspapers looking for reports of a murder. Well, I didn't find out that way...but I received a phone call a few days later from my old boss, Mrs. Diamond. Like, my _big_  boss."

Peridot stared at her, incredulous. "Um, at the library?"

Lapis nodded. "Yeah? Can you believe it? She called me out of the blue, so to speak. And she offered me my old position back."

Peridot didn't know what to say.

"She said that Sapphire...I mean, small fucking world! Sapphire was a friend of hers from years ago...Apparently they knew each other when Sapphire was in school or something. Blue Diamond was a professor or...It wasn't clear. But anyway, Mrs. Diamond said Sapphire had called her and told her the situation with me and Aquamarine and Holly. And you know what? She fired both of them!"

"Holy **shit** ," Peridot said again. "That's amazing."

Lapis nodded. "Mrs. Diamond was very apologetic, because she felt that the two of them had screwed her out of a perfectly good employee. And she offered me my old job."

"Did you take it?"

"Hell, yeah! I mean, I was a little angry she didn't offer me the promotion that Aquamarine received but...Well, it was a start. And both of those awful, horrible women were gone and...knowing the library world the way I do, they'd probably be blackballed from here to Timbuktu."

She looked at Peridot, feeling an incongruous twinge of guilt. "Maybe it's mean to feel that way," she admitted. "I mean, wishing they'd never get a job again. But after what they did to me..."

Peridot clasped her hand and smiled.

"Those bitches deserved it," she assured Lapis.

"But yeah," Lapis continued. "I jumped at the chance to get my job back. I just had to figure out how to tell Sapphire. I mean, how do you walk away from somebody who did that for you? But she just told me: 'You'll get better money, and you'll be happier there. And that's what matters.' And I smile at her and give her the most bone-crushing hug imaginable. So I start back at the library next week.

"I mean...can you  _imagine_? Someone sticking their neck out for you and doing something like...I mean _, wow_!

Her eyes sparkled with joy, then she sunk into a more pensive mode.

"It's just...I'd completely lost faith in people. Like, was starting to worry that life was pointless and the world was shit and that there weren't any decent human beings left in this world...present company excepted, of course."

Peridot did a self-deprecating wave and muttered something inaudible.

"And then something like  **that**  happens and..."

And Lapis bent down and sobbed a few times. She never did finish her sentence.

Peridot grabbed her arm and clasped it. She kissed the back of Lapis's hand. The blue-head seemed startled, then looked up at Peridot with a grateful smile.

 _God, you're fucking beautiful,_  Peridot thought.

Lapis swallowed another sob, then turned back to her friend.

"So...did you ever hear back from your last job interview?"

Peridot smirked. "Well...yes, they called me the other day, and told me they wanted to hire someone with more experience."

"Bummer," Lapis sympathized. She swirled a french fry round in her now-congealed gravy.

"Well...I'd feel bad about it...except that I was offered a position somewhere else."

Peridot smiled, though it seemed more guarded than genuinely enthusiastic.

"Wow, that's great!" Lapis said. "That's awesome!"

"I don't know if it's awesome," Peridot said. "I mean, it's that medical billing company I mentioned awhile back, so it's not like it would be super boffo fun."

"Hmm. Well, beats unemployment."

"I suppose. Not that different from my last job."

Lapis seemed confused. "But...you said you wouldn't have to deal with customers."

"That's true."

"And, like, no overtime."

"Yeah, no overtime."

"Pay's decent?"

"Yeah, $10/hour starting. Which isn't bad for Jones Bluff."

Lapis frowned. "Then, with all due respect Perry...what the fuck is wrong with that?"

"Huh?"

"Look, I know I'm one to talk but...like, this is a huge win for you. Sounds like a job with decent benefits and minimal stress. I mean, boredom maybe, but you can handle that."

Peridot grumbled, then took a long sip of water before continuing.

"I'm not  _un_ happy about it," she insisted, though her expression and the water running down her chin suggested otherwise. "It's just...this seems like a lateral move, you know? All this time and misery and I'm back in the same industry I just left. Only...at home, with my parents. And that's..."

She sighed.

"I know I'm being a clod," she continued. "I know I should be happy. But...It's hard, you know? And who knows if this will work out, anyway? I have so much experience with things not working out. I mean, I'm really, really happy for you, so it's not like I'm  **jealous** " (though Lapis sensed, from the very fact that she brought it up, Peridot was lying) "but why do I have to settle? I don't know...It's because I'm weak."

"Well...I still say it's better than unemployment," Lapis said. "Like, I'm not gonna tell you not to feel the way you feel. You can't help that. But at the same time...try to look at it from this perspective. You've been out of work for over a year. You left work because of a medical issue. You had to make a hard decision and move back home. Give up everything you wanted because you had to make a clean break. And now you're trying to.

"I mean, honestly? That sounds like shit. But I don't think it means you're weak. I think it means...you're brave. And that you have character. I mean, you weren't just lounging around for fun. You were looking for work and doing things to keep yourself occupied. I mean, all those articles you wrote...like, they're not gonna win a Pulitzer or anything, but they showed that you didn't wanna just be a bum. You're a good person, who wants to succeed.

"And...I don't know. Now you have a job again. Not a great job, maybe. Not gonna solve everything in your life. But it's a step in the right direction. And it's the first step towards being the you you want to be.

"And," she reminded Peridot. "It means you have  _money_. And you still have weekends off. And that means that you'll be able to come up here more often."

They locked hands again.

Peridot trembled and let out a quiet squeak, realizing what Lapis just said. Her face remained serious while Lapis assumed a smile.

"God, you're beautiful." This time, she said it out loud.

Lapis blushed and giggled again.

"You're not so bad looking yourself," she said. "And you are  _way_  cute."

"Cute?" she said. "Well, maybe. But I don't feel like being cute. I feel like...Things that are NC-17 rated right now."

"Well, maybe tonight..." Lapis suggested.

Still  _maybe_. But she'd take it.

"Well, at the very least you need to let me come over to your place," Peridot insisted.

"Oh, it's a date," Lapis said, snatching a fry off Peridot's plate and munching it.

"Blech. Mushy."

And she spit the cold potato into a napkin, wiping off her tongue.

"Of course," Peridot said, fiddling with her glasses, "that will be pleasant, cot or otherwise. But the main reason is..."

And she smirked as Lapis leaned in, her face quizzical. It was her time to pause for effect.

"I haven't told you my  _real_  news yet."


	18. Perfect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter!

Peridot's problem with summer wasn't the heat or the humidity, but the long days. She liked the sun to go down so she could go about her nocturnal pursuits with a minimum of guilt. But now the sky remained bright until 9:00, telling her she needed to go outside and do something.

Fortunately, being with Lapis made it easier. They could walk through the neighborhood looking at stores and restaurants. And the streets were empty enough that she didn't mind. Even the slight drizzle didn't mind her, since it added a nice, neon cloudiness to the lights around her. Positively romantic.

She watched Lapis, talking to Peridot yet her mind clearly elsewhere. Watched the droplets festooning the skin of her neck and shoulders and her hair. Felt a chill down her own back as her nervousness returned.

Tried to bore her way into Lapis's mind, to see what she was thinking. Whether she was thinking the same thing she was.

"Fortunately, the school year's over," Lapis said, looking down the street. A distant expression on her face.

"The number of drunken students is at a minimum," she said.

"That's a relief," Peridot added, though she saw a vagrant handing out flowers to a couple younger kids on the corner up ahead.

"Grad students tend to get drunk in the privacy of their own homes," Lapis said. "I can speak from experience."

"I'll bet," Peridot said. "Man, you always make grad school sound miserable."

"You have  _no_  idea."

Still that thousand yard stare.

What was going  **on**? They'd been having so much fun at the restaurant, and now Lapis seemed so faraway.

The chill in Peridot's spine turned into a rock in her stomach. Why couldn't she just have one night with Lapis go off without any awkwardness?

"Oh my God!" Lapis suddenly came to life and rushed forward. Peridot turned and saw a blonde woman in a blue dress, holding hands with a shorter woman dressed in red.

"Sapphire!" Lapis called.

"Fancy running into you, Lapis!" Sapphire greeted. "I predict you'll wanna get out of this rain."

"Eventually," Lapis chuckled. "Ruby, how are you doing?"

Ruby forced a smile. "Oh, it's going," she choked out.

"But...I didn't ask you how it's going..."

"Ruby's not the best in social situations," Sapphire apologized.

"That's an understatement," Ruby murmured, blushing and looking down.

"Well, are you gonna introduce us to your friend?" Sapphire prodded. Lapis had almost forgotten Peridot was there.

"Oh! Uh, yeah. This is, uh..."

"Peridot," Peridot said, reaching forward to shake hands. "Peridot Forster."

"Oh!" Sapphire said. "So  **you're**  the famous Peridot."

"Dunno about famous," she said. Then she added wryly: "Yet." And winked at Lapis.

"Yeah, you're the writer?" Sapphire asked.

"Oh yeah, the nerd," Ruby said. "The one who likes all that manga and comic books and shit."

"I would not call it shit," Peridot grumbled.

"Sorry, I guess that came out wrong," Ruby replied. "I actually like comic books and stuff. Superheroes are my jam...just, you know, the cool ones. We'll have to, you know, chat some time."

Peridot raised an eyebrow and smiled. "Sure thing."

"Well, Lapis has told us a lot about you," Sapphire said. "You're the one who writes about  _Camp Pining Hearts_ , right?"

"That's one of many topics I write about," Peridot corrected, fidgeting with her glasses like she always did when she wanted to appear extra-smart. "But yes, I have spent a lot of time thinking and writing about the brilliance that is the original series. And none at all," she added pointedly, "about the remake."

"I think the remake's cute," Ruby said. Her voice carrying a little threat. Whether of a heated fangirl argument or actual violence, Peridot couldn't be sure.

Still, Peridot flashed her a murderous look, but Lapis put a hand on her shoulder. She shot her a look saying:  _not worth it_.

"You are...entitled to your opinion," Peridot said through clenched teeth. Ruby nodded, apparently satisfied.

"Anyway...Lapis has told me what you did for her," Peridot said, eager to change the topic. "Have to say that was...pretty awesome of you."

Sapphire smiled. "Hey, it's my pleasure. It's only what Aquamarine deserves."

"She's just lucky I didn't murder her," Ruby growled.

Sapphire nodded. "And what  _Lapis_  deserves," she said, gesturing to her former employee.

"True, Lapis  **is**  pretty incredible." Why deny it?

Next to her, Lapis blushed with the fury of a million suns. Sapphire saw this and giggled.

"Well, we have some plans for tonight," Sapphire said, clenching Ruby's hand. "Maybe some other time we can get together...if that's all right."

"Sure," Ruby said, eyeing Peridot menacingly. "I'd love to continue our conversation about Camp Pining Hearts sometime."

Peridot gulped and shot a thumbs up. "Umm, looking forward to it."

"Bye."

"Bye," Lapis spurted out. She hadn't stopped blushing.

When the twosome were out of sight, Lapis smacked Peridot on the back of the head.

"Hey!"

"You little dork!" Lapis cried. "Making me look like a loser in front of Sapphire!"

"Well, I'm sorry I didn't say you were a miserable pathetic wretch!" Peridot said. "But you're not. You are incredible."

Lapis smiled, her features a little softer. "Really?"

Peridot relaxed enough to smile.

"Awesome, even," she replied.

Lapis punched her on the shoulder, playfully. Peridot winced, then looked up and saw the light of a thousand electric signs reflecting off Lapis. A whole galaxy dancing in the raindrops and her eyes, making Peridot weak in the knees.

She licked her lips and moaned, that same weird noise she always made when words wouldn't suffice.

Lapis smiled quizzically, then clutched Peridot's left arm, pulled her close and smooched her on the cheek. Then she added her usual rejoinder:

"Weirdo."

* * *

They made it back to the apartment, still a little wet but not noticeably so. Lapis made tea ("not that gross stick juice!" Peridot moaned) and they sat drinking and unwinding, working up the nerve to be honest with each other.

Naturally enough, Lapis steered the conversation towards books.

"So, how did the book club go?"

"It got a little heated at the last one. But we finished  _Big Little Lies_ , and it...wasn't great. It sucked, actually. But you were right about the miniseries."

"Much better," Lapis agreed. "Now what are you guys reading?"

"Well,  **per**  my brilliant suggestion, we're gonna take turns selecting books. That way, we can all be sure that at least one of us likes what we're reading."

"Makes sense."

"Yeah. Pearl decided to pick one that she really liked rather than using her strained personal algorithm geared towards the lowest common denominator. Fortunately, she picked  _Gone Girl_."

"Wow."

"I know, right?"

"Yeah. It's pretty obvious book club material."

"Well, so was our last book..."

"True. And at least it's a lot better than that shit show."

"I mean, I've seen the movie. I never saw much need to read the book after that, but..."

"The book has some nuances the film misses," Lapis notes. "Like, the portrayal of Nick is...but I shouldn't spoil it."

"Spoil it?" Peridot scoffed. "Why not? You can be like my study guide."

"More like a cheat sheet."

"Whatever. Anyway, I think this arrangement works better. And, I mean, they're a cool bunch of women who don't judge me. And...that's not a small thing."

"Yeah. I mean, that's why I get along with Sapphire. She's so...nonjudgmental. At least until you hurt someone she cares about."

"She seemed really cool. That Ruby's a ball of fire, though."

"She's nice, just kinda shy and...socially awkward."

" **I'm**  shy and socially awkward."

"Sure, but...that's not really a counter-argument."

"I beg your pardon."

"Seriously, Peridot. You get worked up and lash out all the time."

"Only about important things."

"Like the honor of the original  _Camp Pining Hearts_."

"Exactly. Lazuli, you're **finally**  catching on."

The girls shared a laugh, then looked admiringly at each other over their tea glasses.

"Well, just wait until it's my turn to pick the book," Peridot continued, rubbing her hands together. "Then I'll force them to read  _Azumanga Daioh_."

"Ha!" Lapis rolled her eyes. "Crystal Gems, look out. You've officially been out-nerded. By a weeb of all things."

"I've already been anointed their Number One nerd," Peridot insisted. "And believe me, that's no small achievement."

This manga talk reminded Peridot of something she'd been dying to ask.

"That reminds me...What did you think of  _Utena_? Did you ever finish it?"

"Oh, uh...yeah," Lapis said nervously. "It's...boy, how could I put it? It's not my cup of tea."

Peridot's face fell, making Lapis feel guilty.

"I mean, no offense," she sputtered, flush with embarrassment. "I mean, I can totally see why you like it. There's a lot of neat stuff about gender roles and the importance of self-actualization in there. It's just...the manga style does nothing for me. I'm sorry."

"Well...at least you gave it a chance," Peridot said. Though her friend's lack of enthusiasm clearly disappointed her.

"Hey, I'm sorry," Lapis repeated. "I know it meant a lot to you that..."

Peridot waved off her apology. "It means a lot that you gave it a try. Manga and anime and all that are an acquired taste. I mean, we're not gonna like  _all_  the same things...can we?"

Lapis smiled and nodded. "We'd be the most boring people on Earth if we did," she agreed.

"Heheh, yeah."

"I'm sure we'll find a lot of things to bicker over."

"Well, yeah. I mean, for a start, your eggs..."

"Jesus Christ, Peridot..."

"I'm just saying..."

"I'll never cook for you again if you keep bringing that the fuck up."

"That would indeed be disappointing. I mean, I liked your stir fry just fine."

"Well, too bad coz you'll never eat any of it again!"

"Goddammit Lazuli, you  _are_  cruel."

Lapis folded her arms.

"Well, there  **are**  other options."

"Like?"

"Takeout."

"Every night? That might get old."

"Okay. Pizza?"

"Pizza's not my thing."

"You...don't like pizza? Man, just when I think I've truly plumbed the depths of your weirdness..."

"Look, I'm trying really hard to keep my weight under control!" Peridot protested. "And I can't fucking control myself when I eat pizza. I shovel the whole fucking thing in my face. That's, like, a week's worth of fat and calories eaten in fifteen minutes. Not to mention the sodium..."

She stopped herself and blushed, before turning to see Lapis looking nonplussed.

"I mean, I guess there's another possibility," she said, walking closer.

"Oh?" Peridot didn't like the mischievous look on her eyes.

Lapis leaned in close to Peridot, smirking, then waited a long moment. Another one of those dramatic pauses. Then she hissed:

"How about...you make your own fucking eggs."

Then she blew a raspberry right in Peridot's face.

* * *

The twosome spent a little more time bickering over tea, then turned on TV for some CPH reruns on Netflix. It was their favorite episode arc from Season Three, where Paulette's mother developed amnesia after falling in the lake and Percy and Pierre teamed up to save her memories through the power of friendship. It was a weird season, exactly why Peridot enjoyed the show despite its wretchedness.

"Gets better every time," Peridot said as the credits rolled.

"If by better you mean worse..." Lapis said.

"You know what? If you're gonna talk that way, you're never gonna learn my surprise."

"Oh, right," Lapis said casually. "Thought you'd forgotten about it."

"I was waiting for the right moment," Peridot grumbled, reaching for her handbag. "But, now that we're done getting through the best arc in the best show ever..."

She fished around for a moment, then pulled out a magazine.

"Tada!"

Lapis squinted at the cover: "Eastern Entertainment..." It took her a moment to put two and two together.

"Holy shit!"

"Uh-huh!"

"That's the magazine..."

"Page 24!" Peridot said, her voice breaking with excitement.

"Gimme!" Lapis snatched the magazine away and flipped madly through it. Her heart thrilled when she saw the article:

**"The Perils of Paulette: Camp Pining Hearts' Most Problematic Character**

**"By Peridot Forster"**

"Man, you sold me on that one!" Lapis said, trying to interject her usual snark. But she was too excited for it to seem sincere.

"Well, don't just sit there gawking!" Peridot urged her, rocking back and forth, then grabbing her wrist.

"Okay, okay," Lapis said, fending her off.

She leafed through the article quickly, not reading it for detail. Knowing that Perry was staring at her, waiting to scrutinize her every comment.

"Wow," she said.

"Wow?" Peridot wasn't satisfied; her eyes practically bugged out of her skulls.

"Yeah," Lapis continued. "All those words and you completely missed the point of Paulette's character."

 **"WHAT!?"**  Peridot exploded and snatched the magazine away from her. "How can you say that!? I spent more time watching her awful focus episodes than most grad students spend researching their seminar papers..."

"Which is why it's so astonishing that you got her character so completely and utterly wrong," Lapis said.

"I find that highly unlikely," Peridot said, practically frothing with rage.

Lapis swallowed her amusement, glad to have touched a nerve but not wanting her friend to burst from anger.

"I mean, here's the thing," Lapis said, a little more seriously. "You posit Paulette as a failed character because, and I quote, "she has no place in the camp's hierarchy." I feel like I've heard that line from you before. But seriously? That's why you don't like her? That seems very classist."

"Not at all," Peridot protested.

"I mean, the  _real_  problem with Paulette is that she's a flat love interest with little or no agency, who thinks only about boning Percy and has only the vaguest motivations and dreams as a human being. I mean, the show doesn't even pass the Bechdel Test, for God's sake, and it was on the air for seven seasons! Surely they could have two women talking with each other about non-romantic, non-male things even by accident. That's an astonishing feat of latent misogyny, if you think about it.

"You, on the other hand, seem to think that her lack of status is the reason she's a failed character. That she's unworthy of Percy, what with his rich family and jock background and being the leading member of the camp. Which is not only wrong, it's remarkably shallow for someone as smart and articulate as you."

"One informs the other," Peridot countered fussily.

Lapis folded her arms, unconvinced. "Explain."

Peridot fidgeted with her glasses again, making Lapis snort with anticipation. After a small groan of annoyance, Peridot began, lecturing Lapis in her most condescending, professorial tone.

"The show creators, like all television auteurs of the '90s and early '00s, lived in the world of  _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_  and  _Charmed_  and other shows where young female characters with agency and brains and wit existed. Yet when designing Paulette, clearly they had no interest in making her an interesting or well-rounded character. So, as you say, they made her just a love interest with big boobs and big hair, and cast a  _terrible_  actress in the part, to boot.

" **But!**  It's a sign of contempt for her agency as a female character that they give her nothing to do. She's just the poor girl who gets into camp to find herself. Which is a respectable starting point. But they don't have her find herself by proving especially adept at anything in the camp. She's mediocre at best at rowing and archery and all the camp sports. She has little in the way of leadership skills or decisiveness. So she can't get a status, through merit or otherwise. She's stuck at the bottom, riding Percy's dick to a status within the camp she didn't earn.

"Which is, let's face it, an utterly horrible message to send to girls watching the show. That there's no purpose in developing your skills, be they intellectual or athletic or what have you. Just fuck the nearest dude with loaded parents and you're on your way. I mean, talk about misogynist! Talk about regressive."

She was breathless by the time she finished her explanation. She stared expectantly at Lapis, waiting for her to respond. Lapis just clapped slowly, then shrugged.

"You know...I did just skim the article," Lapis admitted. "So, you might be right..."

Peridot groaned and thwacked her on the head with the magazine.

* * *

"Well, it's about midnight."

"It is."

"The night went fast, huh?"

"It did."

"Peridot..." "...Lapis."

The two spoke over each other, then stared into the other's eyes. The mood was too serious to chuckle.

"Lapis...I've been dancing around this like some kinda clod for all these months. I feel like I'm not being honest with you when we get together, and it eats me up inside. But..."

"Peridot, I love you."

"Excuse me?"

"I love you. I mean...I know how you feel, and I think you feel the same way."

"...Yeah."

"You know the kind of person I am?"

"Yes."

"You know all the baggage that comes with me."

"Not any more baggage than I've got."

"You don't have an abusive ex lurking out there..."

"Fair enough, but I don't really have  **any**  exes lurking out there..."

"Perry, please. Let's be serious."

"Okay. I'm trying."

"We're both very damaged people, Peridot. I mean, you have your problems and I have mine. So let's not bicker over who has it worse, okay? We're both losers. We both have broken minds and shattered lives we're trying to piece back together. But I think if there's nothing else...if there's anything I've learned from these past few months seeing you, it's that...it's easier with someone to help you out. Someone who knows what you're going through."

"...I feel the same way. It's just...I never saw anything good about myself. I mean sure, I'm smart, and I have every Marvel hero's superpowers and origin stories filed away like baseball cards. And I can still sing every iteration of the Pokerap. And I do a mean Satisfied, as you've witnessed...But...I mean, I thought that I was just weird. And that no one would like me. That no one would want me to be...That nobody..."

"Yeah. I know that feeling."

"Anyway...It's hard for me to process, okay. It matters so much, and I want you so bad...I just don't want you to think you're making a mistake."

"If I did, you wouldn't be here."

The two clasped both hands together and stared at each other for a long, longing moment.

"Well...it's time for bed," Lapis said.

Peridot nodded.

"Come on."

She started pulling Peridot by the arm towards her bedroom. Peridot resisted a little bit, mostly from surprise.

"Umm...no cot?" Peridot managed to choke out.

"No cot."

"Thank Christ. That thing was hurting my back..."

"Well...maybe we can arrange for something else to hurt instead..."

"...Jesus. This is a dream, isn't it? And I'm gonna wake up any second."

"Well, I  _hope_  you're still awake..."

"Seriously?  _That_ 's your pillow talk? You are the fucking worst at talking dirty, Lazuli."

"Don't worry, I plan to have plenty of practice."

"That's better."

They disappeared, closing the bedroom door behind them.

* * *

The wind blew through the open window, lightly ruffling the curtains. Light, gentle, cleansing rain pattered against the screen and the street and the side of the building. There were the faint sounds of distant voices and car horns, barely audible against the steady pattering of a late spring shower. 

Lapis laid on her back, leaving her breasts exposed to the cool night air. She rested her hands against the back of her heads, staring thoughtfully at the ceiling.

Peridot slept next to her, wrapped in a blanket, her head pressed against Lapis's belly. She was snoring quietly; Lapis felt her gentle, ragged breaths against her body. A reminder of what they'd just done too each other.  

It made her think of how far she'd come, just in the past few months. How she'd gone from having nothing to having a secure job, and friends, and reasons to be alive. 

How she had Peridot. 

She gently kissed Peridot on the forehead, tracing her fingers over Peridot's back and side. Feeling her smooth skin and enjoying the smell of her body, still crisp with afterglow. 

Nothing seemed to matter, just now. For the first time in awhile, everything seemed like it would be alright.

Everything she needed to be happy was right here. In her arms.  

In the background, Lapis's wall clock ticked like a metronome. Along with the soft patter of the rain and her coital expenditures, it lulled her body and mind into a soft, peaceful trance. 

Before she fell asleep, Lapis muttered one word out loud: 

"Perfect."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, we're finally done. I'm amazed and flattered by the response this story received. Also, that what started out as a short way for me to keep my creative gears turning while I did story revisions on The Family Jewels into something I'm really proud of.
> 
> It helps that this story allows me to reflect on my own experiences more than, maybe, any other fic I've written. I've been both Lapis *and* Peridot in this story. Some of their experiences are uncomfortably similar to things I've experienced in real life (that said, my literary tastes are much closer to Lapis than Peridot). Though I've never been lucky enough to find my Lapis...maybe someday. 
> 
> Also, thank you so much to everyone who read, reviewed and left kudos during the course of this story. Especially DreamlandB, who's been constantly supportive since I started this fic. This story wouldn't have been written without you folks, and I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
> 
> As a postscript, here's a list of books (fiction or non) and graphic novels name checked in this story. (Granted, not all of these are masterpieces or even necessarily recommended...)
> 
> Azumanga Daioh - Kiyohiko Azuma  
> Jaws - Peter Benchley  
> Mao II - Don DeLillo  
> Running Dog - Don DeLillo  
> Richard Nixon: The Life - John A. Farrell  
> My Brilliant Friend - Elena Ferrante  
> The Story of a New Name - Elena Ferrante  
> Gone Girl - Gillian Flynn  
> The Go-Between - L.P. Hartley  
> The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl - Erica Henderson and Rico Renzi  
> Daisy Miller - Henry James  
> The Trial - Franz Kafka  
> Watergate: A Novel - Thomas Mallon  
> Big Little Lies - Liane Moriarty  
> American Pastoral - Philip Roth  
> The Human Stain - Philip Roth  
> Indignation - Philip Roth  
> Fangirl - Rainbow Rowell  
> Revolutionary Girl Utena - Chiho Saito  
> Persepolis - Marjane Satrapi  
> The Joy Luck Club - Amy Tan  
> The Color Purple - Alice Walker  
> All the President's Men - Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein


End file.
